should i be offended by this Q from my direct report?

[thfdoc]

need a gut check on how offended i should be.

about two weeks after i announced my first pregnancy at work and even before parental leave backfill interviews happened, one of my direct reports (M) asked me: if one of her peers (J) who also reports to me took the temporary backfill role and reallllllly loved it, could he keep it? she could barely hold together her glee at the idea.

background: J used to be M’s manager and frankly, they get along quite well. however, M didn’t grow/learn under J and i’ve been in this role steadily growing M for 3 years - i’ve gotten that positive feedback specifically and she has gotten huge visibility opps important to her. i also supported M in her first parental leave in 2020 and made sure she got new projects she was excited about and assured her repeatedly when she got back - even though i was also hiring her backfill full time, they would not get her projects, we’d find other things bc there’s plenty of work. i’ve also consistently supported M’s flexibility as a new parent in hybrid work from home - sickness, daycare, etc. she says something’s up, with no hesitation i say go take care of it as long as you need, lmk how i can help with work. i stay out of her way.

i’m pretty offended M would ask me, an expectant mom (and her boss??) if someone else could keep my job and could not hide her excitement at the idea - she made no effort to hide her preference. i was shocked in the moment and brushed it aside saying nah, i’d be back and we moved on. but i feel like i need to address this with M when i get back. she’s gonna want to talk babies and i intend to keep things strictly professional, no family talk from me.

i wanna believe…as a fellow mom myself now, that she was tired and maybe didn’t mean to say this. but she’s also been inconsiderate before (not just with me) and i would hate if she said this to someone else.

what do y’all think? am i overreacting?

 

[katrina2017]

@thfdoc I’d be pretty offended…what a weird question to ask you.

I’d be pretty disinclined to go out of my way to help advance someone like that any longer.

 

[finallyfree77]

@thfdoc Big yikes. At best she sounds extremely clueless and unable to think through the implications of her question. I would ignore it personally and if she brings it up again, be very direct in saying the company does not discriminate against new parents by removing them from their job after parental leave. I would try not to take it extremely personally though. It sounds like J was an easier manager and M may just be lazy.

 

[pupscout]

@finallyfree77 That’s a really great response. Its succinct, direct, and is a subtle clap back - literally the trifecta.

 

[japel]

@thfdoc That sucks, she sounds like someone to keep at an arms length

 

[judicamedeus]

@thfdoc Ugh that would annoy me. Personally I wouldn’t address it directly with her though. Maybe she is ungrateful or totally clueless or potentially feels like you are pushing her to do more rather than being supported or encouraged? Idk.

I think your approach and philosophy of supporting working parents is great. But that doesn’t mean everyone has the capacity to appreciate it even if they benefit from it. I’d keep doing you.

 

[amielynn]

@thfdoc That is strange. I would circle back in your next 1:1 and ask her what she intended with that comment. “I was thinking about our conversation and I’m wondering why you asked about such and such permanently staying in my position?”

 

[discoveringbridget]

@thfdoc Tell her: “No, I have no plans to leave this role. His placement would be temporary, but thank you for letting me know that he’s looking for a more permanent change. I will follow up with him.”

 

[pupscout]

@thfdoc I wouldn’t “address it” as you’re essentially trying to coach a personality flaw. If you have a good relationship and trust her I would share how it made you feel, but addressing it comes across as coaching someone on something which is not clearly a behavior issue. If you don’t have that type of relationship I’m not sure it’s worth revealing that to her, nor bending over backwards to accommodate improving her visibility. I could see something along the lines of asking her if there was something you may have said to allude to not returning to your role to see if she will reveal to you why she thought you might not come back - perhaps it’s something harmless like she wasn’t sure if you would return or maybe she’s heard of another role she assumed you would take (promotion). I understand how you feel though - it is really deflating putting a lot of effort into helping develop someone for that effort to be unseen by them

Edit: clarity

 

[hilbrand]

@thfdoc WTF-- Not just you.
That seems very unprofessional.

I'm trying to think in what circumstances this type of question would ever be okay.

If Jim dog sits for you for a week and really likes your dog, can he keep him?

If Tina borrows your sweater and really likes it, can she keep it?

Like, they haven't announced who is filling in for your leave and she is already replacing you in her mind. Not to mention, she's asking you about a hiring decision that may not be yours to decide either.

She sounds like the kind of kid who always wanted to pick her group when she was in school rather than stick with the people that the teacher assigned.

That said, I might actually try and shift her to a different team because I wouldn't want to work with someone after that. I think it would damage my relationship with her and I would be less likely to be as understanding as you were previously.

It isn't just you..

 

[sahku]

@thfdoc I agree it’s odd and off putting. I think the only way this might not be as bad is if she truly thought you may not return from leave and was excited her friend may have the opportunity.

 

[timrelbook]

@thfdoc Since the backfill hired during her leave stayed on full time, is it possible she thinks yours would also? I’m wondering if maybe she isn’t thinking of it in the terms that the person would replace you, but be hired to stay on the team full time as an addition.

It’s the only rationale I can think of, otherwise it’s such a strange comment.