Should I financially reward my daughter for behaving in school?

[manifestmktg]

My teenage daughter (14) has recently been getting a few referrals in school -- generally for distracting others, but also for being rude and confrontational with teachers sometimes. I have been up to school to speak to her guidance teacher, and he said that she has never once been on the radar before. I have been a little concerned that she has been slipping into getting a bit of an attitude in general, you know, garden variety teen chav-esque stuff. She is a good kid at heart, though, and it's pretty vanilla stuff.

However, for context, I am a single dad -- her mum walked out nearly 13 years ago when she was a baby, so she has no memory of her. She has recently started therapy - this is a couple of years after we originally pursued it for anxiety issues, the waiting lists are crazy -- but the issue has now come up (unsurprisingly). It's still unclear how deep this will go, and how traumatic it will be (she's only had 2 sessions so far).

So -- I'm concerned about walking the line here; between on the one hand being supportive and allowing her a little slack during an emotional time/journey, and on the other, trying to nip any general behaviour deterioration in the bud. She gets £10 a week pocket money, but I was considering adding £5 every time she completes a week at school without a referral.

Is this appropriate, or is it sending the wrong message? i.e. rewarding what should be essentially considered conducting herself with basic manners? I did also consider deducting money for the opposite; but you can get a referral quite easily -- I feel like I'd rather reward a "clean sheet", so to speak, than punish every slip-up?

 

[elephas]

@manifestmktg We don’t financially reward such behavior bc for us, that’s not the message we want to send. We don’t pay our kids to behave a certain way or to do a certain thing. We don’t want our kids to associate xyz with monetary worth. With that being said, we do go out to celebrate accomplishments! Things like doing particularly well in sports, acing a test they were super nervous for, not forgetting their lunchbox (for our youngest lol), etc. We don’t do it every single time so that their motivation isn’t said reward, and we don’t hold all our kids to the same benchmark so they don’t feel like they’re competing.

Celebrating accomplishments for us includes going out to eat at their favorite place, a surprise present they’ve been talking about, going shopping, self care, basically whatever each kid likes. We also verbally express how we see that they’re working hard at xyz and are proud of their efforts (instead of results).

This is what works for us, but obviously you know your kid the best. Good luck

 

[halceko19]

@manifestmktg Why not? If it works for you then great... if it doesn't then you can stop.

Good luck. I hope it works.

 

[mason55]

@manifestmktg I have a teen who is motivated by very little other than money. So, instead of giving her an allowance, she earns money. She earns $2 for a full day at school and $1 for practicing piano. She earns little bits for chores or for other things. This reward system would never have worked for her sister, but it works for her and if you think you have a child who is especially focused on money, I would give it a try.

 

[xylophoio]

@manifestmktg Science shows this works. If you can afford it - do it.

 

[michiqan]

@manifestmktg No, I wouldn’t. If she has a good week I would just tell her you noticed she did great this week, you are really proud of her. Maybe get an ice cream or small special treat (more of an experience where you can talk and spend time together). Is she has a bad week you need to focus on what causes the behavior each time-not a blanket punishment. Help her recognize what makes her act out and give her tools to do better next time (Why did you talk that way to your teacher? What did they do to make you mad? I understand how you could feel that way. What would be a better way to handle it next time?).

 

[truthsearcher63]

@manifestmktg We give money each school quarter for a good report card. Our kids love it and find it something to strive for. If they don’t make the mark one quarter, it’s no big deal. They try to do better next time. It’s worked for us, and the kids. They do extremely well in school. We firmly believe that an education is invaluable. Something no one can ever take away from you. We wanted to set our kids up with that base. Teaches them about employment as well….a job well done equals monitory gains. Once they graduate, they can do whatever they want. A little money in their pockets for well deserved grades doesn’t hurt anyone. (You just can tell them how to spend it!)

 

[dparise]

@manifestmktg I don’t think you should. Rather and the end of term surprise her with a small gift for doing well, just something small and also verbally tell her that you are proud of her for not getting referrals as it’s making a positive impact on her future. (By being good she’s doing it for her own benefit not yours in the long run)
Or find her love language and feed that.

 

[jiminz]

@manifestmktg This can be a tricky path.

Anecdotal experience: Years ago, I was talking to my kid's therapist about his lack of respecting peoples privacy. Like eavesdropping on private conversations, going through people's stuff (ours, people we'd visit), listening in then gossiping about stuff to other people, etc.

A few weeks later, I was again talking with him how it isn't ok for him to be listening in on conversations I was having with my husband. His response was I was supposed to be rewarding him for not doing it. And since i hadnt bought him anything when he didnt listen to a conversation or go thriugh someone's belongings, he didnt feel motivated to stop. Apparently his therapist had talked to him about it and asked what would help motivate him to stop. Would a sticker chart with rewards help? I was gobsmacked that somehow "respecting privacy" had turned into "I'll do it, but only if you pay me." His therapist, once I talked with her, was similarly gobsmacked and realized the error she'd made and what he'd taken from the conversation.

Now, your kid is different than mine. But for us, monetary/thing rewards wouldn't have tackled the issue. For external motivation, we did verbal praise, acknowledgement. But really, therapy and our conversations worked on empathy and internal motivation. Things that would go further for him.

I'm not saying don't acknowledge the stress she's in, connect with her with special outings, or do other things to address the root issues going on. Those are super important. And if you want to raise her allowance, go for it. I just urge caution with tying money to behaviors.

 

[katrina2017]

@jiminz I would add to this, that as adults this can be super damaging if they had been raised this way, then they hit a rough patch and don’t have as much or any money as a reward coming in, or to buy something for themselves as a reward. Self worth goes down hill quick in that scenario for anyone usually but when your perceived value is tied to getting money it’s easy to see where that leads in tuff times.

 

[evabennet]

@manifestmktg If it is a last resort, yes.

Maybe based on a point system, +1 each day for good behaviour, -1 for bad. Not good, but not too bad, +0. At the end of the week, buy something or cash (less value).

But first, sit at the table and discuss the system, and ask for her input. For example: "is it acceptable to disrupt fellow classmates learning?" Avoid words like bad/ behaviour, any negative words.

Good luck.