To have or not to have?

E

eatay

New member
UPDATE: He decided against having a baby...so I’m sad BUT I get to have my tummy tuck. Also, I stayed true to my word and did not try and sway him to saying “Yes” he decided on his own and said he likes our life now and already considers my kids his own and would like to just enjoy life with me, since kids will be adults in less than 3 years.

Thanks for all your input everyone!!
Original Post:

I have 2 teenage children, boy and girl. I have been married for 3 years and I am close to mid 30s, I had my children early.

My husband and I are debating having a child together. He would like to have his own child, and I always thought I would have one more. But if we don’t have one, it will not be the end of the world for us.

We are not rich, but are comfortable. Being that my children are close to being adults, is this unreasonable? I say I am ok with not having one, and I am being honest w him, but I would really
Like one. I don’t know if it is selfish reasons because now is the ages of all my friends starting their families.

I have always enjoyed being a mom but am wondering if we would be making a good decision to start all over, and if we should just enjoy the remaining years. Any input would be awesome. You can straight up call me crazy too, it’s ok.

Also adding: if we don’t have a child, I will be able to do a tummy tuck that I have been wanting for forever, but have held off cause I thought I would eventually have one!
 
@eatay are you willing and physically able to keep up with a growing child? if not, maybe not a great idea. if you can then i think it’s a fine idea. no one else’s input matters though, you should have a baby if you both want one and you can provide for it! some ideas may seem silly to outsiders but this is YOUR life and you’ll be the one to live with the regret of not trying for another if you don’t. also, your husbands desire for a bio kid is a big thing to consider, this is his only chance, i think that deserves serious consideration.
 
@katrina2017 Thank you! We are both physically able. The last sentence really hit me hard, this really would be his only chance, i will stress this to him so he knows what he is agreeing to- thank you!
 
@eatay It sounds like you both want another, so why not?! I know lots of families who have 10+ years between kids. It’s a unique sibling relationship for sure, but think of it this way: if you had had five kids and waited 2-3 years between each kid, your oldest and youngest might be that far apart anyway.
 
@eatay In one of the other comments you said you 'let him know what he is agreeing to'. With that in mind, how much has he been around little children? Do you have young nieces and nephews you could borrow to give him an inkling? Because if he decides after a month that he doesn't like it, then what?

As such, I'm in the basket of, 'why mess with something that's already good?' so I would lean towards, 'no', but because you are the one who will have to bear the child, I think the final decision should be up to you rather than some internet stranger.

I also think that you should take the coronavirus into consideration and at least wait until a vaccine is available. The darn thing causes miscarriage/early births (technically, growing evidence) and it would be heartbreaking to get pregnant just to lose it in such a cruel way.
 
@eatay Not sure about having more, but I had my son in my mid 30s and I'm loving every minute of it. He's 3 now and we just got back from a beach trip.

If you're in a good spot and he wants to be a dad with a loving experienced wife, rock n roll.
 
@eatay My aunt and her husband adopted a little boy when one of her daughters was an adult and the other was a teen! Many people have kids this age! If you really want it and your husband also does then I don't see why not! This kid probably won't grow up with the sibling dynamic like your other did but thats fine! It allows you and your husband to pour in all your energy into your little one! You've never experienced your husband as a dad to a baby/toddler phase so it'll be a great experience all around (with the added challenges of course but you already know this). Go for it!!
 
@eatay This happened to both my grandparents unplanned. Providing you don’t make the teenagers become the parent, sounds good.
My aunt still has no kids because she was fed up raising her brother as a teenager.
 
@eatay Speaking as someone with older siblings 10-15 years older than me, it really does create a different relationship. I have a younger sibling so I don’t feel like an only child, but if you do they might end up feeling that way. It also depends on your older children’s lifestyle and where they live but they might end up feeling like more of aunts/uncles than siblings sometimes. You will have a lot of help for a few years but eventually it will be just the three of you at home so it will be like starting over.

However I remember my younger sibling and I always asking our mother for another sibling again so there must have some part of that age gap we liked :)

It isn’t really a bad thing, you should consider it.
 
@eatay I agree with the other poster about your husband having a chance to have his own child but also keep in mind how many men are happy with no kids. You'd be 50+ when this one is gone and very much stuck to the nap and bedtime routine of a little one until 40. Plenty of people do it but since you have already done this you know whether that's something you want to repeat or not. I personally am having another ASAP because I want to pass the baby years entirely by 30 and never do this again. But you're not me and your husband might want that- or he might not. You know the sacrifices and only you and your husband know if that's what you want to do with these years :)
 
@deelo00 Right, I see. it's true. I basically got everything off of my bucket list in my 30s before we started. I can see how it would be a big decision to dedicate so much of your life to child rearing.
 
@deelo00 Agree with some men being happy with none, he said he would be ok without one but would like one. I told him that I am ok with whatever he decides, even though it is a decision for both of us- since I do have my own and I don’t want to take the chance away from him. I am secretly hoping for a yes answer but am abstaining from saying it to avoid putting pressure on his decision, and also cause mine are teens. He will be telling me his answer by the end of the month >.
 
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