Tips for how to not feel irrationally angry at S.O?!

[sullengirl]

Hey guys I (26) and partner (32M) had a conversation last night and I said that I would love to be 28 when trying for a baby. I discussed how if we wanted three children we must consider my maternal age as ideally we would love to space them out. And that due to living in the country and 3 hours away from a hospital (we live on my partners farm) I would be in a good place in my career to go to my mums in the city if there were pregnancy complications. In our situation we are reliant on both of our incomes so we need to consider my career moves very carefully I believe. I also have an inflammatory pelvic disease which can add some complications to conception.

My S.O was super vague in his response he said that he would love to travel with me and get more time as a couple and that its to early to discuss in terms of we wont know how we feel then (we have been together for 2 years but trying would be 4). He also explained his concerns for wanting freedom as a couple but reiterated that he did want kids some day.

I know that my S.Os response is reasonable and fair but I just feel irrationally angry at him, I question why he isn’t concerned about fertility or about him potentially being and older dad if we delayed and delayed. I also feel like hes not excited which annoys me and that he doesn’t have to consider and worry about our remote location, work and even things like taking a break from children when childcare is an hours drive away. I feel like he should be jumping at the opportunity haha.

But I know this is beyond mean and picky does anyone get irrationally angry and how do you cope/keep the demons at bay?

 

[cmaker3]

@sullengirl I don't think your frustration or anger is irrational, actually! You're really excited and nervous about taking this big step together, you've thought through many of the challenges you would likely face, and you proposed a plan to him that you think addresses those challenges. Instead of engaging with you substantively, he brushed you off with vague promises of "someday" and didn't take seriously your concerns about conception, your health, or your career.

It is totally fine for him to want something different from you, and I think it's admirable that you are working so hard to respect his choices even when they potentially conflict with what you want. But it's okay to feel angry when your partner deflects a conversation that you want to have. I'd encourage you to trust that feeling and to let him know that actually, you have a pretty good sense of how you'll feel in 2 years, and you want a more substantive discussion than vague gestures at "freedom" before you have kids "someday."

 

[sullengirl]

@cmaker3 Oh my goodness thank you so much for your reply! You know that is exactly what it is actually its not feeling I suppose acknowledged for what I have brought up and maybe its because he feels abit responsible for our location. BUT yeah he needs to face up to the situation a bit! Thank you so much for your reply, i hope all is going ok on your journey? X

 

[cmaker3]

@sullengirl I'm glad I helped. Always happy to give a pep talk on Reddit, haha. Thanks for asking about my journey -- it's been a pretty long, slow road for the past few months, but we're about to hit some pre-ttc milestones and I'm feeling energized. Good luck on your journey and keep us posted!

 

[sullengirl]

@cmaker3 Hahah love it I appreciated the pep talk and we had a second more stern chat and I actually got alot out of him about his fears of not getting to “live” (travel) which he saw from his parents never travelling and now regretting it. But he also said he doesnt want to be too much older and we discussed a trip in 1 year, covid permitting and how you can take short vacations when using grandparents etc. i think hes taken in alot of the mentality from his male friends with kids that once you have kids your life is over. Such a good chat! Anyways many thanks and Im sorry to hear its a been a long journey they sounds very emotionally draining. You must be very excited are you doing your pre-natal vitamins etc?

 

[cmaker3]

@sullengirl That's great! I'm so glad you were able to have a more satisfying discussion the second time round! I totally understand the fear of being pinned down. I worry about that too! But leaving kids with the grandparents (and babysitters, and close friends) is a wonderful way to get away now and again, and good for kids, too. When I was a kid, I remember my parents went away for their wedding anniversary one year and left me with our next door neighbors. I had such a great time I told them they should go away again next weekend! Lol

No prenatal vitamins yet -- we are about a year out, and those things are expensive, haha. I have been more proactive with some chronic injuries/health issues, though, and figuring out how to get myself healed and in shape is really exciting. I wear a fitness tracker and I've watched as my cardio fitness has declined this past year with inactivity... I'm really looking forward to kicking my recovery into high gear in the next few months so that my body is stronger and ready for pregnancy. Plus, we are moving to the Midwest in just 3 weeks! Big, big changes coming!

 

[kjv4me]

@sullengirl As a kid I travelled a lot with my dad! My mom didn't enjoy travelling as much and had a crazier work schedule so my dad would take at least one of us on a big trip every year (we'd also go on family trips with everyone it just was less affordable I assume). Travel was really important to my dad so he made it happen and I'm sure your SO could too!

 

[katrina2017]

@sullengirl I feel you! It sucks when you’ve got a plan in your head, have thought it through but your partner isn’t into having the conversation. Having a baby is such a huge leap, I understand his stance. Maybe you could come back and say something like, “I didn’t mean to catch you off guard with the baby discussion, but I’ve spent a lot of time and energy thinking about this and I think we should have a plan for when to start trying based on our ages. I’d love if you could take some time to consider what I’ve said/proposed and let’s have another conversation in a month,” that way he has some time to think about it and he knows you’re serious and that this is really important to you.

 

[sullengirl]

@katrina2017 Hi thanks for this yeah you hit the nail on the head in that I did actually catch him off guard. I feel like hes someone that needs alot of time to absorb things and think about it. We had a great chat but didnt set anything in stone which is fine and I got the reassurance that I needed but yeah Im going to give him a warning next time for sure as his second answer was much more satisfying then the first lol. How are you going in your journey?

 

[katrina2017]

@sullengirl Going alright. Told husband I want to start TTC after our vacation in sept and he said he’d think about it. Really he’s on the fence about even wanting kids at all, I don’t want to force him. I want him to want it as much as I do. I haven’t brought that up in a few weeks. Figure I’ll wait another few weeks to uh, check in on how he’s feeling.

 

[katrina2017]

@sullengirl I had a conversation with my husband a month ago about a timeline. Not so much having kids but when we should actually start considering them. We set up major goals to reach before even ttc and things we would like to do before ttc. For us it was reaching a savings goal and me finishing school or nearing the end of school. That helped us both so that he didn’t feel pressured or overwhelmed with the decision and me because it gave me a clearer idea of what to expect and where we are both at along with mutual agreement. I encourage a thoughtful but clear conversation to see if this is what he wants. We have been together for 3ish almost 4 years and won’t have kids until we are about 6 years together (4 married).

 

[sullengirl]

@katrina2017 Hi thanks so much for this, your so on the right track about discussing clear goals and actual reasons behind the thinking. My S.O had a good chat the other day and he discussed his fears of not “living” because he has heard from his parents how they had children and then missed out on travelling etc. which i get his fear especially because of the farm that he runs. So I think your right that we need to discuss his goals about travel etc, and also my own with stuff I want done to the house (some kind of cooling system for baby room etc) … thanks for your response its so good to hear how other couples are tackling this and how your approaching it.

 

[katrina2017]

@sullengirl I totally get it because I’ve been there. I actually didn’t want kids and probably wouldn’t if my husband & I ever divorced god forbid. A lot of it was seeing them as burdens and not being able to live my life which was due to my traumatic upbringing and what others would say having kids would do. I worked hard to move past that all and my baby fever hasn’t settled down since lol. I love to travel in fact it’s the biggest thing of our relationship we are always traveling esp. during the summer. Instead of seeing it as “oh if I have kids I won’t be able to do that” I now see it as “I wish I had kids they would’ve loved to be here and experience this with us” and it helps a lot. We recently visited Disney World and both discussed how awesome it would’ve been to have our kids experience it. So it’ll take time but I feel he will eventually get right on board with you too. We just bought a house this year so we want to fix things up too before baby.