Hi folks,
This is an unofficial follow-up post to one I made months ago shortly after finding out we were pregnant. Though I'm otherwise a lurker here, this sub has been a great resource throughout the process so I wanted to offer our story and my thoughts from the other side now that the baby is here.
As you can see from my old post, our pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise. Though we agreed we wanted kids, we hadn't exactly sat down and said 'let's do this.' So when that second line showed up on the test, we were more than a bit anxious and apprehensive about what we were getting into. I got some positive feedback from users here but it's nevertheless been a source of anxiety more than happiness. Regardless, there weren't no goin back so we were off!
The next few months of pregnancy were difficult as to be expected, but we were extremely fortunate in that everything went almost completely by the book health-wise. Baby looked good and healthy and mom was doing well. At home, we packed up and moved to a bigger place and got settled with our influx of new baby gear as best we could, having no real idea what we'd need or not. Despite the headache and challenges of moving and settling during second trimester, third trimester was definitely the hardest time. My wife was huge and had a hard time moving and it was hot and sticky outside, with emotional breakdowns not being uncommon. I did my best to be supportive in whatever ways I could, but ultimately I can't carry the baby for her so that was tough. Setting up medical leaves (we're in the US) and looking for daycare was also a huge pain in the ass. I'd advise that you get on that early as it can take longer than it should.
Heading into the ~35 week point, she started developing an itchy rash on her belly and feet which made things further uncomfortable. Finally the week of her due date, she went to her OB for a blood test, as they were becoming concerned that cholestasis was causing the rash. At around 6pm on August 19th, we got a call from her OB. They wouldnt have the test results back until next week, but given her symptoms and that she was at full term, it wasnt worth the risk potential cholestasis posed to the baby to keep her pregnant. They wanted to induce and so it was on! The following is the timeline of events as best as I was able to record it:
8/19/21
6-8pm: A bit of a frantic packing session. We had our hospital bag ready, but were expecting a few hours of downtime when labor started so there was a bunch of things to take care of and gather. I have no advice for others on this, be as prepared as you can, but ultimately it may still be a bit of a scramble.
8:30pm: Arrival and checkin at hospital, Dr. examines her and informs us that my wife's cervix is 'very nice' and ready for labor! Yay! More exams to check the baby on ultrasound (positions good).
10:40pm: Wife receives first dose of misoprostol, and an ambien so she can hopefully get some sleep. We actually decided it was best for me to go home for the night and watch the dog, and pack a few more things to bring in the morning, nothing was expected to happen that night.
8/20/21
12pm: I went back to the hospital after wrapping up some things with work feeling nicely rested and ready to go. Wife was feeling nothing in particular, just boredom. I got back to the room around noon and settled in for what we assumed would be a long few days. Everything we'd heard about induction led to the belief that things would be slow going.
7:00pm: Received her final dose of misoprostol (6/6 doses). Still not much happening. I'm considering going home again for the night, I tell our doula that she can go and get some sleep as we probably wont need her until tomorrow. The doctor is nevertheless satisfied and doesnt feel we need pitocin or balloon to keep things moving. About 1-1.5 cm dilated.
8:00pm: She has pain in one spot on the right side of her belly
9:00pm: She experiences some 'leakage' when using the restroom. Nurse tests pH and believes the alkalinity means that it is amniotic fluid. Is this broken water?
10:30pm: She took a shower and while drying off, suddenly fluid is leaking down her leg! A trip to the restroom confirms that her water has DEFINITELY broken this time. Still nothing to speak of in terms of contractions though, just a bit of tightness.
8/21/21
11pm-1am: After her water broke, things went from 0-100 really quick. She started feeling some minor tightness to some REAL painful contractions. My notes get fuzzy at this point due to fatigue and the speed of events. Her contractions start getting real bad though. Since we arent sure how long it's going to be, she started getting very upset and scared, and wanted to get an epidural going. At some point we check and she's 5cm dilated, cool, half way there, but also damn, she's in pain and wanted the epidural. I kind of freaked at this point because this was NOT our plan, we'd wanted to start with some more minor pain interventions (NO2, or narcotic) before going to that, but I couldn't exactly talk her out of it. I regretted not bringing our doula in and started frantically texting her to come asap (she was 1h away), so she could help back me up and advocate, but my wife was sure she wanted the epidural, so here we go with that!
2am: Prepping for the epidural, I really lost it here when they asked me to leave the room (I assume for sterility). By now she was in a lot of pain and I hated to leave her side and felt really out of control. A very kind nurse saw me sobbing and helped calm me down, assuring that it was a normal reaction and that she was in good hands. Key to keeping it together throughout was the assurance that everything was normal.
2:55am: Our doula arrived and the epidural was in place. My wife was able to calm down and get more comfortable. We tried to settle in and get some sleep (lol).
5am: My wife is really feeling like she wants to push. We'd heard at our birthing class that you might have a period where you really wanted to push, but shouldn't so we assumed this was it. She tries to ignore the urge.
5:45: Time to push! What? Really? So fast? Our nurse felt around and sorta shrugged and said that the baby was in position, so if she felt the need to push, she could start getting ready to do so...ok then!
6:30: she's been pushing for about 45min now. The baby is moving. She's working really hard but doing great. Doula gave me the job of supporting her back every time she goes to push which was fantastic. Kept me engaged and not just wringing my hands while wife and the pros did their jobs. I had also pictured this period as the woman hooked up to tubes and strapped into stirrups, but at this hospital at least, it was very minimal. She held her own legs back (with support from nurses/doula) and generally just went for it there on the bed. I expected more machinery and tech idk? Baby's coming though! Around this time, the nurse actually encouraged her to stop pushing so the doctor could be summoned for delivery.
6:58: DELIVERY! After another half hour of pushing with the doctors gentle encouragement to go slow to help avoid tearing, our sweet baby boy made his appearance. Side note: I couldn't believe how much force the doc used getting him out. She'd grab his head and pull and twist to get the shoulders around, I couldn't believe how rough she was, but damn if she didn't get him out safe and sound and I was very relieved when I heard his cry!
As soon as he was out and placed on her chest, her attitude changed like a light. All the pain and strain gone and just settled hormone induced peace and love. Her eyes had stayed closed the whole time so I don't think she even saw him, just the feeling was enough (despite him being covered in blood, shit and slime, lol). It was an amazing sight. I had been crying since about 5am without realizing. At this point it was just stand back and let the nurses work while we sobbed and cooed at our new person. They measured and weighed/cleaned him, stitched up my wife and all that. It's all a blur. All in all, the discharge papers say she was in labor for ~7 hours, pushing for ~1.5 hours. Not bad kid, not bad. I recognize we may have been very lucky here, but everyones experience is different and this was ours.
Important to mention: about 4 hours after delivery I had a headache come on that developed into the worst migraine I've ever experienced. I was uncontrollably vomiting it was so bad, and I ended up having to leave the hospital and be rescued by my in-laws, who took me home to rest (probably should have been admitted to the ER, but figured it was just a reaction to lack of sleep/emotion...etc and didnt need medical intervention). I felt AWFUL to be leaving my wife and new baby behind like that, but I really couldn't have been any help and didnt want to take attention away from them. I found out later that husbands having some sort of illness or breakdown following the birth experience is not uncommon (all those emotions and lack of sleep...yeah). It probably won't happen to you, but if it does, just remember that you can't help wife and baby if you're not well yourself. It sucks, but just focus on getting well and getting back to it as soon as you're able.
So thats that! I want to end with emphasizing that all of my anxiety about this whole thing (see previous post) was silly, well, not silly, but misplaced perhaps. My son is absolutely precious and I'm tearing up just writing that. It's not a question of 'will I love my child?' You will. It's biology at it's most basic. I cannot describe how wonderful the feeling of seeing and holding him is. My system has been flooded with oxytocin for a week and I've never felt happier in my life, or more in love with my badass wife. He doesn't even do anything but eat, poop, and sleep and it doesn't matter at all. He's been in my life for a week now and I can't imagine it without him. If you're like me 6months ago and wondering if you can do it, if you'll like it, if it's all a mistake; it's not. You'll do fine. The fact that you have doubts and anxiety about whether you can do it or if you're going to be a good parent means that YES, you will be a good parent! It's your mind's way of caring about someone you can't yet conceptualize or care for directly. It's going to be amazing as well as challenging, but you've got this.
If anyone has questions, please feel free to DM me. To all you dads-to-be out there, all the best from the other side!
This is an unofficial follow-up post to one I made months ago shortly after finding out we were pregnant. Though I'm otherwise a lurker here, this sub has been a great resource throughout the process so I wanted to offer our story and my thoughts from the other side now that the baby is here.
As you can see from my old post, our pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise. Though we agreed we wanted kids, we hadn't exactly sat down and said 'let's do this.' So when that second line showed up on the test, we were more than a bit anxious and apprehensive about what we were getting into. I got some positive feedback from users here but it's nevertheless been a source of anxiety more than happiness. Regardless, there weren't no goin back so we were off!
The next few months of pregnancy were difficult as to be expected, but we were extremely fortunate in that everything went almost completely by the book health-wise. Baby looked good and healthy and mom was doing well. At home, we packed up and moved to a bigger place and got settled with our influx of new baby gear as best we could, having no real idea what we'd need or not. Despite the headache and challenges of moving and settling during second trimester, third trimester was definitely the hardest time. My wife was huge and had a hard time moving and it was hot and sticky outside, with emotional breakdowns not being uncommon. I did my best to be supportive in whatever ways I could, but ultimately I can't carry the baby for her so that was tough. Setting up medical leaves (we're in the US) and looking for daycare was also a huge pain in the ass. I'd advise that you get on that early as it can take longer than it should.
Heading into the ~35 week point, she started developing an itchy rash on her belly and feet which made things further uncomfortable. Finally the week of her due date, she went to her OB for a blood test, as they were becoming concerned that cholestasis was causing the rash. At around 6pm on August 19th, we got a call from her OB. They wouldnt have the test results back until next week, but given her symptoms and that she was at full term, it wasnt worth the risk potential cholestasis posed to the baby to keep her pregnant. They wanted to induce and so it was on! The following is the timeline of events as best as I was able to record it:
8/19/21
6-8pm: A bit of a frantic packing session. We had our hospital bag ready, but were expecting a few hours of downtime when labor started so there was a bunch of things to take care of and gather. I have no advice for others on this, be as prepared as you can, but ultimately it may still be a bit of a scramble.
8:30pm: Arrival and checkin at hospital, Dr. examines her and informs us that my wife's cervix is 'very nice' and ready for labor! Yay! More exams to check the baby on ultrasound (positions good).
10:40pm: Wife receives first dose of misoprostol, and an ambien so she can hopefully get some sleep. We actually decided it was best for me to go home for the night and watch the dog, and pack a few more things to bring in the morning, nothing was expected to happen that night.
8/20/21
12pm: I went back to the hospital after wrapping up some things with work feeling nicely rested and ready to go. Wife was feeling nothing in particular, just boredom. I got back to the room around noon and settled in for what we assumed would be a long few days. Everything we'd heard about induction led to the belief that things would be slow going.
7:00pm: Received her final dose of misoprostol (6/6 doses). Still not much happening. I'm considering going home again for the night, I tell our doula that she can go and get some sleep as we probably wont need her until tomorrow. The doctor is nevertheless satisfied and doesnt feel we need pitocin or balloon to keep things moving. About 1-1.5 cm dilated.
8:00pm: She has pain in one spot on the right side of her belly
9:00pm: She experiences some 'leakage' when using the restroom. Nurse tests pH and believes the alkalinity means that it is amniotic fluid. Is this broken water?
10:30pm: She took a shower and while drying off, suddenly fluid is leaking down her leg! A trip to the restroom confirms that her water has DEFINITELY broken this time. Still nothing to speak of in terms of contractions though, just a bit of tightness.
8/21/21
11pm-1am: After her water broke, things went from 0-100 really quick. She started feeling some minor tightness to some REAL painful contractions. My notes get fuzzy at this point due to fatigue and the speed of events. Her contractions start getting real bad though. Since we arent sure how long it's going to be, she started getting very upset and scared, and wanted to get an epidural going. At some point we check and she's 5cm dilated, cool, half way there, but also damn, she's in pain and wanted the epidural. I kind of freaked at this point because this was NOT our plan, we'd wanted to start with some more minor pain interventions (NO2, or narcotic) before going to that, but I couldn't exactly talk her out of it. I regretted not bringing our doula in and started frantically texting her to come asap (she was 1h away), so she could help back me up and advocate, but my wife was sure she wanted the epidural, so here we go with that!
2am: Prepping for the epidural, I really lost it here when they asked me to leave the room (I assume for sterility). By now she was in a lot of pain and I hated to leave her side and felt really out of control. A very kind nurse saw me sobbing and helped calm me down, assuring that it was a normal reaction and that she was in good hands. Key to keeping it together throughout was the assurance that everything was normal.
2:55am: Our doula arrived and the epidural was in place. My wife was able to calm down and get more comfortable. We tried to settle in and get some sleep (lol).
5am: My wife is really feeling like she wants to push. We'd heard at our birthing class that you might have a period where you really wanted to push, but shouldn't so we assumed this was it. She tries to ignore the urge.
5:45: Time to push! What? Really? So fast? Our nurse felt around and sorta shrugged and said that the baby was in position, so if she felt the need to push, she could start getting ready to do so...ok then!
6:30: she's been pushing for about 45min now. The baby is moving. She's working really hard but doing great. Doula gave me the job of supporting her back every time she goes to push which was fantastic. Kept me engaged and not just wringing my hands while wife and the pros did their jobs. I had also pictured this period as the woman hooked up to tubes and strapped into stirrups, but at this hospital at least, it was very minimal. She held her own legs back (with support from nurses/doula) and generally just went for it there on the bed. I expected more machinery and tech idk? Baby's coming though! Around this time, the nurse actually encouraged her to stop pushing so the doctor could be summoned for delivery.
6:58: DELIVERY! After another half hour of pushing with the doctors gentle encouragement to go slow to help avoid tearing, our sweet baby boy made his appearance. Side note: I couldn't believe how much force the doc used getting him out. She'd grab his head and pull and twist to get the shoulders around, I couldn't believe how rough she was, but damn if she didn't get him out safe and sound and I was very relieved when I heard his cry!
As soon as he was out and placed on her chest, her attitude changed like a light. All the pain and strain gone and just settled hormone induced peace and love. Her eyes had stayed closed the whole time so I don't think she even saw him, just the feeling was enough (despite him being covered in blood, shit and slime, lol). It was an amazing sight. I had been crying since about 5am without realizing. At this point it was just stand back and let the nurses work while we sobbed and cooed at our new person. They measured and weighed/cleaned him, stitched up my wife and all that. It's all a blur. All in all, the discharge papers say she was in labor for ~7 hours, pushing for ~1.5 hours. Not bad kid, not bad. I recognize we may have been very lucky here, but everyones experience is different and this was ours.
Important to mention: about 4 hours after delivery I had a headache come on that developed into the worst migraine I've ever experienced. I was uncontrollably vomiting it was so bad, and I ended up having to leave the hospital and be rescued by my in-laws, who took me home to rest (probably should have been admitted to the ER, but figured it was just a reaction to lack of sleep/emotion...etc and didnt need medical intervention). I felt AWFUL to be leaving my wife and new baby behind like that, but I really couldn't have been any help and didnt want to take attention away from them. I found out later that husbands having some sort of illness or breakdown following the birth experience is not uncommon (all those emotions and lack of sleep...yeah). It probably won't happen to you, but if it does, just remember that you can't help wife and baby if you're not well yourself. It sucks, but just focus on getting well and getting back to it as soon as you're able.
So thats that! I want to end with emphasizing that all of my anxiety about this whole thing (see previous post) was silly, well, not silly, but misplaced perhaps. My son is absolutely precious and I'm tearing up just writing that. It's not a question of 'will I love my child?' You will. It's biology at it's most basic. I cannot describe how wonderful the feeling of seeing and holding him is. My system has been flooded with oxytocin for a week and I've never felt happier in my life, or more in love with my badass wife. He doesn't even do anything but eat, poop, and sleep and it doesn't matter at all. He's been in my life for a week now and I can't imagine it without him. If you're like me 6months ago and wondering if you can do it, if you'll like it, if it's all a mistake; it's not. You'll do fine. The fact that you have doubts and anxiety about whether you can do it or if you're going to be a good parent means that YES, you will be a good parent! It's your mind's way of caring about someone you can't yet conceptualize or care for directly. It's going to be amazing as well as challenging, but you've got this.
If anyone has questions, please feel free to DM me. To all you dads-to-be out there, all the best from the other side!