Traumatized from watching my wife labour

[indigostarfire]

So 2 days ago my wife gave birth to a healthy beautiful girl. That part was great and I amcso happy to have her but i must say I was not at alll ready for what labour would be like as a man satching my wife go through the worst pain imaginable. She originaly wanted an at home birth and might of died if we didnt go to the hospital due to her cervix lip rolling righht at the moat painfull part, (the transision is what the midwive called it)
She was in labour for 52 hours. After the first 40hours of labouringat home bo sleep she finaly tapped out and agreed to go to the hospital.
The laughing gas was actually helpong with the contractjons allot at first so i felt some relief. But then thing amped up to the point where the gas wasnt doing shit and she was screamj g in pain while grasping the maskk g and desperatly inhaling with every breath she had. She got to 9cm and was stuck the for about 8hours. I never felt so helpless and destroyed in my life, i begged her to get an epideral but she kept declinkng it and proceeding, which didnt make sense to me because she was screaming that she doenst want to go on on wants to die and rathe rdie than continue yet didnt want the epideral. I was kicke dout multiple times just for askkng it anytime she would say something like "id do anything to make it stop"!
It was like watching your loved one get tortued for hours on end and she ha dno energy adrer being awake so long. To me it just makes sense to get an epideral at that point.

Anyways finaly the midwive noticed the cervix issue and said theaby wlnt progress unless she relaxes more and gives more time, so they ogfered fentynal. She said yes, they gave her 3 back to back shots of iv fentynal in a span of 20 mins and it did absolutly NOTHING for her pain!!. . . That showes me just how bad her pain wad, I mean like they give fentyanl to burn victims and that's enough to relieve their pain. But even 3 doses did nothing, finaly she begged for the epideral when they told her the baby decended a bit backwards. I swear that 30mins of her waitingfor the epideral screamkg and crying her eyes out to make it stop while allso helplessly inhaling into the laughing gas that wasnt doing anythignat this point. It felt like the longest 30 mins of my life. After the epideral kicked in she was able to relax and relief for about 1hour and then felt the pressure to push, she pushed in 5mins and the baby came out like nothing.
The epideral might of saved her life as it gave her body the ability to relax and let things progress.

Anyways I am making this post because I am mentaly scared I can't get the image out of my head. I hear her screams in my head and had nightmares about her being in labour again.
To all the strong women out there, yoy don't ha e to be a hero, if things aren't progressing and you are at your breaking point, sometimes grting the epideral is needed and is the best idea for your situation, balecsuse not all births are the same.
My wife had a very strict birth plan amd was doing g everything in preparation for it for 9 months and she got unlucky. No amount of prep can prepare you if things go bad because they can go wrong no matter how much birthing prep you take and birthing classes you take.
For women, you are strong stronger then most men could ever be and coodos to all of you for being a le to endure wjat you go through to give life. I love my child and wish I could of been the one giving birth instead because watching is a torture in its own way. Its the worst kind of mental torture toy could ever imsgine.
It was like take the worst heartbreak you ever had, and then miltiply it by about a thousand..
Still no where close.. .

 

[shalombrother]

@indigostarfire This sounds horrific... Have you talked to anyone about this? Maybe you should before it turns into something worse. The one thing I learnt about birth plans is: nice to have one, but don't expect it to happen that way. Nothing that I wrote down in my birth plan actually happened.

 

[knish]

@indigostarfire I'm a midwife. In the uk we offer a debrief service for parents - primarily for mums, but I think you should talk to your partner and explain you're having trouble processing and ask if she'd organise a debrief for you to attend.The reason you'll need your wife to attend is that birth notes are confidential to the patient.

Research shows that postnatal depression and PTSD are much more common for those with little or no antenatal education around birth, which sounds like it may have been the case for you. It's too late to learn before it happens but having someone talk through the notes, give you the context and understanding, could help to reduce your risk of postnatal depression (currently 1 in 10 men suffer from PND).

As someone else suggested, therapy is a good idea but therapists won't likely know enough about midwifery or birth to help put things into context so I'd recommend doing both.

 

[felipeoliveir]

@knish How do people access this debrief service? I asked my gp, health visitor, and phoned up the maternity ward I gave birth in and none of them had ever heard of it before and just shrugged me off (you know what the nhs is like!) but I keep seeing it referenced online. My birth was over 12 months ago now and I’m pregnant with number 2 so worried I’ve missed the boat, but I’d absolutely find a debrief session helpful.

 

[watchfulone]

@felipeoliveir If you google your hospital you gave birth at and birth reflections or birth debrief - if it doesn’t come up email PALS and ask to be directed to that service.