Overprotective mom?

[wiz777]

Am I wrong for not wanting my children to engage with their father and his on and off gf of only a year? I have hard time even allowing my kids to see their father. He helps zero with them financially and I found out a month ago (last time she saw her dad) that he and his dysfunctional gf gave my 17 year old pot. I knew my daughter used marijuana, but it seems so weird that 40 year olds, one of which is her father, whom I was with from age 15-35, encourages this behavior. My daughter has had many rough patches. Her father will never know of what she has dealt with because she doesn’t look at him like a “dad”, and she doesn’t trust him with her real life info. He is a man child. Plain and simple. And I found out that he and his on again off again, codependent, gf, whom he takes full advantage of because her father has money, Went to dinner with my kids. I wa aware of it the night it occurred, and addressed it immediately but have been made aware of yet another break up and I’m over all of this drama being put upon my son. My son is almost 19 and he has always attempted to maintain some sort of a relationship with his father. I pick my battles and I have grown very strong and stay out of my exes drama. However, my kids and I are very close and they tell me a lot. My daughter told me that both her dad and his gf gave her a marijuana cartridge. This wasn’t the first time my ex did this. The gf has a medical card and is very mentally ill. My kids know that their father will never be a true parent again. And they tell me that the gf is nice but very odd and comes across as quite ill and weak, low self esteem and codependent. I do not press for info anymore. They come to me. But I know that I am not comfortable with this situation. And I was told that the gf and my ex once again had a dysfunctional event occur. I can’t even keep track of how many there have been in just a years time. I do not want my kids around this. They know how messed up their “dad” and this “woman” is. She doesn’t matter to them, but he is their father, so I’m not sure as how to properly guide them through this mess. If I could wave a wand I would want their dad to disappear but that’s not what my son wants and that just isn’t reality. My daughter dealt with some huge personal issues over the summer, due to what her father did 5 years ago. She faced them head on and I cannot express how proud I am of her inner strength. My daughter and her security and trust in me is all that I care about. I have managed to raise one strong young woman and I strive to continue to be the best I can be for her. I have a wonderful man in my life, but I make it clear that my kids are the only ones I “need” in this life. They r my everything, always have been and always will be. I won’t see my daughter hurt like her dad made her ever again. But I walk a fine line. He will hurt them and let them down yet again. I guarantee it. It’s not a matter of IF, it’s a matter of WHEN. And I just want to keep them safe and happy. What do I do??!!

 

[laurapalooza]

@wiz777

Am I wrong for not wanting my children to engage with their father and his on and off gf of only a year?

I'll break that into two questions.

Am I wrong for not wanting my children to engage with their father?

If the father has visitation or custody, then that's that. If you feel you have a legal case to make, talk to him about it and/or challenge him in court. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what your feelings are about the situation, except that upset feelings can contribute to a toxic relationship with your children and/or your ex.

Am I wrong for not wanting my children to engage with their father's gf of only a year?

What time period would make you comfortable with your children being around their father's girlfriend?

What do I do??!!

I think you probably do nothing. One of your kids is an adult, and your other child is almost an adult. As you described, they both seem capable of making their own decisions.

 

[wiz777]

@laurapalooza So we have had quite a rocky past. I am have full custody and an active restraining order against my ex. But he was a wonderful father prior to drugs taking over his life. I cannot allow my feelings interfere with my children wanting some sort of normalcy with him. Every part of me wants to keep them away from him but they r almost 19 and 17. And as for the gf...she is not a strong woman. She has an 11 or 12 year old and puts her child below a man. And my ex cheats on her and lies to her constantly. I feel as if my kids need to repair the relationship with their father before dealing with an outside source. I am very careful who I bring into my children’s lives. And I expect any respectable parent to do the same. I think I am just having a hard time watching this because I know it’s not for the best.

 

[laurapalooza]

@wiz777 Then I am confused. You have your 17-year-old seeing her father when you have full custody and a restraining order against him? That's a recipe for the father having the restraining order voided because you're demonstrating you don't consider him a threat.

 

[wiz777]

@laurapalooza I consider him a threat against ME. He served three years for domestic violence. My daughter was on the OOP but asked to be removed once she started seeing him. He and I cannot be cordial. That ship has sailed. I am trying to please everyone and do the right thing. and me fighting my kids for years wasn’t working. They need to come to the conclusion about their father on their own but I am having a Difficult time with that.

 

[wiz777]

@laurapalooza And frankly, this has nothing to do with my restraining order. I don’t see him. Never ever would. My children are young adults and r at that age where I teeter on wanting to protect them and knowing I have to let them make mistakes. I hope that makes sense. I wrestled with how to post this becAuse I knew judgement is kinda the way of reddit. But it is what it is. I was hoping for understanding and judgement free advice. Every story is unique and u don’t know me from God, but I can tell ur mind isn’t open to my situation. I thank u for ur time, however.