@cbmiller “You can either support me, your partner, the person who grew and will birth your child or you can stay home. MY medical team will be aware nobody is welcome, if you continue to emotionally blackmail or try to force me to do what I’m comfortable with you’ll be added to the list. I am the patient. I am the one being cut open, bleeding and in pain MY decision is final.”
If he needs his mother’s support he can stay home and hold her hand. You need people at the hospital that are there to support and advocate for YOU.
He sounds like a nightmare. Check out the JustSO and JustnoMIL subs for advice.
@cbmiller First of all, you’re pregnant… not him. So yes, you get more say.
I had to have this boundary conversation with my husband.
I pointed out that this is a medical procedure not a social event. The only reason we will be at the hospital is for a medical procedure. I am the patient. After birth, you’re trying to establish bonding, you’re in a diaper and your boobs are out trying to begin breastfeeding (ymmv, this applies to us).
My husband and I went through an empowered birthing class together which I think seeing labor videos and how invasive it is helped change his pov.
@cbmiller I had a similar conversation with my spouse and said it's my decision, he was shocked to hear that I had these boundaries, and said something like "the fact that you think this is solely your decision..." I cut him off and reminded him that I control who is in that room and if need be, I will kick him out, too. Ended the conversation then and there. So stand your ground!
I'm a bit more confrontational than most and will die on hills regarding my personal boundaries without bending, so take it for what it's worth, but this situation is 100% your call. Just keep your nurses in l&d in the loop and you'll be good.
It’s wild to be any MIL would be waiting for the baby to be born to pry it from your arms.
I don’t think people realize after a c section, you go to the pacu to recover and are doing skin to skin. Wait until you get transferred to post partum at the very least. Slip your nurse a note and tell her the situation and she can be the bad guy and tell your husband his mommy can’t come yet.
Stick to your guns. Dont get her ruin the birthday party
@cbmiller Not unreasonable at all. The reality of a C-section is that immediately following you will be stuck in bed connected to an IV and a catheter. Likely with little leg cuffs on that pump your blood around. It's not a normal postpartum situation. If you decide to have her visit at all, it's gotta be after you're allowed to walk yourself to the bathroom. He needs to look into the reality of this kind of birth and understand that you'll be extra vulnerable. Not less.
If you don't want her there at all, that's fine and a totally normal desire. But at a minimum, no visitors for 24 hours imo.
@cbmiller I would honestly tell my partner if he wishes to prioritise his mother’s needs I won’t be having him as a birth partner or anywhere near me in the hospital.
@cbmiller You’re the one having major surgery AND adjusting to caring for a newborn. It is all about you. His family can deal. For what it’s worth, most hospitals (at least in my experience) have a two hour recovery window where there’s only one person allowed with you in the recovery room before you get to the room you’ll be staying in. So hopefully you’ll at least have that. But he needs to be respectful that you’re likely not going to be in a place to see people after what you’ve been through. Let them wait for a call when you’re ready to see people. I don’t know what everyone’s obsession is with needing to be there the minute the baby comes out.
@cbmiller He has no say in this whatsoever! My partner had a similar sentiment until I told him I could say HE isn't even welcome if I wanted, and if he wanted to be present for the birth he better fall in line. (So far at least) that has shut him up.
@cbmiller My sil recently had a c-section and she wanted everyone to visit right after. She was so out of it and tired and nurses were coming in and out the whole time to check on her and baby. I don't think she totally regretted it since we brought her sushi to eat right away lol but she was definitely much more ready for visitors the next day after some rest and bonding with baby. I personally didn't want any visitors right away!
I'm sure your partner is just excited and proud to show off baby but he needs to be reminded that you are going to be a patient coming out of surgery and it's nothing against your mil but you need to be focusing on your own recovery right away like walking on your own and using the restroom.
@cbmiller My husband and his mom had a very similar dynamic and it was a huge problem in our relationship. I would really consider going to couples therapy, even a few sessions, if this is his reaction after you outlined (extremely reasonable!) boundaries during a really vulnerable time for you. It sounds like he could use some support with empathy and communication, and it might be more effective if that support comes from a professional. (I think it's great for any couple to do some sessions before a baby comes so they can figure out how to navigate such a monumental change!)
In my situation, my husband and his mother-in-law now have a terrible relationship because of our wedding. We basically gave into all of his mom's (and sisters') demands and it still wasn't good enough for them, and then things blew up. I really wish we'd been through therapy first to have better tools to communicate and compromise rather than let tension build until it exploded. The whole thing destroyed his relationship with his family and almost ended our marriage before it even really started. I don't think that's usually the outcome - my point is just that couples therapy would have helped us communicate with each other and his family in a healthier way.
@cbmiller Maybe you need to make it very easy for him to understand? You'll be groggy, in pain, with a fresh wound on your abdomen, you'll be bleeding, you'll have a catheter (for some amount of time). If he has all that going on and wants your father there to greet him, maybe he can picture what it might be like for your MIL to be around.
You mention having a house and a flat- are you guys living together full time? How long have you been partners?
@cjbravo I appreciate his family are excited, but it’s totally out of order in my opinion. I’ve really been struggling with her lately. The whole baby shower thing, where she then still tried to organise a family thing texting my sister, texts of you need any chores doing, partner says you are unwell, can I do anything. I just want space.
We’ve been together 3 years but we did break up. Our pregnancy wasn’t planned, so whilst we are living together, a lot of my stuff is still in my flat as we just haven’t got round to sorting it out rental wise. I only came during for the day, but given the time (in the UK) and he’s not had any decency to text me, I guess I’ll be staying here the night.
I had visitors over about 14h after birth via c section, and I was wearing a shirt and adult diaper. Nothing else. I gave no shits because my dad has always been my biggest supporter and my MIL had gone through it before.
But if I hadn't trusted them completey, hadn't been sure they would really be helpful, then I probably wouldn't have done it either.
I had visitors over about 14h after birth via c section, and I was wearing a shirt and adult diaper. Nothing else. I gave no shits because my dad has always been my biggest supporter and my MIL had gone through it before.
But if I hadn't trusted them completey, hadn't been sure they would really be helpful, then I probably wouldn't have done it either.
@cbmiller The nurses are going to listen to you over him, I know it hurts not having a supportive partner and easier to just with the flow and let him have his way, but fudge that. It’s not easier in the long run.
Tell the nurses your plan, that you only want him (or maybe not even him) there after the c-section and reclaim your control over YOUR C-section.
After my c-section, I was honestly a little out of it. Between the painkillers and the mindfuck of having a BABY, I needed time to regroup. There’s also the pragmatic stuff like nurses needing to take out my catheter, push on my stomach to check my uterus, seeing how I’m bleeding, asking if I could fart, etc. I didn’t need an audience for that.
@cbmiller I’m sorry. I honestly ruined my relationship with my sister because she called me selfish for not wanting visitors immediately after my c section. I’d hate if that was my partner acting that way
@cbmiller Depends who it is. After my second c section, I was so out of it. In a daze, throwing up, basically naked. Lol but our moms were there. The only people I was truly comfortable with there and maybe my sister and niece. But anyone else would’ve had to wait. Lol post c section is rough.
