When is time to sever rights?

A

apostoliclife

New member
Tldr; I'm a 4 yr clean former addict with full custody of my 3 yr old. Sons mom is an addict. Tried for years to be patient understanding. This was try number 4 for her to be a somewhat decent somewhat present parent. Doing good then went to shit. Stupid me believed every word and thought we were successfully building a family. Found out today she's been cheating on me. Using. Taking advantage of me. She doesn't care one bit. Every time this happens it more damaging to my son than the last.

Background I'm a single Dad (34, 3yr old boy) I gained physical custody after she tested positive for drugs when he was born. Legal custody @ 1. I'm a 4 year clean recovering addict. My sons mom/girlfriend is a drug addict. She has been in a sober living/halfway house and doing really good for the last 9 months and this was like try number 3 or 4 at rebuilding a relationship w our son, and being reliable and present and clean.. Then things started to seem weird. Not answering, not calling for video visits, saying she'll call me right back then nothing for 14 hrs. Today she comes over to visit with the baby and he is watching artoons and hands me the phone cuz he accidentally switched screens right to a text convo of her with some guy saying I love you and baby and don't hurt me sweetie. I flipped. I asked her what the hell this was when we were working to be a family (that's all I fucking want is a family). There's no bones about "well we're u together" um yes. Talking about our future and more kids everything. She looked me dead in the eye saying nothing. I begged for an answer only for her to say "idk what u want me to say. Hes a friend" This discovery led to a similar natured text convo with another guy ("Happy Father's day baby I love you" "I'm here baby come outside") And then lead to me finding out she hasn't been living in a sober living for a month (kicked out for having drugs/relapsing), she hasn't been working and there was never a "huge garnishment" that she was suffering preventing her from paying child support. She sat there this morning g and said "I did nothing wrong I call lots of people baby" no she doesn't, never has, Instead of staying to clear it up she said "I can't do this and walked out and down the street" I have never taken any revenge on her Everyone is on my case for being codependent and too easy on her dear on her but she's the mother of my child and there was always always hope that if I could get sober and get off meth/heroin and get an awesome job then she can too but it all cam crashing down today. Her absence keeps my son up at night because he cries for mommy because he loves video chatting with her and pushing the red button at the end to hang up he loves giving her kisses on the screen and all I ever asked for was honesty maybe I'm just venting but keeping her around has only hurt him he is having behavioral problems now. She hasn't paid a diamond child supportI don't even ask for the hundreds I have loaned her for rent at the sober living she wasn't even living at.
Is there ever a right time to sever rights?
My son deserves a good mom who will be there and be reliable and I deserve an honest partner who will build a family with me until something beautiful. And I also found out today she is about to go serve a couple years present sentence so she won't even be around
 
@apostoliclife I can't tell you for sure what to do as it's a really tough situation, but I can tell you my very similar circumstances and how it is affecting my daughter right now.

I (M40) got custody of my daughter when she was 3 years old because her mum was off the rails. Always on drugs, violent boyfriend, leaving my daughter alone in the house in the middle of the night to go and score drugs etc.

Once I had custody I arranged suitable times for my daughter and her mum to see each other at weekends, and initially it had to be supervised because there was no telling what state she would turn up in. However, she missed most of her arranged meetings and needless to say this did so much emotional damage to my then 3 year old daughter.

As the years went on, her mum moved away and she started to become more stable when my daughter was around 6 years old, so I started off by driving her up to her mum's and gradually letting her have longer sleepovers the more I could start trusting her again. Everything seemed to go well for a couple of years. However, as my daughter got older she became more aware of what was actually going on at her mum's. She was coming home upset, telling me that her mum was always using her to look after her other kids so she could sleep all day (having been up all night off her face!) Getting her to cook breakfast for everyone and treating her like a nanny and never spending quality time with her daughter who she didn't see very often. She would come home telling me that her mum was always going out in the middle of the night and staying out for hours leaving her alone with her 2 baby sister's (yes, she was allowed to have more kids!) I always knew that she would make up her own mind at this stage whether she wanted to carry on seeing her mum, but even though she was still letting her down, my daughter still held on hope that one day her mum would change.

Fast forward to today, my daughter is now 14 and having counselling because of her mum. Over the years she has let her down, won't answer her calls, leaves her texts on read and posts online about how great her current family is (excluding my daughter) but we know she is doing all this because she has gone off the rails again, yet trying to show everyone she is still in control. My daughter has written letters to her to try and explain her feelings, but she gets no reply. All my daughter wanted was for her mum to just ring her once a week, ask how school has been etc, general chat, but she couldn't even manage that. She is a real piece of shit and I wish I had cut contact when my daughter was 3 so she wouldn't have to go through all this trauma with her now.

The one thing that was always on my mind was that I would be the bad guy when my daughter got old enough and wanted to go and look for her mum, it would be my fault that she hadn't seen her mum all these years and I worried that my daughter would grow to resent me for it, so for me, I felt I had to let my daughter have the contact she wanted, knowing that in the end she would see for herself what her mum is. It's just really sad that it has has done so much emotional damage to her and it has left me feeling that maybe I should have just cut that contact all those years ago.

It's a really hard situation my friend, but as the responsible parent you know deep down what will be for the best for your child. Good luck.
 
@apostoliclife Ultimately, the cheating is irrelevant as to whether or not she should be present in your son's life. That's an issue between you as adults and not a reason to sever rights.

Supervised contact in a contact centre (ie not supervised by you) may be the way to go for now. A very formalised arrangement with other parties involved is probably the best for your son at the moment.
 
@apostoliclife I guess I'm confused if she's with you or not. If she's not, it's not really cheating. And as hard as it may be to hear, the kid doesn't care, she's still mom. I'm not saying she's a good mom or a devoted mom, but she IS his mom. That's the reality of the situation.

I don't even know that legally "severing rights" is a thing you could do just for... wanting to do it. The state's not in the interest of orphaning kids for no reason. If you had a partner that was wanting to adopt, maybe. But right now you have full custody, what would be the point?

This feels retaliatory and really petty. Regardless of her bad choices, she's still your kid's mom, whether she's in jail, in rehab, using drugs, with someone else. Their relationship has nothing to do with you, and it has nothing to do with what you "deserve."
 
@humbleservant46 Yes we were together until this. No this is not in response to the cheating. Sure the cheating hurt but my reason for wanting to sever rights, as I mentioned if u read, is to stop the damage that is and will continue to occur. Her constant in n out fashion is not good for him. The cheating just brought everything else to light which is the real problem. I've made it clear to her we don't even need to be together we can just co parent but she begged me to stay with her and give her another chance. My considering severance of rights has only to do not letting this cycle continue. Since she has started to do better I was giving her more unsupervised time with him. She said she was taking him to her sober living but later I found out she had already been kicked out. I have no clue where she took my son. This type of serial lying is dangerous. I can't not know where my kid is. She keeps a violent ex around (who is one of the guys she's fucking) who has threatened to kidnap my son with her. Maybe I can't be mad at you cuz u only know what you read and sure I can see how it looks petty but there are so many layers to this.. What my son and I deserve is honesty whether she is my partner or not. My son doesn't deserve a video call one night. Then 2 weeks of nothing. Asking for her, crying for her. I don't have proof that she had him with her when she used drugs but I'm pretty sure that's happened. This is the type of shit I'm thinking of when I say severing. Not because she cheated. Yeah i want a family but i really want her in his life even more. . But since she's going to prison soon I'm just gonna chill on chasing the severance idea And see how she is when she gets out. But she will have to prove herself and then some. This ain't the first time as you have read.
 
@apostoliclife It sounds like the main issue is her cheating. You need to take some accountability and seek some treatment for your codependency. You are part of the reason your son has such instability in his life. It is unlikely you will be able to terminate her rights under these circumstances. I mean you just had her living with you and your son, you’ll look petty and bit of you try it now.
 
@abbysweet I never said she was living with us. No the issue is drugs, abandonment, violence, drug using company she keeps around. Read the other replies for an elaboration. It's all of the other stuff.
 
@apostoliclife As a former addict I’m sure you know that being sober doesn’t always stick. That’s why it’s best for your own well being that you do not live with or have a relationship with another addict. Especially one who’s active in their addiction and hasn’t shown a long track record of staying sober. I’m sorry this dream is dying for you. You have to grieve for your dream. It sounds like that’s what is happening right now. It’s normal to be angry.

The best advice I can give you is to just try to have the best life you can. You only get one. Don’t let someone else destroy it.
 
@heavensvoice Thank you so much. I want to get involved in shit to find a healthy partner after I spend a little time with just my son. And yes it took me 4 tries and 3 visits to jail and one to rehab to get clean. This is what has me holding out hope til it gets worse
 
@apostoliclife A judge will grant custody to the parent most likely to let the other parent see the child. I just went through this, take my advice. Play the role of the nice guy and let her get herself drug tested.
 
@apostoliclife As the child of an alcoholic...just BE the parent that your child needs, one good parent is worth their weight in gold!!!! IT is your exes responsability to want and maintain a healthy relationship with her child. If she's not commited to her sobriety it is not going to happen until she is and she will just take your daughter on a rollercoaster for years.
 
@apostoliclife So I have experience with this! I terminated my son’s father’s parental rights. Based on my knowledge (and state), your request won’t be granted. I got mine on the basis of child abandonment (dude never seen my son after the day he was born) and history of domestic violence. Dude being in prison for attempted murder also helped.

To terminate rights, it’s got to be something serious and based on what you wrote, she’s an okay mom. Now, if you have proof that she’s using again you might have a case. If you feel that’s the case, I would honestly talk to an attorney.
 
@abbysweet And then there's the violent drug using crowd she keeps around her. She has her own anger issues which I've mentioned. A lot of the times she has had him alone she calls me within hours asking when ill be there cuz she's losing it. There's so many layers to this. It's not "oh u cheated ok say goodbye to your son". On mother's day I let her have him all day thinking she was taking him back to the sober living house she claimed to be living at. On my way to pick him up she said they were going to stop by a friend's house so they could See their new dog. I told her I did not feel comfortable with that, that was Not the deal that day was supposed to be for just the 2 of them and she said "well we're already here. Here's the address" when I got there it I was repulsed by the place. It was a dump, needles and needle caps on the ground, broken windows. I told her I wasn't happy look at this pplace. She came back with some response about how I'm being elitist or discriminatory on low income ppl blah blah blah. This is how her brain works. Later I came to find it was a friend she smokes meth with. Sooo...wtf you think happened in that slum of an apartment? But yeah I should probably go easy on her huh
 
@sweetbabyjames That's what I'm saying she is making her decision. Flaked on two visits since that post once again had my son wondering where she was. Most of the time when I ask if he wants to talk to Mommy he says no I tell him nicely "that's not nice let's say night night to mommy n I call her". So yeah I kind of agree with you from now on I think I will grant his wish and politely let her know he chooses not to talk to her. Good call actually. Can't force him right? And trust, I DO NOT WANT to take him away from his mommy but I will remove my son from a danger no matter who it is. You would probably actually be pretty surprised how much I text her to remind her about video visits so many people tell me that I'm too easy on her she needs to remember the time she needs to remember to call it's not my responsibility to stay on top of her to make sure she is attending her visit or talking to her son Or paying the child support that helps me put a roof over his head and foot on the table but I do it because it kills me to watch her gladly not be a part of his life and then cry about it when it's way too late.
 
@apostoliclife You need to sever her, your child is three, he won't remember this if you get her away until she is clean. You are making the mistake by allowing her in your life and trying to have a relationship with a person who clearly doesn't want it and can't be honest with you. Then, you need to keep her out of a relationship with you when she does come around again.
 
@katrina2017 Can't really say either answer is good to hear but this tells me I'm not being too extreme. It's all pretty hard to accept as I'm just finding out she got 2 other dudes. But I know what I need to do. I don't want my son remembering that she was here once and chose these other men and drugs over us. Thank you
 
@apostoliclife According to CPS and wherever they get their research it is best for your child’s well-being not to sever ties. That being said you need to make sure your child has opportunities to know who their mom is in a safe way in which they are being supported. You also need to help them develop realistic expectations.

Lots of people have shitty parents. Your child has the benefit of having you, and a safe supportive household.

My nieces and nephews were apprehended and put with a family member. That person won’t let them see their parents. At all. Their dad died of an OD after they hadn’t seen him in over a year. Right now they’re too young to understand but at some point they’ll realize they could have seen him before he died.

Her mom might turn things around one day, either temporarily or permanently. She’ll likely be able to get unsupervised visits at that point. It’s better your child knows the person they’re going to be forced to spend time with potentially.

A lot of us have exes who are addicts. It sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
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