stepdaughter resents me

[nart]

Cross-posted in r/Parenting

My fiancé (36M) and I (33F) have 4 kids total. 2 from his marriage and 2 from mine. His kids are J (11F) and JJ (5M) and mine are G (8M) and L (5F). Yesterday my fiancé told me that his 11 year old J told him she resents me because I am 3 months pregnant w/baby #5 and because she now has 2 new step-siblings (because of me). She told him that she wants it to go back to “just her, her dad, and her little brother.” She even asked her dad to take her home to her moms from their weekend here with us because she feels like she’s “being replaced by his new family”. The 5 year olds love each other and love spending time together, and my son G really loves his kids too. How can we help J feel more comfortable here? It’s J who seems to be the only kid unhappy with the current family dynamic. She wants to be the only child but obviously that can’t happen again! lol. TIA.

 

[ozious]

@nart This problem aside, why are you bringing your children into a situation where they will be playing second fiddle?

 

[nart]

@ozious I don’t understand what you’re asking me... who/what are my kids playing “second fiddle” to??

 

[ozious]

@nart

https://www.reddit.com/r/ParentingInBulk/comments/ijf6kw/fianc

3 weeks ago you posted about how your fiancé clearly and obviously favors his oldest child.

 

[nart]

@ozious Right. That’s something that he’s working on... as I’m 3 months pregnant now, would you suggest that I just leave him because of this? People have favorite children... I do not, but does that mean someone can’t work on themselves to change?

 

[i_am_his_child]

@nart Wow, it looks like there's a lot going on here based on your post history:

• You have 4 children, 2 cats, and 1 dog.
• You're pregnant with #5
• A month ago your fiance was on HRT and transitioning from male to female. It sounds like this has stopped recently.
• Your fiance also called you a piece of shit, and you considered cancelling the wedding.

This is a lot. The poor girl is stressed enough being a preteen, let alone with all of this going on in the background. I would delay the wedding and get some family therapy.

 

[nart]

@i_am_his_child Yes, we do have a lot going on... We’re on the waitlist to be in couples therapy so hopefully that happens soon. My fiancé was on HRT for a year or so but this was happening several years ago... I don’t see how that really affects this situation? Obviously I am here for any advice and supportive comments I can gather from the community. If I had my shit figured out then what would be the point of posting in these groups?

 

[i_am_his_child]

@nart The 11F has a dad, who started to transition to a woman, and then stopped. Obviously your fiance has the right to do it, nor am I discouraging them from transitioning at a pace they are comfortable with. It's still a lot for a kid to process. Even if it happened a few years ago, the daughter is at an age where kids are exploring their identity. It's well within the realm of possibility that she's processing what happened with her dad, especially if it came up recently.

My point is this isn't a one off situation, and is above reddit's pay grade. The top 2 comments on your other post mention this as well.

 

[nart]

@i_am_his_child Welp. Unfortunately this is all I really have until we can begin the counseling

 

[i_am_his_child]

@nart You mentioned couples therapy, but I sincerely hope you consider family therapy as well. Or at least individual counselling for the kids.

 

[nart]

@i_am_his_child As much as I would like that, my ex husband does not agree to have my kids in any therapy. We have joint legal custody so he has to agree or it’s not a possibility. My fiancé only has his kids on the weekends so I could mention it to him, but that would have to be a decision between himself and his ex wife.

 

[i_am_his_child]

@nart A child's mental health is so important. This is a hill I would die on. I would strongly recommend revisiting this topic with the courts.