@pz128 Hey mama. It’s ok to refuse to nurse to sleep every 45 minutes for a 6 month old. We had some similar challenges (admittedly not quite as bad). Your baby can learn a new way and your instincts are right that it will include some crying. I would not go straight to crying alone in her crib (although you may end up deciding to do a little bit of that eventually). I also think she is still young for that so I would personally offer comfort in between feeds to start.
I started by feeding every 3 hours for a concentrated full feed (about 10-12 minutes on each side). It’s important to start this 3 hour gap with the period before the bed time feed, to make sure she is hungry enough to get really full. So if bedtime feed is 7:30, last nurse before that at 4:30 at the latest. Obviously offer solids dinner in between - something with protein like hummus or puréed beans will keep her the most full (carbs good too).
Then overnight when it has been less than 3 hours, offer comfort and connection literally any other way. The goal eventually is for her to fall back asleep laying on a flat surface with less and less help (shh-ing, singing, patting, back rubbing) from you. But that could take a week or two. Start by picking up and rocking, walking, etc if needed. If dad is willing to help even just for the first 3 hours till 10:30 pm, that can sometimes be effective (or another family member like one of your moms…someone who can’t nurse). Personally we had ended up co-sleeping since she would never sleep through the transfer to the crib and because she woke so often wanting to nurse. So I did this part laying together with her on a floor bed, and then would roll away when she fell asleep instead of staying with her (but come back when she woke). I laid on my tummy next to her so she could not nurse or see my breasts.
It’s important that your nervous system stays calm and regulated so she can co-regulate with you. Your nonverbal energy should say — and you can say this stuff out loud too — “I know, baby. I know it’s hard to learn to fall asleep in a new way. I’m here with you, you aren’t alone, you can learn it. I know you are frustrated I won’t nurse you. It’s not time for nursing, it’s time for sleeping. Let’s sleep now and you can nurse a little later.”
Once she can consistently fall asleep on a flat surface (floor bed or crib) with your support, slowly pull back your support until you are just physically present. Once she can fall asleep on a flat surface in silence without patting or rubbing, then and only then would I ask her to do so alone in the room without you there (ie CIO). If you do this I strongly encourage you to read The Happy Sleeper, which is written by two licensed therapists. Their framework has you going in every 5 minutes, never longer.
And still feeding every 3 hours (or whenever she wakes up after 3 hours). Keep her awake during the feed to make sure she gets a full feed of 10-12 minutes on each side, so that you can be confident she won’t be hungry for another 3 hours. Also if she wakes up at, say 2.5 hours and fusses for at least 5 minutes I would just go ahead and feed. The process of night weaning for calories/hunger is a whole separate thing from trying to help her learn to connect sleep cycles without nursing.
Attachment parenting doesn’t mean never setting a boundary. It means setting them in a loving and gentle way while staying emotionally connected, attuned, present and co-regulating. Those boundaries can include how often you nurse, and also eventually where and how she sleeps.
You are doing great and you NEED to sleep longer stretches for your mental and physical health. If co-sleeping wasn’t working (it didn’t for us!), it’s ok, even GOOD, to help her learn to fall asleep without nursing every 45 minutes!!
It’s not black and white. After doing this my baby sleeps most nights the whole night in her crib and wakes up 1-2x to feed. 1-2 nights a week she is really struggling and I bring her to bed with me (and she nurses every 60-90 minutes and I get a horrible night of sleep…but I feel better because I know she CAN and does regularly go 7 hours alone in her crib so I know that on those nights she genuinely needs more comfort and support).
