Ugh the ongoing debate

[vl32]

Overall I’m so happy with my one son. I really do love the dynamic of our family and love having so much one on one time with my son.
I have have struggled quite a bit with anxiety, depression and ocd once my son start weaning. It was on and off really rough for 7 months. When my son dropped sessions abruptly I would get worsened symptoms , tons of panic attacks , intrusive thoughts , bad anxiety etc. it was really awful. I also have PMDD and it seems worse after I have my son.

There’s just some sadness I have that is so deep in my body. I’m so terrified to have another baby because of my mental mental health. I tried ssris and could not tolerate them which crushed me. I know the mental health issues do not last forger because it is all hormonal and now being done with nursing I feel much better , but also knowing it’s hormonal, I’m sure it would happened again. I wish so badly I wasn’t so afraid to have another baby.. when I see my son playing with other kids , I’m always thinking about another baby, but then I go back to how much I struggled and I just don’t know if I could do it again. Anyone experience anything similar ?

 

[stuart1717]

@vl32 I had two solid years of severe PPD after my first (who was a challenging kid and a terrible sleeper). I had hoped for better results after my second - but had exactly the same experience. (Actually, worse, because it coincided with Covid.) Anyway, things are better now but TBH I still have thoughts of regret about having a second, mostly because of the toll that such shitty mental health has taken on me but also my relationships (with my husband and my oldest). It's been brutal. My second was a pretty easy baby and has remained my easy kid, so it's not him per se; just the massive added level of stress that two kids puts on my life. My husband and I both work full-time and we have no local family nor much of a village, so the pressure is relentless and there's no break to, like, heal.

FWIW I can't do SSRIs either but I did end up on a medication that has helped (mirtazapine). I'm also hitting perimenopause but have been able to work with a good healthcare provider to even out those hormonal storms. Those aspects might be addressable.

 

[okeoma]

@vl32 Your experience mirrors mine so so much, except we’re still in it and my LO is almost 2. The sleep deprivation is so unbearable at times that I can’t possibly think of going through it again, we’re older parents too. No words of wisdom, just solidarity. I don’t think life ever works out the way we hope/plan and I’m learning to accept that.

 

[reporter94]

@vl32 We ended up with an only because I simply couldn’t handle the mental health implications (or the childcare costs) of a second. I did grieve the life I thought I would have, but having an only child was the right choice for our family. I am an only child myself, so I think it made the decision easier because I didn’t find it weird or sad to be an only, for whatever that is worth.

 

[vl32]

@reporter94 So sorry you experienced such a tough time too. It can be so difficult. I am one of 6 so to only have one seems to still surprise me. However , I do have one sibling and two close cousins who stopped after one, so it’s not unusual in my family.

 

[reporter94]

@vl32 My husband is one of 7, and even before having kids he thought 1-2 kids. He loves his siblings, but the lack of available resources made him not want a big family.

 

[vl32]

@reporter94 Yes.. I completely get that. Between my siblings and my parents both struggling immensely with addiction , there was no one on one time, not to mention a ton of other issues. I think it’s largely why I love the dynamic of one kid and two parents , we can just give so much love and attention to our one vs splitting time

 

[elly1]

@vl32 I get the feeling of wanting another but being afraid of the mental health hit. It is maybe 90% of why I don't want any more, even though I know it's temporary, being on the other side of ppd/ppa after two kids (the rest is that I already have a bunch of kids lol). It's a sucky feeling, but I do think we should recognize our limits and respect them.

Do you think you may have an easier time if you formula fed?

I ended up formula feeding my first two, mostly for my mental health. My next two I went straight to formula for that reason and it was a huge relief in that sense.

If possible to wait a bit longer to decide, having a slightly older child can help.

 

[sisi]

@vl32 Just a few things to mention - one is that SSRIs are not the only type of antidepressant/anti-anxiety drugs, and it could be worth trying others. Another is that you didn't mention therapy, and that can also make a difference. Third is that if you think that the hormones triggered by breastfeeding were the origin of much of your postpartum mental health issues, you truly do not have to breastfeed and can use formula from the start - there's no shame in that at all.

In general, I think fear is not a great basis for big life decisions, and especially if you struggle with OCD and anxiety, these can take you away from what you actually want and value and replace all of that with the anxiety's concerns. I'd really recommend therapy to see if you can work through some of your fears about this decision and see if you can set yourself up to have a different experience the next time, because it seems like something you do want.

 

[jenny404]

@vl32 Just jumping in to say I completely empathize with you. I didn’t experience hormonal-related mental health issues after having my daughter, however I do have pre-existing generalized anxiety and OCD. It’s hell. I have experienced multiple mental health episodes where my anxiety has reached levels impacting my ability to function. It is my #1 reason for considering one and done. My biggest concern is not being able to be the mom my kid(s) deserve due to my mental health and the long-term stress implications of a second child. Sending hugs and agree you should think it over before you have a more clear idea of what’s best for your family.

 

[nol]

@vl32 Obviously you can’t predict it, but there’s a chance you won’t have these symptoms the second time! I had no issues with PPD or mental health issues with my first, and the second time I got absolutely rocked! Many of my friends struggled the first time but had no issues the second.

The other thing I will say, as someone who just came out of a serious postpartum depression fog, it was somewhat easier to manage than other mental health issues I’ve had because I had had a baby before and knew that it was temporary. It was really hard but deep down I knew it would resolve, and that made it less scary?

 

[loveofyhwh]

@vl32 You might try a different SSRI, or cognitive behavioral therapy or other therapy during pregnancy. I would talk to some doctors about your concerns surrounding the drastic mood shifts and hormones, there may be some additional treatment plans I don't know about, particularly since you're experiencing the PMDD as well. Psychs, GP, endocrinologist, whoever - get as much info as you can.

I was on ssris prior to pregnancy and remained on them throughout and after; I was paranoid about PPD/PPA, but didn't experience it. I'm unsure if it was the drugs or not. It took me awhile to get used to them when I started though, like 2 months.

I had a labrum tear in my hip during labor that was brushed off as just contractions, so I'm experiencing a similar hesitation in having another child. I'm working on getting some concrete dx information so I'm more prepared in the future. This effort is easing my anxiety and making me want to have another.