privacy for teenagers (15 y/o)

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annum

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okay, so im 15, and ik its probably odd for a teenager to be posting here but i need to know about something regarding your child's privacy. so a long time ago i got the lock on my door taken away. it was understandable; i'd been spending too much time upstairs in my room with my phone. but that was a long time ago, when quarantine had first started. so i've asked multiple times for my door lock back (i've asked nicely) and my mom and dad have always said no. if i want to close my door for privacy i have to push a stool up to it to close the door in the doorframe. if the stool isnt pushed up against the door then the door is always open. my mom usually knocks, but doesnt wait for a response and just comes in as she pleases - which kinda defeats the purpose of knocking. my dad does the same thing, except he doesnt bother knocking and just pushes open the door (btw, my stool is a swivel stool so it kinda just gets pushed to the side when u push open the door). so here's the thing : i like closing my door. i dont know why. i just feel like i have more privacy. i feel comfortable and safe. but for some reason my parents hardly ever let me close my bedroom door. just now, actually, i had it closed and my mom came up here and said "your dad isnt home (his office is right across from my bedroom; btw my bedroom is upstairs), im downstairs on the phone (shes talking to someone idk), and no one is coming in here and bothering you. the door can stay open." she said that after she pushed it open without asking. which, btw, may i add that it was already open? there was a medium sized crack in the door so it would count as being open but apparently that wasnt good enough, because my mom came upstairs and pushed it all the way open. also! my bathroom doesnt have a lock either. if i want it to shut it i have to open one of my cabinet drawers to block the door from being pushed open. i have literally no privacy. also, my dad recently forced me to let him look through my laptop (at literally everything) and he also looked through my twitter dms (i have twitter connected to my laptop) and looked through my conversation with my partner (they're non binary) and thats how he found out we were dating. he also got mad at me for swearing in the dms. is this right?? sometimes i'll have breakdowns because i feel like i can never get a break and i feel like i have zero privacy. i can never talk to them about it calmly either because my parents will just both get pissed and start yelling at me. is this okay?? i deserve privacy, right??

edit : about an hour ago my mom made me take the password off of my phone and leave it on the counter downstairs - i didnt want to but she said "i won't do anything!" defensively when i told her i didnt want her to look through my phone - while i went up to my room to do hw on my laptop. i just want back downstairs real quick for a snack and found out that my mom had been looking through my phone at everything. i put my password back on it; i'll probably get in trouble for it later but im just upset and pissed rn.
 
@annum Maybe you could try to address this with your parents when you are all calm and getting along. Your parents may not understand how intrusive it is when they come in without asking, or how you feel not having a lock on your bathroom. I think you deserve privacy. But your parents also have to balance that and your growing independence with their wish to keep you safe and make sure you are not getting into trouble online, etc.

If you have an open conversation with them, they may be able to work with you so that you are both happy. Maybe ask them if there is a specific reason they don’t like you having your door closed. And make sure you are building their trust by being honest and doing what you are saying you are, following rules, etc. personally I hate it when people barge into my room even if I’m just watching TV. By talking to them calmly, they may be able to see your perspective more easily. Good luck!
 
@annum Aw it sounds like they are hard to live with. Unfortunately I think some parents feel the need to stay in their kids business as a way of preventing any harm/ making sure you don’t make bad decisions/ not trusting you because of some past occurrence. Have you been dishonest about something with them? Do you have new friends that they may feel are a bad influence?
I have 3 teens. I’m fine with closed door but not when gf/bf are over. I don’t ask for passwords or read messages unless I have good reason to. Had a 16yo smoking pot/ hanging w new friends and a 13yo whose friend attempted suicide. Under those circumstances I needed visibility.
As long as you’re doing your best in school and staying out of trouble if you were in my house you’d have more privacy. I can’t protect my kids from everything and they’re going to make bad decisions. It’s OK and that is how learning happens.
Maybe you could just straight up ask them what they are so suspicious about? You can also talk to a counselor at school if they’re causing you to be mentally unwell. I hope things can change for you.
 
@annum Hey kiddo. Sorry you are having a rough time. Privacy is a normal need, especially for your age. So what you are feeling is very normal. Parents are constantly warned about the dangers of the Internet and advised to regularly search phones, laptops and other devices, to ensure their children are safe, by many experts. They also recommend no devices in the bedroom. Your parents are trying to do the right thing. I have no magic solution. I can only suggest that you remember your parents will be searching your devices and post accordingly. You only have 3 more years until adulthood and being careful on the Internet is a good skill. Privacy in the bathroom and your bedroom, especially when you are dressing is another matter. You could try a sign on your door saying, "please knock and Wait for an answer. I may be getting dressed. Thank you for your understanding," or something to that effect. May also help to ask to see a psychologist /therapist. Often they are able to present your views to your parents and help them to understand and work out a solution you can all live with. Good luck. I hope things improve.
 
@annum Every household is different and I have yet to find a parenting manual with all of the rules written out. Your parents may be making rules based on what they grew up with, what they are comfortable with and/or the way you have acted. I will say that my son is 15 and has never had a lock on his door. I also never had a lock on my door growing up. I try respect his privacy by allowing him to close the door and I knock before entering but I would be really pissed if he jammed something against the door so I couldn't enter. It's a safety thing and a respect for my rules thing. At this point my son has a passcode on his phone but our agreement is that I know what the passcode is.

You need to have a conversation with your parents and maybe ask for things in baby steps. Maybe start by asking to put a passcode on your phone and share it with them. And ask them to only look if they are concerned for your well being. Or ask them to knock before entering and wait for your ok. But you have to show them that you respect them too by answering their knock.

I don't know your parents or your situation but I am going to assume that your parents want the best for you and are trying to make sure you are safe. Try to have discussions with your parents but in the end understand that is their house and you are a minor and they are entitled to make rules. If they are like most parents you will probably get more freedom if you show them that you are able to follow their rules.

Hopefully you can come to an understanding.
 
@annum as a parent of a teen and preteen I’ve never cared about swearing.. unless it’s around the easily triggered...and in that case I just say to avoid it to keep drama low and fun high. Between friends that can handle it and even myself, I don’t care. But that’s me. I find I’m a bit rare. Privacy is nice to have, I wish I had a room to go to to just be in my own world. My husband and i took the living room as our place to sleep so both kids could have their own space. I had a big family and never had my own room until I moved out. I, personally, feel you should not have to feel watched so heavily. Your parents probably don’t realize how their keeping your room open feels safe/secure for them but invasive for you. Ask them if they could try to foster a respectful relationship with you. Parents love their children despite how the children perceive their parents..for the majority. A lot of unspoken thoughts end up festering out of control if not spoken up about. If you are afraid confrontation then maybe write a letter and ask that they write you back. over time this way may help you both speak about your fears and concerns and you’ll both get time to think things over as the long conversation goes on. you can provide bullet points or, my favorite, the benefits list vs the negative list. If they are afraid of the kind of person you are dating it could be a different reason than you may think. My biggest fear is my child being exploited by a fake friend or crappy/pervy boyfriend. What helps ease a parents fears is knowing the people you surround yourself with. Let them see all the things about your people that are good to help comfort them. Hiding things only scares the other even more....in ANY relationship, right?
 
@annum I have an 11 year old and a 14 year old and I believe as long as they are being safe and engage the family throughout the day they have the right to their own privacy. It works for us
 
@annum Tell them you want to have a family meeting with both of them about privacy. Give them a couple days notice before you have the discussion.

The purpose of the meeting is for you to ask them questions...in fact ask them so many that hopefully they will start to see why some privacy is important to teens.

Try to write 10 or more questions on a piece of paper (not ur phone since they will see it) asking them stuff like
-what are you protecting me from by not allowing me some privacy?
-are you concerned I'm doing illegal activitioes?
-what do I need to do or how can I show you I am trustworthy?
-when you were teens did u do bad stuff in private and you are scared I will do the same?

Eyc...

The point of all the questions is for them to start thinking about why they are doing this. You are obviously mature enough to seek out advise so u could use that by asking them. With your CALM TONE ask the questions and hopefully they will come back in a week or two offering more privacy.

Best wishes! being a teen is a challenging and exciting time in ones life. Parenting a teen is frightening and terrifying. Just stay calm and patient.
 
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