Stuff I now worry about in "trying" mode

[nickkhun23]

While waiting to try, I had a specific set of things I worried about - timing baby's horoscope, saving money, how to talk to my SO to set expectations - and I got a lot of support from this group thinking through it.

Now that I'm officially in trying mode (no more birth control, no more condoms), these are the New Things I Worry About that I thought maybe some of you will worry about also:

• "How long before my birth control wears off?"

Not a doctor, but the general medical consensus in the US (where I live) is "as few as 1 cycle, as many as 3 cycles." Medical folks also advise women that "on average" it takes between 3 and 6 months for most women to get pregnant, barring any fertility issues.

From personal experience both now and a year ago when I froze some eggs, I know that ovulate within 21 days of discontinuing brith control. Sure enough, I was right on schedule this month but I'm still not pregnant - because me getting an egg going is only half the battle... And I've got no data on what my SO's fertility is going to be like.

• "Are you SURE you want to be pregnant when we do X?"

SO and I planned a trip to Italy in late June. While getting sexy earlier this month, he stopped midway and fretted that if he got me pregnant, I would be morning sick the ENTIRE time we were in Italy.

On the one hand, he's right - that would probably suck. On the other... like HELL he's going to get me pregnant straight out of the gate. Sure, everybody has that one friend who totally did... but it's statistically unlikely. Plus, I'd rather cross that bridge when we get to it versus WHILE getting down, you know?

See above: Still not pregnant

• "I better eat a lot of X now, because I can't have it when I'm pregnant... right?"

A thorough exploration into the bowels of the internet tells me that there's a LOT of bullshit out there around a pregnant woman's diet. tl;dr - internet be cray, talk to your doctor and IGNORE EVERYONE ELSE. And maybe don't use pre-pregnancy as an excuse to drink all the vodka. Anything to excess is harmful, right?

• "I need to lose weight/accomplish this fitness goal/buy these heels/do this bucket list thing before we get pregnant."

Some of the bigger ones, like job promotion or my first pair of stilettos, I made sure to check off the list this year already. Some stuff like losing weight will be best accomplished by TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR. Some of the stuff I haven't gotten to, though - like deadlifting more than my bodyweight or going to China - I can still do while pregnant or afterward. Just because you don't get to everything you wanted to do doesn't mean you'll never get the chance!

• "I want to save up X by the time the kid is here, BUT OH, LOOK AT THIS SHINY THING."

I started skimming an extra amount of money from my checking to my savings every month instead of guilting myself over the stuff I buy. Working out so far!

• "I have no one to talk to."

The TTC groups are very lovely, but I just don't feel at home in there the way I did here. Many of these women are at the point of trying where they're tracking their ovulation and exploring fertility interventions. Feels weird to use those spaces to daydream about having a kid, or fret about miscarriage statistics (God, that would be SO insensitive!!!).

I'm a still a little lonely (which is why I still lurk here), but I have found one or two friends in my regular life that are in similar windows. So I can talk to them. But I do wish there was a "TTC but not very hard" group that was between Waiting To Try and the rest of the pregnancy-oriented Reddit.

Anyway, nice to see you guys again. Good luck and great patience be with you!

 

[briannas]

@nickkhun23 I started ntnp, moved to temping and charting and it wasn't till a few months of that when I found TFAB. Even then it was incredibly intimidating how knowledgeable the women were. I think I spent a good month or so just lurking.

Now I'm here, there, everywhere. I'm waiting to IVF after I work through some anxiety issues. I'm not temping/charting, I'm actually on bc so I can start immediately when I'm ready to do IVF, and I just dont fit anywhere right now. I have a lot of TTC knowledge/experience but I'm not even TTC now and I've never been pregnant.

What I'm trying to get at is hang out where you feel comfortable. I know TFAB has several of ntnp people there but I do know the overall tone is TCOYF and temping.

And last thing if TFAB has a coming off bc info post that has lots of great info about when cycles went back to normal or when a person finally got their period post bc.

 

[missktl]

@nickkhun23 I can relate 100% to all of this! Since I'm not tracking ovulation, my first cycle off HBC was 34 days of anxiety wondering if/when I will get a period, if I will get pregnant (the first cycle? yeah right!), or if I even ovulate at all. I constantly think about life events coming up and how pregnant I would be during them if I got pregnant. I'm not about to postpone trying just so I can drink at an upcoming wedding, or travel to Spain without having a giant belly. I'm not putting stuff off just in case I get pregnant. I'm super conscious about drinking alcohol and coffee now, especially during the second half of my cycle, and couldn't stop thinking about how this might be my last drink for 9 months! I constantly feel like we can't spend money on frivolous things any more, even though we aren't even pregnant yet. And super yes to the "I have no one to talk to" because like you, I'm not tracking or trying to time sex or anything, so I don't feel like I fit into any subreddits anymore. If you ever want someone to chat with about the "TTC but not very hard" life, shoot me a message!

 

[anviet212]

@missktl Exactly the same here regarding the whole "TTC but not very hard" life! I do basic things but I'm in no way anal retentive about it in the way most of TFAB seems to be.

 

[eldiable2005]

@nickkhun23 I'm in the same exact place you are. We are sort of NTNP until late summer when I'm planning to go into "track all the things" mode.

I don't really feel like I "fit" anywhere- we aren't exactly WTT, but I feel bad posting in the TFAB group because we aren't exactly at that level yet.

Feel free to shoot me a message- I'm happy to commiserate with someone who is at a similar place!

I've got similar concerns, in similar areas.

-We've got a trip planned end of June/beginning of July too.

-my work schedule would technically be better if we got pregnant in August vs now (but I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that planning to that specific of a level is like finding a magical unicorn that poops solid gold or something).

-DH is sort of tossing around the idea of a career change- the one he's looking at involves a lot of travel (better get pregnant before he starts traveling or we are hosed! )

-He's also not one of those super excited, all he's ever wanted is a kiddo people. Which is both good and bad, and I worry about that.

-on the miscarriage front- I look at those charts and think "maybe I should wait until I'm X weeks pregnant to even mention it to DH. Hmmm..."

-we've basically hit the one big "money" thing I wanted checked off, which was having an emergency fund that would cover almost six months of half of our bills. I've got several other that would be nice, but I don't feel the need to wait for those things. But that leads me to..

-there are a billion projects around the house that I need to do, and a lot of them are probably not things that should be done while pregnant. I do worry about those!

But just like you, all of these concerns seem like they are vastly inappropriate to bug other people about when there are people who have so much bigger/more valid-seeming concerns.

Anyway- all this to say- you aren't alone!!

 

[bennno]

@nickkhun23 I've been lurking/commenting in TFAB for a few weeks now I think and I totally agree with you. They all see nice so far, but I feel bad Talking about NTNP'ing for two months when all these other women have been trying/temping for forever.

I'm a worrier and planner too. I have a wedding I have to fly in for in Sept and DH and I were planning on waiting after that. Well...we ran out of condoms and decided that we'd just not buy anymore and see what happens. Last month AF was 5 days late and when I finally tested and got a neg, we were both pretty sad.
I also feel lonely and it's almost like people don't want to talk IRL about trying or planning to try. Every time I've tried to talk about it people just nervously change the subject as fast as possible. I also have opposite schedules with DH so our time together is rather limited.

I have my "Wait until we do this to have a baby" List too.
-Lose my beer belly. I already look like I could be a few months showing...But I know I'm not going to buck up and do it.
-Save money and buy a new car. But then I worry about having a car payment for the next 4-5 years and wonder if it's really a good idea. (My current car is NOT baby friendly, 2 door, manual trans, no a/c in Florida..DH's car is not much better)
-Projects in the house we just bought in Aug. (It's the definition of a "Starter Home": Livable, but in need of some upgrades/work)
-etc

TLR I feel ya. I have no friends here, my family is impossible to talk to, I have opposite schedules with DH right now and he's not a planner like me. Just trying to find a place where I fit in.

 

[roseanne7]

@nickkhun23 Check out the /r/WTT_Grads sub, it's perfect for you!!

 

[nickkhun23]

@roseanne7 It's... not

I'm not sure what it is about Reddit micro-communities, but you tend to get a sense very quickly of "belong/not belong" usually within three weekly recurring posts and two regulars. I went there first before BabyBumps and just didn't get a vibe that jibes with what kind of person I am and where my head is at.

 

[roseanne7]

@nickkhun23 Aw bummer , sorry to hear that.

 

[katrina2017]

@nickkhun23 You're always welcome here

 

[sobbret]

@nickkhun23 God, me too. For all of it, especially having nowhere else on Reddit to daydream. Now I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. It really sucks.

 

[boochomp]

@nickkhun23 I hope you feel comfortable joining us at TFAB soon! If it makes you feel better, lots of people there are NTNP. Even though some people are tracking, it doesn't mean they've been trying for long (some are cycle 1!). There really are people at all points of the fertility journey. I do wish there was a specific sub for dreaming about future baby, but even without being heavy on that element, TFAB is great. (ETA: TFAB just added a weekly thread for this!!)

It can be super intimidating to join in over there (I definitely was for a month or so), but the daily chats are a good place to start, low stress.