Why does my son hate me? Wants to live w aunt!

[greenmart123]

I’m a single mom, my son and I were always best friends, he was always so thoughtful and sweet! Then he turned 14, and started becoming sullen and angry. He started refusing to do schoolwork and lying a lot, he started asking if he could live with my sister. After a big fight when I found out he’d been doing bad things and he knew he was in big trouble, he asked if he could go to my sisters for a few days, I agreed. Long story short (there is SO MUCH to it) he ended up being there for 6 weeks before I demanded him back. My family thought he was better off there, they would not work with me. He has never been abused in any way, he had very few chores, I was always a huge pushover and gave him way too much privacy and trust and independence, he’s never been hit or grounded (i have taken his phone away a few times, but bought him a Tracfone to use when he’s grounded from it) so there was no reason for him to be kept away from me except that 1. He knew he was in trouble and things would change and 2. My family (dad bro and sis) are all wealthy with huge houses and I’m poor, on disability, but we have what we need. They are all the snobby type, all organic food, no sugar, don’t believe in medicine, kids are all spoiled rotten. So anyway, he’s home. Extremely sullen, depressed, said he was suicidal, took him to the ER and they didn’t think he was a danger to himself but to watch him. Found out my sister was not making him take his meds which could be a big part of it, and they are adding Wellbutrin. What happened to my sweet little boy? Why does he hate me I fight so hard for him! If you have gone through something similar did you ever get your happy kid back?

 

[annache]

@greenmart123 I would tell them that you son needs to come home NOW. Whether they like it or not he is your child to parent as you see fit. You don't abuse him, he is just unhappy that he has rules he has to follow. He.
I would suggest limiting their involvement with him going further as their undermining your parenting will cause further problems for you with your son. Also, get into individual counseling for each of you and then, after a while, start family counseling together.

Add much as your son fights it, he needs to know you love, support and want him. That you won't just let him go (even if he says he wants you to)

Our job isn't too always give them what they want, but to teach them how to be good functioning humans that respect the world around them and have a good heart. It's not always easy.

I am dealing with my own little hellion as well so I understand. She is constantly saying "well just get rid of me then if you don't like the way I'm acting, or tell me how much she hates me or go out of her way to say cruel things to hurt me when she's angry. But later she always comes back and apologises and tries to crawl in my lap, like she did when she was a baby, because she's sad for some reason she can't figure out.

It's not easy being a teen in this day and age. Mix hormones and new experiences, raging mood swings, that need to push back and become your own person, with all the covid isolation and a messy brain that doesn't know up from down sometimes..(because they are teens) and you get our children. I don't envy the way and times in which they are growing up.

It will get better. If you ever need to chat, laugh, scream or commiserate.. message me. We could even video message with a glass of wine (or tea, coffee or water).

We all need a support system.

Good luck.

 

[greenmart123]

@annache I did finally make him come home Sunday. I tried being compliant and believed them when they made me feel like a terrible mom but instead 2 months were wasted with no work on the problems at hand, our relationship got worse, and they were not making sure he took his medication regularly so of course he wasn’t.
He’s been seeing the same counselor since he was 9, I started seeing his wife with the goal of family counseling all together, but she had no info about my sons case and he has yet to tell me why he hates me and home, so we had nothing to work on, and my son ‘refused’ family counseling and his counselor suggested I ‘step back and let him heal’ which I did until I realized he had nothing to heal from... and he’s been dragging it on for almost as long as our fighting which started when school started! Thank you so much for your support! I have seen teenage girls, my sister has three, it’s loud and crazy, but they let you know exactly what their problem is. My son gets sullen and shuts down and for this past 2 months everyone has thought there was some big secret, something bad had happened, I thought maybe someone had hurt him and he was scared, come to find out he’s just mad because he had rules and chores. He told my nieces he felt like a slave (he was required to do litterboxes and laundry, that’s it) and that he had nightmares of me yelling at him to do his homework (they had no sympathy!) It’s hard to see him obviously miserable to be here, it’s just us in a small house so it’s very awkward, but I’m happy my baby is home. It was a miserable holiday season and I’ll forever remember this Christmas as the day he started calling me by my first name. Anyway sorry to ramble and thank you for the kind words and encouragement! I’d love to be friends if I can figure it out on here!

 

[davidml]

@greenmart123 Your 14 yr old hates you- you must be doing something right. He doesn't want to live with you because you have boundaries and expectations. Keep fighting for him. I've been there before and didn't understand it at the time, but structure and expectations were the best thing to happen to me. He'll be a grown man before you know it and some day will appreciate the parenting you gave him. Good Luck!!

 

[greenmart123]

@davidml Thank you so much!

 

[coplin48]

@davidml This! My 15 yo old also hates me at times and it hurts!! But it’s all par of the course IMO. I am doing something right lol. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. Explain that while in your sis house he may have had more materialistic things - but they could t even remember to give him his meds on time. Show him that they are NOT perfect and that you miss having him in your home. Address his troubles and assure him you will get through this together. That you are there for him. Because NO one loves him as much as you do. He comes across like a big boy but they are still kids. God luck, tell it from the heart!!

 

[greenmart123]

@coplin48 Thank you!

 

[katrina2017]

@greenmart123 You forgot a BIG part of this and you know what it is