Second baby?

[outtaluck]

I’m turning 34 and my husband is turning 37. I thought I didn’t want kids due to trauma and I was not ready. I have a 3 month old now and my husband wanted kids. I’m now so in love with my baby and would like a sibling for my child.

Cons - I had about 2 months of mild hyperemis with puking every other day, constant nausea all day and popped blood vessels, bleeding throat etc and severe acid reflux during pregnancy, this was followed by an emergency c section which was extremely traumatic with the recovery in hospital where I hemmoraged and was told any subsequent pregnancy would also have to be c sections going forward. I found not being able to care for my newborn or sit up and relying on others very difficult and have also dealt with some postpartum rage episodes feeling unsupported and exhausted.

We also have no family nearby or any kind of village. My parents are a 3 hour flight and can come down to help and have done so twice now and his are a 3 hour drive but I don’t like them and they are not very helpful.

Neither of us get along with our second sibling in adulthood(we’re both first borns) and the sleep deprivation is definitely testing us along with mostly breastfeeding exclusively which means I’m on call all the time. We also do not want twins and I have twin aunts so it runs in the family.

Pros - sibling for my child, more fun together as a family, not living with regrets

I no longer work and my husband works from home. Finances are not an issue.

Looking for advice, would you try for another at 9 months which is when they gave me the ok after c section. We would need to get on it soon as it took over a year to get pregnant the first time and we almost had to take fertility drugs for unexplained infertility. Husband is leaning toward OAD and I have this desire for another one niggling at me.

 

[magdalenab]

@outtaluck A lot of things can change in a year and a half. I was positive that I wanted two kids but now that my toddler is 20 months, I’m leaning more towards OAD just because of how difficult I find the toddler stage. I didn’t start feeling this way until my little one was about 16 months. It might be overwhelming and stressful to have an 18 month old and a newborn. You don’t have to decide right now! Reevaluate how you feel in six months.

 

[jaxadaisy]

@magdalenab This is exactly how I felt too. I wanted 2 kids. But as soon as my son hit 18 months it was like “wtf happened to my easy baby?” He’s now 3.5 years old and now I could consider another but we are also firmly OAD because of how relentless and time consuming one toddler is.

 

[hirow]

@magdalenab This is so funny because this was my exact thought process. When I was pregnant my husband and I weren’t sure about one or two kids. When my 4 year old was a baby my husband and I were pretty sure we’d have a second, she was a relatively easy baby. When she was 18mo/2 we were hard leaning towards one and done, it is such an exhausting age. BUT like you said a lot can change in 18 months, now she’s 4 and I’m due in August with our second. I’m loving a slightly larger age gap so far. She’s more independent and understanding of the fact that I’m pregnant and tired right now. She’s very very excited for a sibling, and she starts school in the fall so we’ll never have to pay for 2 in daycare. That being said we were very very on the fence for a long time and could have easily made the choice the other way.

 

[jordanbanks]

@hirow Oh wow this is so interesting! Very similar experience. My daughter is 18m and she is SPIRITED lol. I wanted a second so badly from age 6m-16m and more recently it’s been a hard maybe. This got a lot harder.

It’s good to hear that for some parents they just needed a larger age gap. I’d still love a second but might have to wait until she’s 3-4 to try. But I’ll also be 38/39 by then.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

 

[tbvsthienloc2020]

@outtaluck I would just wait six months and see how you feel then. You’re so early on right now.

 

[ministerjay]

@outtaluck Is it guaranteed it would take a long time to get pregnant the second time around? Everything is still so new you need to get used to your new life. I don’t know where you’re located but it’s generally advised to wait 18 months after you give birth before getting pregnant again. You’re still in the thick of it right now and toddlerhood brings along a new set of challenges. Take some time!

 

[alaric]

@outtaluck It is way too early to think about that. You still need to de-pregnatise. NOT just your body but also your mind.

You need to take care of your newborn but also please think about yourself - you are already talking about feeling rage... feeling exhausted. You had a traumatic delivery..

Honestly, you are only 3 months in, are currently taking care of a newborn which doesn't involve actual parenting, but in my opinion has more to do with surviving. See how you feel in AT LEAST another 1.5 years. And deal with that trauma because it might hit you later.

You say you both have no support, but are financially stable. Is there any way where you can hire a nanny? Maybe only for some nights, so you both get a lot of sleep?

I have no experience regarding breastfeeding so maybe others can give you tips on that, but isn't there any way where you can pump, save your milk so you can skip a feed and your husband can take that one?

 

[jordanbanks]

@alaric De-pregnatising your mind is such a real thing. I didn’t get relief from the intense hormones until I was probably closer to 12m pp and that was with weaning from pumping at 3m. Never managed to breastfeed. I’ve hear that with nursing it can extend some of the really intense feelings a bit longer.

Also funny that during ovulation until about 14/15m pp my body would, like clockwork, go “baby time! Let’s make another one!”. Now at 18m pp this is less so. I think our bodies and minds really do take a while to normalize after giving birth.

 

[we124982]

@outtaluck Your baby is only 3 months old, you’re barely out of the newborn trenches. Most doctors recommend at least 18 months in between pregnancies to let your body fully heal. Why the urgency to have a possible second baby so quickly?

You two are relatively young. Could you table the discussion for a year? Others on this thread are saying they were sure they wanted another at this stage and then changed their minds. I was the opposite, sure I was one and done and now trying for a second with a 2 year old. Time really can help with making a better decisions here. You’ll gain a lot of perspective on parenthood over the next year.

 

[angelina185]

@outtaluck Idk why so many doctors are okaying getting pregnant so fast after a pregnancy especially after a c section. The official recommendation is you should wait 18 months after you give birth to try to get pregnant again. I also think some people misinterpreted the recommendation to 18 months between births which would have to get pregnant at 9 months pp, but that’s not correct. If your body had such a hard time in pregnancy I would say at least wait the 18 months. This also gives you a chance to see what a baby and a little bit of toddler is like, a 3 month old is not a good picture of what having a kid is like. Good luck!

 

[recoveringbaptist]

@outtaluck It's too soon to make these kinds of decisions. Like other commenter have said, you have no idea how you'll feel or what will happen 6 months from now. Pump the brakes and enjoy your current baby.

 

[walkbyfaith2000]

@outtaluck Sorry, but it sounds like you have baby fever. I'd say let it rest until the child is at least a year old if not older.

 

[sisi]

@outtaluck

Looking for advice, would you try for another at 9 months which is when they gave me the ok after c section. We would need to get on it soon as it took over a year to get pregnant the first time and we almost had to take fertility drugs for unexplained infertility.

I wouldn't assume this - just because you had unexplained infertility the first time does not mean you will have trouble conceiving again, especially since you did end up conceiving spontaneously. Don't start trying before you actually want to have a baby. The recommendation for optimal outcomes is 18 months from birth to next conception. You have time and I really think newbornhood is not the time to be making this decision.

 

[david321e]

@outtaluck For most of the same reasons as you mentioned I was pretty decided I was OAD for the first two and a half years of my sons life. Things got so much easier when my son neared 3, and he will be 3and a half when his brother is born, so in about a month and a half.

My point is that thinking about having more kids in the first year of your firstborns life is extremely challenging and stressful unless you are absolutely sure you want multiples. I would just get through this year and take any unnecessary pressure off yourself, and wait until you get used to your changed family status.

Im 35 by the way, so if you’re worried about age, don’t. You’re still young.