Tips on having the “separation” talk with kids

[shadowd]

So my partner and I have been separated for about 2 months now. Not living separately but I’m sleeping in a different room. ( I am working on getting my own place but those things can take time)

Ex-partner and I are on somewhat ok terms. I have my bad days where I just want to scream and rage at him but I try to put on a good mask.( Background we have been “together” for 14 years and things began to drastically decline once I started working FT and he started a new job last year)

Our daughter(10) has asked 3 times now why we aren’t sleeping in the same room. The answer I have given has been Mom and Dad are taking a break from each other. I personally HATE saying this. I think the kids ( we also have a 12 y/o son) deserve an honest and age appropriate explanation. So it doesn’t all hit them at once. My Ex got very upset with me when I told him our 10y/o asked me and I answered her, “ because he wasn’t there”.
I am a child of divorce at a very young age, and I know for a fact that my parents not being honest with me F-d me up. I was 5 and didn’t understand why I couldn’t be with my Mom and No one would tell me why.
So tips,resources or articles I can read on the best way to have an age appropriate honest conversation with the kids about what’s going on would be greatly appreciated.

 

[katrina2017]

@shadowd theres no easy way. we did it together, and I moved out a week later. it was a horrid time.

best or luck.

 

[savedmayo]

@katrina2017 Did things get better? How long did it take? Looking for a glimmer of hope in my situation

 

[katrina2017]

@savedmayo yes, things absolutely got better. was a rocky road. it's been 4 years and I can honestly say I'm much happier, healthier, confident.

kids are settled, secure too.

was very difficult at first but we get through it.

 

[bluegoose]

@shadowd They already know. Sit down and say the words, rip off the band aid, it will be better for everyone involved.

 

[katrina2017]

@shadowd There are many children's picture books that can assist you in explaining the concept of divorce in child-appropriate language. A popular book is "Two Homes" by Claire Masurel.

 

[bigadolph420]

@katrina2017 They are too old for that sort of thing in my opinion

 

[katrina2017]

@bigadolph420 If the book I recommend is a little too elementary for OP's kids then there are many books aimed towards an older, middle school audience. I feel one is never too old to relate to the stories in books, even if there are less pictures in them as we grow older.

 

[katrina2017]

@shadowd There have been times where my 5yo SS ask why daddy and mommy aren’t together anymore and we just answer a bit honestly but not too much. “Mommy and daddy weren’t happy and now they are just friends everyone is happy” but BM tells SS that they were married but they never were or puts things in his mind to the point we have to be honest, especially as he gets older. He ask do you still love mommy and he started “I don’t love mommy but I will always care for mommy bc that is your mom”

 

[mangomint]

@shadowd We spent a while working on this - it’s really important to understand what to say about what’s going to happen. We did it in two phases for our 9yo. First we said we’re going to be spending time apart but we’re still going to be with him individually- that we were working on grown up problems. Then after we knew our plan (divorce, selling the house, moving to separate places, custody plan) the idea was to tell him we were getting a divorce and that it wasn’t what anyone wanted but we’d tried everything else. Then tell him about how it was going to impact him practically. Kids don’t need a big emotional speech, they need to know they’re going to be safe and taken care of. Note that my ex totally went off script and it derailed things for a while, so be careful and be prepared. There’s a book by Betsy Brown called “just tell me what to say” for parents that has a good chapter on talking about divorce with kids.

Was it perfect? no - but a year later he’s doing great and adjusting well.

Good luck.

 

[levi9]

@shadowd I told my kids as if it wasn’t bad news. We’re getting another house. This is just like [insert kids friends], they have two houses. They get to stay at both houses, they even take their dogs to each house. They have rooms at each house. Some days I’ll take you to school. Sometimes they’ll take you to school.

Yes the logistics of a divorce suck for parents. But it’s a decision for everyone’s happiness. (It’s not a failure.) So, I think of it as a good move, with a lot of suckiness in the midst that the kids don’t need to witness.

 

[alonebutmarried]

@shadowd There’s an episode of the podcast Raising Good Humans that helped me get ready for this conversation with my little. I haven’t had it yet but this felt like a good start: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raising-good-humans/id1473072044?i=1000523376238

 

[hal4x]

@shadowd We waited until the one that was moving out had somewhere to move into so that there was a set timeframe and no confusion. Child was five though, so possibly not comparable. I think the principle is probably a good one though.