New job mom guilt

[algie]

I have a 14 month old daughter and work in healthcare. I am the primary financial earner in my household by a large margin. My husband and I are currently both working M-F office hours and our daughter is in full time daycare. I had always done shift work before this, but when we relocated and I needed a new job I took a clinic role to try it out. It’s been 2+ years and I can safely say I hate it. I’m not into the job at all, don’t like taking care of chronic issues for patients (I had always done inpatient stuff before) and M-F is EXHAUSTING. My PTO policy sucks. My husband and I work like dogs all week, take care of the baby at night and then flop on the couch like zombies at 730. Weekends are almost worse, because I have to run around and do all the cleaning and errands I didn’t have time to do during the week.

I really want to go back to shift work. I interviewed for a new position that is $25k more per year than what I am making now, which would be A M A Z I N G for us because money is such a struggle right now. It’s one less day/week, but longer shifts (10 hours), and 7AM-7PM shifts on the weekends (about one weekend/month). It would give me a day off during the week to take care of the house and errands and appointments so we don’t have to worry about them on the weekends. The schedule is flexible. It comes with a fantastic PTO policy and good insurance. It would be a good career move, and I would learn a lot. Pre-baby, I would have been stoked about this opportunity.

My biggest struggle with taking this position is the mom and wife guilt. Right now, I see my daughter every morning and every night and we have all weekend together as a family. With this new job, I will get home after bedtime 3-4 days/week. When I work the weekend, I won’t see her at all. I feel so terrible thinking about losing precious time with her. I’m worried I will regret it when she’s older. I feel bad adding on the burden of post-work dinner and bedtime to my husband who also works full time and is exhausted. Not to mention a whole weekend of parenting alone once/month. He is supportive and said we will make it work, but it doesn’t make me feel less terrible.

I think my biggest issue is that I want this job, but when I think about taking it all I can think is that I’m selfish because I’m going to lose time with my family for an extra day off and more money. I feel so much pressure to be with my daughter as much as I can because she’s in daycare all day during the week, which I already feel guilty about.

I thought about turning the position down tonight because the guilt I’m feeling is too much, but the thought of staying at my job now is also unbearable. I don’t know what to do.

 

[peace24555]

@algie I grew up with my mom working as a nurse in various clinical settings. My siblings and I adapted just fine and we have no resentment or disconnect with her for it. She worked night shift pretty much my entire adolescence out of necessity (dad bailed when I was 15) but I know she would have been incredibly bored elsewhere even if she could have gotten an decent-paying office position. We managed. She loved us (4 ranging from 18 to 5yo) and found ways to make our limited time together special.

I would suggest, however, if you can, budget some of the raise you'll get into something like having a housekeeper come by once or twice a month or getting meal kits or similar. Had HelloFresh existed when I was 16 and cooking for my siblings, they might have been spared my horrible porkchops.

 

[algie]

@peace24555 A house cleaner would be amazing. That is a great idea. Having the financial ability to do something like that would be so insanely helpful, which is another reason why I feel like this pay increase might be worth it. Thank you, this was all very helpful!!

 

[bornagain1973]

@algie Could you send your child to 4 days of daycare or keep her home on your day off to offset the time you would miss? I am a nurse and don’t send my daughter on my days off because on days I work I do not see her at all. Sometimes my husband is able to bring me lunch with her on the weekends though, that could be an occasional option to spend a meal with her if you really want to take the job. As far as the solo parenting, over the course of your whole parenting journey, it will all even out in the end! And they get to spend special 1:1 time together.

 

[algie]

@bornagain1973 We have talked about dropping her to part time if I took it, which would be great. The tricky part is that they only offer MWF as a part time option, so we would need to make sure I could swing every Tuesday or every Thursday off (my retired parents offered to take the other day). It’s self-scheduling so I think that we could make it work.

I had the same thought about them having special time together and I really think after a bit they would fall into a routine together.

 

[oluyara]

@algie As a nurse you shouldn’t have any issues with that! I don’t know anyone who would refuse to switch if you’d work their Monday or Friday. Everyone wants a 3-4 day weekend. You can also talk to whoever finalizes your schedule and volunteer to be always on Monday and Friday, which they might appreciate, since those days are harder to staff.

 

[algie]

@oluyara I asked the head APP at my interview if she thought it would be possible and she was also pretty confident I could swing it. There is also so much PTO, if for some reason there was nothing else available I could always use a PTO day.

 

[billy123]

@algie Take the job (and I hope you did)! I work 4 10s, and I struggle with the guilt sometimes, but as my partner says --if you're happier, that's better for all of us. And I found that to be so true. The day to clean, run errands, and have some alone time makes it so much easier, for me at least, to be present for the time that I spend with my child. Plus, it lets partner feel less guilty for watching soccer on the weekend (lol), and I can get some 1:1 time -- so it's a win win.

 

[algie]

@billy123 I also think that I would be happier and that’s something I keep reminding myself - I deserve to be happy too. I would love a day to myself to get things done around the house that have been piling up for months now.

Thank you for your response - After this post I am definitely leaning more towards taking it. Still some negotiations underway, but the pros seem to be outweighing the cons.

 

[mygirlsmomma]

@algie 25k can buy a lot of extra household help. Also, mom guilt is everpresent. It never goes away. I'm not saying you should ignore it, but it would be helpful to recognize that in a lot of situations you're going to feel a lot more guilty than a reasonable outside observer would say is warranted. Would you expect a sister or dear friend to feel the level of guilt you feel? This job sounds like it will give you more time and money, which will enable you to spend more meaningful time with your daughter. Quality of time beats quantity of time.

 

[sifiso]

@algie Its so weird to me to just jump into a new position and leave the old one behind. I've always done more of a slow fade, where I accept the new job, and take a week off of my old job. That way I see if I really like the new job before I go in heads first

If you could do a trial like that it'd be great.
Also the job doesn't seem that bad in that you'll still have 3-4 days off with her. And if your hubby needs help on the weekend, then he should feel free to ask for help and I'm sure you'd be supportive too.