My partner and I do not agree on how to handle a temper tantrum 1yr son

[eliakhoury]

I believe that u shouldn't take away affection or comfort when a child is having a temper tantrum.

He believes it's best to ignore the child when they cry out.

This troubles me.

He says he has helped raise a bunch of his family members and 'knows for a fact' this works.

I only have this one child yet it feels wrong to ignore him when he just needs comfort, so I don't and my partner takes this as me undermining him.

He can also be mean to him (our 1 year old son) because he wants to toughen him up. As in telling him to shut the f up when he cries, telling him to 'get off me' when he wants to be held sometimes or if he is holding our son and our son starts crying he'll say the same thing 'get off me man'.

He tells me that I am going to raise 'a lil bitch' and I get so mad when he says this and it always turns into an argument because I don't believe that to be true. Our son is strong willed (I believe) so he isn't the easiest baby but I don't care because he's my baby and I will learn him so I can be the best parent possible and give him all the tools and skills I am capable of so he grows up to be the man he is supposed to be.

He isn't always like this. He definitely shows our son affection I just wish he would handle the situation differently when our son isn't in a good mood. It's like he gets man when our son gets upset or botherd. I'm like 'hey we r the adults here, we have to keep it together when he's having his little meltdowns so he knows we there for him through the good AND the bad!

I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of my partner here I'm just trying to give examples. But he definitely has less patience than I do when it comes to our son and we clearly have different parenting styles.

How can I handle situations like this better? I am not trying to make my partner feel like his way doesn't count but I just strongly believe against it. I just want us both to be the best parents we can be, together, not separated.

 

[katrina2017]

@eliakhoury As adults, we also get angry and sad at times. We also act unreasonable and make mistakes. When we feel this way, the last thing we want is someone to yell at us, belittle us, ignore us, or dismiss us. We want someone to listen. We want someone to understand. We want someone to support us through difficult emotions.

I hope I’m not overstepping by saying that if your husband had to raise his siblings, perhaps he did not come from a very stable family system. It sounds as though he’s doing the best he can with how he had to parent in his family of origin, but your family can be different.

 

[eliakhoury]

@katrina2017 Yes. I completely agree and yes it's sad but true.

 

[didactics]

@eliakhoury First, to be frank, you're right. I'm not a psychologist, but I have over a decade of working with kids in various developmental arenas. From Adventure Play to Emotional Literacy, children are discovering everything from their hands to their emotions. It's important that they have a safety net to fall in when the lessons get tough.

It's important to remember that we have the ability to control our emotions at times when they just don't.

I'd suggest getting some literature for both of you to learn from, together. Bringing information in from a third party, recognizing gaps in your understanding of the subject will encourage your partner to be more receptive to the information.

I got this book on audible and listened to it while out for walks with my dog.

While walking and listening to a book isn't for everyone, I believe listening helps might be easier for two people who would like to stay at the same pace.

The book I suggest is:

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk

they also have

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen

The first obviously deals with older kids, but it's the one I read (listened to, then bought a physical copy for reference).

It helped me TREMENDOUSLY with the 4 yo that I was working with at the time.

I think it'll give a good perspective on where you're heading with raising your son and help guide your treatment in preparation for his development.

I haven't seen it yet, but there's a docu-series on Netflix called Babies. I've heard that it's excellent, and though your son is no longer an infant, I'm sure it'll give you some perspective on his development as you look back on the last year.

 

[eliakhoury]

@didactics Yes thank you. I have heard that book reccomend to me many times. Now I think I'll get it. Yes I have watched it. I love it! they have a second season now too.

 

[didactics]

@eliakhoury And now I'll have to watch the show!