callum7430
New member
We have been agonizing over this question for months and I would love to hear your thoughts.
My husband (32M) and I (35F) have a 3.5 year old and a 14 month old, both boys. We love them to peices and I am so grateful to have them in our lives. When my husband and I were first married, we were pretty sure we wanted kids but not entirely. We decided to go for it, had our first son and the transition from 0 to 1 hit us hard. We are busy, active people who value our careers and the life shift was challenging. For months we thought we might be OAD. But then we started getting more sleep and around my son turning one year things started to click. We decided to try for two and now we have our two boys. The transition from 1 to 2 was hard, but not as hard as the transition from 0 to 1. My postpartum period with my first was hard - I had PPA and didn't cope particularly well. My postpartum period with my second (while physically more challenging) was more than I could have ever hoped for. I had no PPA and loved that phase with my second. And... it got me thinking. What if we had another? A bigger family? A third baby?
I can't get the thought out of my mind.
We do well financially. We aren't super wealthy but have good full-time jobs that we would keep that would allow us to afford childcare. We would fit in our current home with three kids and we could make our current vehicles work with a bigger family. At least for a few years. I love the idea of having my arms full of these people I love. I love the idea of being old and knowing I have three kids to care for and bond with. My heart wants a third.
My husband feels like he could go either way. He and I have both struggled with anxiety and depression through the years. I maintain mine well with regular exercise and therapy. He started therapy about 6 months ago and it has made a world of difference. We are both more stable now than we've been in years (but still have bad days, of course). We both also want to be busy doing things - activities, traveling, local adventures, visiting family, etc. and we worry that won't go as well with three little kids (but maybe would be great once they're older?). My husband likes the idea of a bigger family and tells me so frequently but is torn over having less disposable income and freedom to do things. He prefers the idea of two but gets that I want three and is trying to be flexible. But, that's hard because I feel nervous to have a third if he's neutral about it.
I struggle with the idea of being spread too thin and not being able to give the two kids I have the attention they need and want. But, I also love the idea of there frequently being bodies in the house as they get to their teenage years. Frankly, I dread the day I have an empty nest. After my second was born I told my Mom, "I would never have a third because I hate feeling split between the two." I still don't like that feeling but the thought of a third keeps coming back for me.
(TW: loss)
Our trying to conceive and pregnancies were not easy (maybe they rarely are?). It took 9 months to get pregnant with our first, I had debilitating pregnancy nausea (thank goodness for medication), and got a blood clot in my leg during the pregnancy (superficial, not deep vein). For our second, we tried for 5 months, experienced a miscarriage, and when we got pregnant again we had problems from the beginning in addition to being medicated for morning sickness again. Turns out, I had placental insufficiency that resulted in my son being growth restricted. He was born healthy, but it was terrifying.
So, we sit here, stuck in this decision like we have been for almost the past year. If we decide to start trying for a third, we would want to begin in early 2023. If we got pregnant quickly, it would mean we'd have a 4.5 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn.
When I talk to friends and family about this they frequently ask if I want a third because I want a girl. The answer is, I'd love a girl. But I'd also love another boy. My heart swells at the thought of having a daughter and my heart swells at the thought of having a trio of boys.
Thoughts? What would you do?
My husband (32M) and I (35F) have a 3.5 year old and a 14 month old, both boys. We love them to peices and I am so grateful to have them in our lives. When my husband and I were first married, we were pretty sure we wanted kids but not entirely. We decided to go for it, had our first son and the transition from 0 to 1 hit us hard. We are busy, active people who value our careers and the life shift was challenging. For months we thought we might be OAD. But then we started getting more sleep and around my son turning one year things started to click. We decided to try for two and now we have our two boys. The transition from 1 to 2 was hard, but not as hard as the transition from 0 to 1. My postpartum period with my first was hard - I had PPA and didn't cope particularly well. My postpartum period with my second (while physically more challenging) was more than I could have ever hoped for. I had no PPA and loved that phase with my second. And... it got me thinking. What if we had another? A bigger family? A third baby?
I can't get the thought out of my mind.
We do well financially. We aren't super wealthy but have good full-time jobs that we would keep that would allow us to afford childcare. We would fit in our current home with three kids and we could make our current vehicles work with a bigger family. At least for a few years. I love the idea of having my arms full of these people I love. I love the idea of being old and knowing I have three kids to care for and bond with. My heart wants a third.
My husband feels like he could go either way. He and I have both struggled with anxiety and depression through the years. I maintain mine well with regular exercise and therapy. He started therapy about 6 months ago and it has made a world of difference. We are both more stable now than we've been in years (but still have bad days, of course). We both also want to be busy doing things - activities, traveling, local adventures, visiting family, etc. and we worry that won't go as well with three little kids (but maybe would be great once they're older?). My husband likes the idea of a bigger family and tells me so frequently but is torn over having less disposable income and freedom to do things. He prefers the idea of two but gets that I want three and is trying to be flexible. But, that's hard because I feel nervous to have a third if he's neutral about it.
I struggle with the idea of being spread too thin and not being able to give the two kids I have the attention they need and want. But, I also love the idea of there frequently being bodies in the house as they get to their teenage years. Frankly, I dread the day I have an empty nest. After my second was born I told my Mom, "I would never have a third because I hate feeling split between the two." I still don't like that feeling but the thought of a third keeps coming back for me.
(TW: loss)
Our trying to conceive and pregnancies were not easy (maybe they rarely are?). It took 9 months to get pregnant with our first, I had debilitating pregnancy nausea (thank goodness for medication), and got a blood clot in my leg during the pregnancy (superficial, not deep vein). For our second, we tried for 5 months, experienced a miscarriage, and when we got pregnant again we had problems from the beginning in addition to being medicated for morning sickness again. Turns out, I had placental insufficiency that resulted in my son being growth restricted. He was born healthy, but it was terrifying.
So, we sit here, stuck in this decision like we have been for almost the past year. If we decide to start trying for a third, we would want to begin in early 2023. If we got pregnant quickly, it would mean we'd have a 4.5 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn.
When I talk to friends and family about this they frequently ask if I want a third because I want a girl. The answer is, I'd love a girl. But I'd also love another boy. My heart swells at the thought of having a daughter and my heart swells at the thought of having a trio of boys.
Thoughts? What would you do?
