My daughter failed 9th grade and I do not know what to do about it

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farmerdex

New member
My daughter ended the year with 4 out of 6.5 required credits. She failed English and Science (two core classes). She has two options:

1 Go to summer school (for English only, science is not available). Load up on classes which could give her the opportunity to get caught up to her class by the end of the year.​


2 Stay a freshman and go for a 5th year to make up the English credit and anything else she may fail in the next three years.​


My problem is that she has always struggled in school and it has gotten progressively worse. Her motivation waxes and wanes. She starts off strong and through a quarterly cycle she grows more apathetic and we go through this cycle year after year.

She has never expressed a desire to do good for the sake of being good. She does only enough to not be harassed by me or her teachers. Her desire to go to summer school only comes from a desire to be in high school for the shortest amount of time possible. She doesn’t care about walking with her class.

If she went to summer school there would be no wiggle room for her to fail anything else (b/c I’m only willing to pay for summer school once!). I do not think “just trying to get out” is enough motivation to perform in a way that she has never performed before.

I do not want to pay $400 for summer school only for her to fail again as a sophomore, but I also do not want to be the one to hold her back if she wants to try and succeed. I feel if there is an opportunity for her to pull this off and walk in 2025 I should do everything to make this happen, but I do not think she can pull off three flawless years.

Should I give her every opportunity and let her fail on her own or should I do what I think is best for her and hold her back against her will?

Thanks!
 
@farmerdex Has she been evaluated for any mental health issues or learning disabilities? Any possible unknown social issues like bullying?

My daughter failed every single one of her classes this year in 9th grade. Her guidance counselor said she could go to 10th grade and make up courses throughout the 4 year period.

My daughter was struggling with getting back into the swing of things after Covid. I also got her signed up to do votech next year to learn a trade instead of being stuck in a classroom all day next year. She has major ADHD and school was torture for her. Honestly, with all the homework she had (and didn't do) I don't really blame her for hating it.

It was probably the most frustrating time period of my life. Good luck!

ETA, I did sign her up for an English course and social studies course this summer, made her pay for it, and took a day off from work to help her with her homework so she would pass summer school.
 
@faith20175 Similar issues with my son. He loved being able to stay home during Covid because he hated being at school, but it was so hard to get him back into the swing of things once he had to go back. He just barely passed his classes in 9th grade because he would do the bare minimum of work (if he did it at all). Like your daughter, he has ADHD (as well as autism and other issues). Thankfully he did get enough credits to pass to the 10th grade.

I'm sending him to a charter school for next year, that allows a 4 hour school day (morning or afternoon), and with it being a much smaller school, I feel like he will have a much better chance of getting through school this way.
 
@faith20175 Sounds like we're in the same boat. There is a lot of bullying and the way she chooses to conduct herself only multiples those issues. She has a therapist and special permissions at school for her emotional state. I try to keep her from allowing these things to be excuses. I try to teach her that her fate doesn't rely completely on her external circumstances but on her inner resilience.

I want her to do summer school because I want her to make courageous choices and shoot for the stars, but I also don't want to blow $400 knowing she'll probably fail.
 
@farmerdex I read some of your other comments ... I'm also a loan parent. I think that's the part that drove me crazy the most. Like .... yes, if I could drop these three jobs and hover over you to make sure you're not going down this path then I would. But then we'd be homeless. I got her into three study halls, dropped electives, etc. So she would have supervised time to get it done. I eventually literally just gave up and resigned myself to let her actions have the consequences. Luckily her attitude changed to the point of at least caring about summer school and it was only because she switched up friend groups. She had a girl friend I later learned was hitting and abusing her. She then went on to start going out with a very nice boy. I took that opportunity to showcase what being near the wrong people can do for your overall health and wellbeing. Some kids learn the hard way. It's frustrating when I have also learned the hard way but have decades more experience of getting out of it.
 
@faith20175 Your story sounds very similar. She seems intent on learning the hard way in spite of all my own experiences. It's like she doesn't listen until she's being bounced off rock bottom.
 
@farmerdex This is the teenager way! I am also frustratingly in the season of life where I see what lies ahead for my daughter, but she doesn't want to hear it from me. We have to let them make their own mistakes. We can offer advice or personal experience, but at the end of the day, what we have to say is just never going to be enough. We don't know what its like for them. (eye roll). I remember doing the same thing when my dad would offer advice based on his life experience.
 
@farmerdex I wouldn't completely write off the summer school, there's a chance with there being less students there, that it might benefit her more. I had to go to summer school in my junior year of high school (I don't remember if they charged for it, it was so long ago) and it turned out to be exactly what I needed, because I had a teacher that was better able to help me by giving me the help I didn't get during the rest of the year (I never had an IEP or 504, but I most definitely should have had).
 
@leafis I like the idea of summer school because I want to give her the chance to succeed, but check this out...

She failed English by 1% (final grade 59%)

Throughout the entire year she blew off this little online activity. It was super simple, you log in for 20 minutes...easy 'A' and it counted for a big chunk of homework grade. She chose not to do it. At first it was all ego like, "I'm not doing that". And then she just didn't do it, or lied about doing it.

That was her one percent...if had just done what she was told she would have passed. That makes me want to say, "you made your bed"
 
@farmerdex Oh I know exactly what you're saying. For my kid, it was French. If he had just done a few more assignments, he would have passed that class. Initially he really enjoyed the class and he did fairly well in it, but couple of months, he just stopped caring and putting in the effort. I mean he kind of did that with all of his classes, but he was able to make it through enough to pass the other classes and fortunately earned enough credits all together to at least progress to 10th grade. But still, I wish he would have passed that class anyway.

I had high hopes for my kid, because he's a pretty smart kid. Used to get straight As and Bs, but this year it was just different. And the sad thing about ADHD is that it's usually accompanied by depression and it hit him hard. I had to let go of my thought of "you could have done so much better if you had just tried," to "let's get you through this (through therapy, etc) and aim to do better next year."

I can tell you that telling your daughter "you made your bed" would serve no purpose. Deep down, she already knows. and although I know you mean well in teaching her not to use her issues as an excuse, sometimes our emotional and mental state can't get past that, you know? She might know exactly what she needs to do to achieve goal A, but she's not able to make herself get over that hurdle, not without help.
 
@farmerdex Ask her what she wants to do. I’m in the same position with my daughter and I’ve learnt you can’t force kids to do things they have no passion for
 
@dparise She wants to go to summer school, but she only wants to do it because she cannot bare the thought of being in HS for a minute longer than she has too.

To me summer school is pointless because if she couldn't handle freshman year with two study halls, how is she going to handle a full sophomore schedule?

It's throwing good money after bad and setting her up for failure.
 
@farmerdex Maybe you can ‘loan’ her the money for that and when she gets a job she can pay back the summer school fees. At the same time if she knows it’s her debt she might work harder for it and surprise you.
 
@farmerdex Maybe now that she “hit bottom,” as hard as it may be to believe, sophomore year might be different. If she’s motivated to go to summer school because she doesn’t want to prolong high school, then hopefully she’ll be motivated not to fail sophomore year. Like you said, she CAN do the work, she just hasn’t wanted todo the work. I would let her go to summer school - and as I believe others may have suggested - tell her you will pay for it, but if she fails it,she will have to reimburse you. And then tell her you believe in her and you know she can do it. I’ve had to do that myself and it was hard sometimes to swallow my rage and instead give encouragement but [at certain times, not ALL the time] it’s the right thing to do.
 
@farmerdex Ufff. You sound pretty harsh here. Let her go to summer school. 14 year olds, even the ones that excel, need lots of time and support. Sounds like boarding school would be the best option. Maybe you can find a scholarship
 
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