The effects of lack of communication between parents and their young children

[lithit2]

Not a parent myself, nor an expert, but I have a 12 years old sister and was born to parents who had a lot of problems together and split up two years ago. I was 11 when she was born and my brother was 7.

Anyway, they barely used to talk to my sister, unlike my brother when he was a baby and a toddler, and that's because they had no motivation to do so since they were busy with their own shit. My brother and I obviously didn't always care for her because it's not our responsibility, and I didn't know the importance of communication with toddlers back then.

I noticed the following unusual things about my sister:

1. She started to talk at 3 years old and a half, which is older than average
2. Her vocab was always very poor in comparison to her cousins of the same age
3. Her comprehension of anything requiring listening is very poor
4. She has difficulty expressing herself
5. She takes long pauses and says a lot of "eum, ughh..." while talking
6. Her performance at school is bad in comparison to her cousins. Her average out of 20 is always between 12 and 14, while her cousins' average was never less than 17
7. She never understood her lessons in class
8. When I re-explain to her at home, she either takes too long to understand, or doesn't understand at all.
9. She never had friends at school. She told me recently that she always used to stay alone during breaks

Since my parents, my uncle and his wife talked with my brother and cousins A LOT more than my sister when they were infants, I linked all of the above with the lack of communication with my sister in her early years.

However I may be wrong of course, but I wanted to share my thoughts about this topic.

One last thing: if lack of communication isn't the cause of all this with my sister, then maybe the cause is that my mother had her when she was 38. To my knowledge, women who are older than 35 have a higher risk of bringing children with disabilities because the quality of their eggs gets worse. Perhaps my sister has a learning disability. Just assuming.

 

[koyanna]

@lithit2 So the age of your mother shouldn’t really make a difference. Yes, egg quality can decrease over time. But you’re mother had two previous healthy pregnancies. So it’s not super likely.

Now, while I haven’t seen anything that says minimal talking to your kids is detrimental exactly, I have seen some stuff where children with advanced speech and vocabulary tend to have parents that talk to them, and each other, more than average. Basically talkative parents have talkative kids - and it’s not genetic, it’s learned.

Considering speech directly leads on to how you perceive and learn other things, it’s reasonable to assume that there is a fair amount of catch up that needs to happen for kids with less developed speech. Think - a 3rd grader with better reading and comprehension will become better at math than a child that has worse reading and comprehension. Not because they’re better at math, but because they can work and practice independently.

Sounds like your sister started from a disadvantaged position and this has compounded throughout her school years. Have her evaluated, to be sure. But other than that, I think she just needs some heavy duty tutoring to catch her up.

 

[g48dd]

@lithit2 As a speech language pathologist who has worked with children ages 2-13 in both early intervention and school settings, you’re concerns are valid. Lack of communication with infants and toddlers can drastically impact their language development. What you have described sounds a lot like a language delay and your sister would likely benefit from being evaluated by a speech language pathologist at her school. School evaluations are free. It is something that can be requested by parents or teachers and the results of testing can lead to accommodations in school to help your sister thrive.
There is a fantastic book that discusses the importance of talking with and around young children called Thirty Million Words: Building a Child's Brain https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525954872/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_G5ZB8RARXJ3860Q72HMN

It is absolutely never too late to seek help, and it sounds like you are looking for a way to help your sister. If you are able, talk with her teachers and let them know your concerns, they likely have seen some of the things you have observed.

 

[lithit2]

@g48dd I would definitely like to help her because it will change her life drastically. The problem is we recently had to move to a new country with a new language because the situation in our country is very bad. However we also don't have speech and language pathologists at schools in our country, unfortunately. Add to that that teachers don't care about details in every child because they are fed up with their lives in the country and don't get paid well. Anyway, there are communities that speak our language in that new country and I will try to find her a doctor. Meanwhile, what can I do in order to help her as a family member and as someone who isn't an expert? Will speaking to her more than usual help?

 

[michaelrh1325]

@lithit2 Did you have a question?

 

[lithit2]

@michaelrh1325 No I just wanted to share my opinion. However I will be happy to know others' opinions.