Ugh!

[xsmbthu3hoa]

I have custody, bio dad has visitations that I have been very lenient on for multiple reasons. But some of the things he complains about are the fact that I don’t alert him everytime our 6 year old goes to a grandparents, or friends house. Which is legit not very often. There are times when mimi has to pick her up from school due to doctors appts or work but do any others communicate every detail?

I’m curious because she has spent less than 20 nights With him since January. Has gone greater than 2 months with out visits on more than 1 occasion this year. And gets mad when I call to talk to her when she’s with them.

He bought her a cell phone. Stayed so we wouldn’t have to go through each other when we want to talk to her. She left Friday and won’t be back until Saturday Christmas Day. This is the Longest I’ve ever been away from her and he immediately took her phone and said she wasn’t alllowd to have it while there so if I wanted to talk to her I needed to call them. Fine but now they don’t answer or wait hours to respond and no matter the legit reasons have been for times I didn’t answer he calls back to back until he gets an answer. Even if I text him saying I’m on the phone and will f/u when done. It’s not good enough.

The last time she was there for the weekend was around November 14th. She used her phone and called me I was asleep then called my s/0 who’s been here since she was 8 months old. She got spooked and tried to wake them up at least twice and was told Togo back to bed. She was still scared and called my s/o back and he stayed on the phone with her until she fell back asleep on FT 1.5 hours.

There’s been a lot of changes around their house a bee baby and then going months wihour seeing her.

I know he’s doing this to try and control the situation and it’s vendictive in nature but I need advice am I not doing enough? Is it reasonable for him to expect me to contact him everytime she’s in care of a family member while in our care?!?

 

[alan]

@xsmbthu3hoa You follow the court order like the Bible. Don’t ever give in until you have a good relationship with the other parent and you know that the changes are only to benefit your daughter. Even then, I would be careful with letting him change up days. Document every time he misses time or doesn’t show up. That’ll be useful in the future especially if you feel he’s only using visitation for control. As for the communication aspect, I had a hard time with my child’s dad understanding that I miss him when he’s gone. So I had it put in the order that the parent not present was allowed at least one contact per day. I usually don’t call on normal weekends, but if it’s a long holiday I’ll call 1-2 times to check in. Also to prevent the “sorry I missed your call” act, I’ll text first thing in the morning and say “when can I call and talk to…” He normally doesn’t ever call, but putting it in the order gave me peace.

 

[joanj23]

@alan Beep. Boop. I'm a robot.
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[mainten84]

@xsmbthu3hoa Can I ask why the Dad, who seems to want to be part of your daughter’s life, doesn’t see her more? Does he have a history of drug misuse for example?

As a father I can see why he’d get irritated if he’s has very little time with his daughter and you are on the phone to her for any more than 5 minutes during that time. The best thing to do would be to have a chat about it over text or email...

 

[xsmbthu3hoa]

@mainten84 I have no idea what’s going on honestly. Him and wife got married in 2019. Seems to have gone downhill since then.

We all had a great communicative relationship prior. Bonus mom would get her some weekends when dad worked etc. started around summer last year where they just weren’t asking. January they got her told her she was going to be a big sister then went just under 3.5 months before even asking to get her.

They live an hour away- he moved not me. But during that time, they had made a total of 5 trips to our town, my s/o owns a diesel shop and was working on his truck. Never mentioned getting her.

Didn’t get her until I asked what was going on. I always get excuses it’s turned to someone else’s problem

Things I’ve heard and corrected:
She said she didn’t want to go.
Me: she’s 6. Kids live in the now and what they see… shes said before not wanting to go and come Friday I would pick her up and she’s all of a sudden “when we leaving” thinking she’s going.. I call him and am told it’s too late now

They got her 2x kinda regular then went along time again.

This time when I brought it up. He mentioned something about how she was confused about who’s her dad and step dad and he didn’t like that. My thought is so going months without seeing her is going to help that?!

Mind u the first part of the year he was home every weekend. Previous years seemed to work OOT every other weekend for the most part.

This last time it went from aug to nov without her visiting. They came to BDAY party but no visits. No reach out to either me or bonus dad to get her nothing. When I asked it was back to the she’s always saying she has plans and don’t want to come. I asked when she was asked because I haven’t heard anything from her mentioning wanting to go or him. I heard him ask her on the phone “why don’t you come over anymore” and her reply was IDK and that was it no follow up of do u want to nothing

Again another talk to them.. and also I brought up plans should be made between the adults not with the kid concerning this. Not saying she doesn’t have say.. but she was starting to have some issues and I really felt like she was getting overwhelmed and feeling like she was to blame for not going or she hurt feelings or something.. something was going on but idk what. They got her mid November when the incident happened with her calling us in the middle of the night.. then another month went by and he wanted her for the week which was hard to say yes cause I’ve legit not been away from her her whole like that long before but anyways I said yes. Father was only home Friday sat and half day then back to work OOT so she’s staying with bonus mom and sister which is fine.

Before she left she asked us if she got scared could she call us again and we said of course.

She hurt herself the night before she left in gym class a sprain or strain nothing serious but she went to school kinda guarding it. In a good mood it was Friday half day fun Christmas activities so excited and wanted to go but said she felt like her arm need to be checked out and shes extremely tough so that was on my mind that she said that I kept in touch with her teacher who said she was still guarding it. Mentioned to dad about getting her checked and I called her that evening to check on how she felt. That’s when I got a text back after calling her phone from him saying she’s not allowed on her phone this week. I asked if she got in trouble he said no it’s just how it’s going to be at his house. Prior to gojng there he had reached out to my oldest one day out the blue asking where she was… my oldest never reached out to me or bonus dad. I asked him what was up with that and never got an answer that made any sense out of it..

He’s just very defensive about anything even situations like I called and just told him we had a talk about guns and safety with her cause she wanted a toy gun and I bought her one and for whatever reason he said yea I don’t have any guns at the house which is a lie idk why he would even say that best I can describe it is he wasn’t listening to what I was saying got in defense mode and wanted to put blame for god knows what on our house. He’s constantly hypocritically doing that. I just explained to him again that I’m not calling to place blame just thought it was important info to share and he may want to too because we showed her the real guns( locked up she don’t know where) to show difference just in case etc.. he again said yes I got rid of all mine. And I just said okay. Not even a week later we were talking about something and he said he sleeps with his pistol at bedside and I said see dude u always do this shit.. u just said last week u had none because u weren’t listening and thought I was calling u out on something and went into defense mode. Made it like a joke cause I have to watch what o say or it turns bad quick. More than likely he does sleep with it bedside especially on the road idk about at home.

 

[xsmbthu3hoa]

@mainten84 And yes there is past history of drugs and he was drinking heavily for awhile quit when she got pregnant for a little while and pretty sure he’s back drinking again.

 

[mainten84]

@xsmbthu3hoa First up -Merry Christmas!

Second - I’m sorry your situation is like this. It sounds like you have made every effort and are at the end of your teather..I’m not really sure what to say. Other than kids need routine. And clarity. And certainly.

This sounds like anything but.

Is there some way that you can all get together round a table and work something like a real plan out? Considering new siblings and everything? Maybe with a neutral 3rd party you all trust?

Again, I have no good advice here. It sounds like a mess.....just keep your chin up and keep trying to do the right thing! You probably got this!!

 

[xsmbthu3hoa]

@mainten84 It’s going to have to come down to that. I did this with just him back in the day. He just seems to be less receptive to it now. I the plan was for her to come back Saturday by 12 and I just felt like if I said anything about it it would change because the way he was acting/treating me. So I told my s/o to get up with him and make sure arrangements are in stone. He did and he was nice and stuck to the plan. Saturday I told him to let us know when they left, as I always do they live an hour away his response was I spoke to “s/0” yesterday and we decided on your moms - lmao no sir… I knew I wouldn’t dare talk to give him the disrespect you do me so that’s why I had him do it cause I’m legit tired of it. I didn’t tell him that of course. But I know him like the back of my hand. He goes through periods he’s great but he still has a lot of emotional shit he needs to figure out and stop taking it out on everyone else merry Christmas to you too!!