Should I have a 4th child?

[jonnobody]

My husband (45) and I (40) have three kids ages 10, 6 and 2. IVF was needed for child 1 and 3 and we have left over frozen embryos (up to 3 viable ones, created when I was 28). I love being a mother. It’s the highlight of my life and all I’ve ever really wanted. (I’m also an attorney with a demanding job managing many people and practicing law, but it’s not like I feel as if all I’ve ever wanted is to be an attorney. It’s fine but not like being a mother.)

Time is on my side because I have viable frozen embryos. But I am very conflicted as to whether to have another child. Cons are mostly my health - I’ve had 3 csections, not looking forward to a forth, I’ve suggested surrogacy but not sure we could afford it or my husband would be on board. I take medication for a chronic condition that’s very under control right now and I would have to go off the medication to be pregnant which sucks worse than having a 4th csection. And I’m also concerned about being able to give my 3 children enough attention, particularly as I recently have a more demanding job. Husband also has a demanding job - I’m the primary caretaker.

Pros are I don’t feel done having children. I have embryos that I feel I owe the chance to exist (husband and I don’t agree on what to do with the embryos if we are done - he wants to store them, likely indefinitely, and I would prefer to donate them to an infertile couple.) I love babies and children and can’t picture my life without a young child in it. I also spend a lot of time volunteering with children in Cub Scouts and through running a local chess club. My siblings chose not to have kids so I don’t have any kids in my extended family I can help raise. I spend every free moment with my kids, always put them first, never have a break and I’m really happy to do it. This is what I wanted in life and this is what I got.

Any advice? How do I get my little kid fix once I’m done having babies, either now or after baby #4. What do we do with our embryos? (We are likely to have extras even if we had another child.) Have any of you had as your driving force in life having a family/multiple kids? What if baby fever never goes away for me?

 

[r123]

@jonnobody Even if you love babies and can’t picture your life without a young child, eventually that’s going to happen. Having another baby only delays it for a few years. You get to volunteer with kids already and your life is already full with every free moment going to your kids. The pro left is that you don’t feel done having children- but why is that? If it is because you want another baby? Because you see yourself raising four kids to adulthood? I’d think hard on this before making a decision.

 

[jannsis]

@r123 Agreed. Creating a new life is putting a band-aid on a bigger problem. If your identity is tied to having a small child that will have to change eventually, now or when the next kid grows up.

You say that you've always wanted to be a mother and it's not as fulfilling as your career, which is great. But it also sounds like you don't view mothering older kids the same as babies. Maybe something to explore deeper. Is it because they're less dependant? Do you like being busy? How much individual attention are you able to give the older kids?

 

[calpastor]

@jonnobody Did your OB give you any feedback about the condition of your uterus after the third c-section? All other reasons aside I would be very concerned about a safe delivery with that much scar tissue.

 

[jonnobody]

@calpastor Apparently uterus looks good and it’s not a problem to have a 4th, per OB. Though I completely recognize its major surgery. I have no lasting effects from the prior 3 c-sections except for the scar. My body feels great - I look roughly the same as I did pre child. So part of me does feel like it could be tempting fate. To have no medical issues after 3 c-sections is lucky and something could always happen with a potential 4th one.

 

[calpastor]

@jonnobody That’s great news! But yes it’s a roll of the dice each time. I’ve had 2 c-sections and while I’ve recovered well I’m not sure I could do another recovery and I’m 35. This last one was very difficult.

 

[theclanofharris]

@jonnobody Some things to consider.

1) How are you hoping we respond? Are you are hoping we say "go for it!" or are you hoping we say "no...it sounds like 3 is enough given what you told us." That can be very telling.

2) How does your husband feel?

3) When you picture your life 5 or 10 or even 20 years from now- do you see a 4th child/teenager in it?

 

[calpastor]

@theclanofharris Great tip for number 1!

 

[katrina2017]

@jonnobody This may or may not be true for you, but women I know who intentionally have big families seem to be trying to fill a void inside themselves. The constant busyness of managing a big family and having a baby who is incredibly dependent takes away from feelings of ennui. The “never have a break” and liking it part sounds like something I’d explore in therapy. Why are you not taking time for yourself?

For getting your baby “fix”… I’m sure there are plenty families around you with babies who would jump at the chance of free babysitting. Just start to offer. But honestly your life already sounds super busy so it sounds weird to recommend.

 

[brunilda]

@jonnobody Baby fever is a very real and powerful thing.

Based off the age of your husband alone I say no. I'm close to his age and I couldn't do it again approaching 50. It would make me sad to think I'm almost 70 when my child turns 21.

I would suggest you can give a better (balanced) life to the three lovely children you have than you could four. It's a tough time to be a parent when everyone is time poor and finances are strained.

I don't have a solution to the baby fever I'm afraid, I've never gotten it.

 

[bwagner62]

@jonnobody So just some perspective- My dad was 46 when I was born. It was kinda hard on him to have an infant that late in his life. And it was hard on me having an older dad, he had less energy etc, and coping with him having age related health issues while I was a young person, and ultimately he passed when I was 30. Again, this is just my experience and totally anecdotal, but definitely a factor.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with trying to use another one of your embryos. Just consider do you have the time and energy to split off your 3 kids and into an infant? What would coping with another C Section look like at this stage in life?

 

[syrak]

@jonnobody Also an IVF mom. I really struggle with the decision with what to do with left over embryos. I don’t want to destroy them because I worked so hard to create them. I don’t want to donate them because I don’t want biological children out there that I don’t know. We’re transferring for a 3rd baby next week. I have 7 embryos frozen right now. I feel like I’m going to be in your shoes in a few years. I also have terrible insomnia and having to go off ambien completely in the 3rd trimester almost killed me last time.

 

[only1grace]

@syrak You can always do an open donation. More and more research is coming out in favor of donors knowing their genetic offspring.

For context, I donated eggs ten years ago in an anonymous donation. But with all of the recent studies on mental health of donor-conceived children, the recipient parents recently found me and want to connect. They ended up with two little boys from my eggs. Even more so, their mother feels it’s important for them to know my daughter, their genetic half sister. I couldn’t be more excited. It’s been a very wholesome and well-rounded experience.

 

[jonnobody]

@only1grace I’m going to talk to my husband again about donating the embryos. That’s really what I want to do if we are done. I don’t agree with the idea of storing them forever, I prefer closure. I really think giving someone else the chance to be a parent through our donations would be a wonderful gift and a good thing to do.

 

[restorationfreak]

@jonnobody How do your older children feel about a 4th? Not saying that in itself should be a consideration, but it sounds like a big part of your desire for a 4th is that you want to continue having a baby or small child. I know from experience that if your older children are super aware of this, it may affect them in ways that you aren't realizing - the fear that you'll "age out" of your mother's love and attention is kind of paralyzing. (Please know I am not implying this is the actual case - I am just saying kids internalize a lot of things and don't always process that information in the way we'd think.)

To be clear, I see no reason why you shouldn't have a 4th - your mental health, spouse, financial situation, and (for the most part) physical health seem to support it. You sound like a phenomenal mother and I wish I had some of the certainty you do about motherhood. I would just encourage you to really reflect on why you want a 4th and how that desire may affect the 3 you already have.

 

[lovelycamillia]

@jonnobody My friend was the 4th,

He’s bitter that he had less time with his parents than his siblings did.

 

[kjv4me]

@jonnobody That's tough! I dont have any advice, just wanted to say that I sympathize, I only just had my first but plan to have more because I love babies so much and already have a hard time imagining that one day I won't have a life with babies in it.

 

[born94]

@kjv4me Haha that baby stage ends quickly, just keep in mind they grow into whole humans with lots of unique needs.

 

[jonnobody]

@kjv4me Yes that’s one of my concerns exactly. My whole life I was waiting for the babies to come. Anticipating being a mother kept me going in life when I had major challenges. Then the babies came. But now what if it’s over?

 

[calpastor]

@jonnobody Speaking as someone with a 5 month old, so very freshly with a baby (my second) unfortunately even with a fourth the baby stage just goes so heartbreakingly fast. Don’t have another just for the baby.