Reunification: Incarceration, Addiction, Mental Illness

T

thaniya

New member
So, biodad and I have one son who’s 6. He was around for about 6 months after birth but then went into a drug and psychosis spiral. Our son hasn’t physically seen him since he was 1 and hasn’t had a video/phone call in over a year. He’s been in and out of prison several times over the last 5 years and struggled with drugs and mental illness so contact has been sporadic. He has a history with the law and has had undiagnosed mental illness(es) since childhood. He’s now in his mid 40s. We live in separate states. We only communicate in writing (text or email).

He recently shared that he’s been diagnosed with a mood disorder and psychosis disorder. I know he gets a shot once a month (for the last two months) for his illnesses and he sees a psychiatrist. He’s been working on his mental health for about 3 or 4 months since being released from prison this last time.

He’s asked previously to talk to our son; however, I’ve been reluctant because he hasn’t shown stability in maintaining that relationship as evidenced by irregular contact while in and out of prison). I found some resources online about developing a reunification plan that identifies requirements for maintaining contact (sobriety, staying on medication, sticking to a contact schedule, etc).

I initially asked him to take a drug test before we would establish audio or video contact but he’s indicated that is too traumatic at this point. I asked him if he’d used any illegal substances in the last 90 days and he ignored my question. I also suggested this might not be the right time to try this if he doesn’t have his mental health issues straightened out and I suggested he talk about it with his psychiatrist.

My question is related to drug use. I’ve read on several attorney sites that active addition can’t keep you from having contact with your child. Obviously, I understand this is different than physically being with the child unsupervised or taking care of the child. I’m wondering if I’m being too restrictive requiring a drug test before he talks to him on the phone or through video? My intent is not to be at all, but I want to also make sure I’m keeping my son safe and that includes trying to protect him from getting hurt unnecessarily. The court order gives me sole decision making authority when it comes to visitation so I’m at a loss. Both happy that I have that flexibility and frustrated that I’m not sure how to do this in the best way.

Thoughts?
 
@thaniya I don’t think any reasonable person would consider requiring a clean drug test to be too restrictive. I would consider it the bare minimum. If it were me, I’d want drug tests, I’d want to know for sure he’s taking his medications and I’d want some sort of proof he’s continuing to see his doctor.

I personally wouldn’t consider his mental health stable at this point. I sincerely hope he is, but my experience as a grandparent helping to raise the child of a mentally ill person (schizoaffective disorder bipolar type) says it’s too soon to trust that it is.
 
@roehclay Thank you. I appreciate this comment. Bipolar and Schizophrenia are on the list. He shared a screen shot of his monthly injection and it’s for Schizophrenia but can be used for Bipolar also. His mom let me know he’s in a severe depressive state at the moment, so I would agree (he currently lives with her). I don’t think his body and mind have had enough time on the medication and therapy to be stable.
 
@thaniya These are very difficult illnesses to treat. I hope for your child’s sake that his father can be helped. It’s been over 2 years here and my grandchild’s parent is still not what I’d consider stable. We don’t see them regularly or often so it’s hard to know what’s really happening, but their lack of involvement seems telling. They have supervised visitation and could see the child weekly, but they’ve only used about 4 hours of that visitation in the past year.
 
@thaniya His avoidance and refusal of your very reasonable and responsible and respectful requests tell you all you need to know. He is not ready.

When he is ready to do as you ask, that’s the time to consider a reunification plan - prior to that - you’ll be setting your son up to be let down again.
 
@danields Thank you for the support. He has a way of playing the victim. I used to be close with him mom but have been forced to distance myself because sometimes I think he’s playing her and she in turn tries to downplay what’s happening (without malicious intent). She sees her son hurting and loves her grandchild so I think she’s trying to help.

But you are right. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
 
@thaniya All this helps paint a picture of suffering and you have a big heart and care about his wellbeing. BUT - that’s where it ENDS until he does what’s REQUIRED on his end. You are not responsible for his recovery, you are not responsible for putting his wants ahead of your son’s needs. You are not responsible for helping his mother feel better at expense of yourself and your son. You seems like you get this - so good for you! Looks like the court got it right for once- giving you sole decision making authority- keep it and use it.
 
@thaniya If you have sole decision making power, don't question your gut. Lawyers will have your back. Dad's feelings are not a part of the equation when kids safety and balanced development are in question. Tell him the boundary is he provides the things youve asked and then he gets time. If he doesn't, he doesn't get it. Simple as that. You're covered.
 
@thaniya Would he consider writing letters or making videos to send? If he could do that consistently for a little while (say once a month) it then might provide some evidence of consistency without risk to your son's wellbeing? It might be something to try even in the days after his monthly shot, if that's when he's at his best?

I 100% get you wanting to protect your kid, but if his dad is on a bad path, they might be things that your son might want or appreciate down the track. His dad might never be well or consistently sober. Anything you can keep for your son could end up being all that he has of his dad.
 
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