My 14 y/o daughter’s first bf cheated on her while he was drunk and high (!!) on vacation. He’s also 14. Should I tell his parent what happened?

[butterfly123]

I should say right away I know this is what happened because I monitor my daughter’s phone and texts. She is 100% aware of this and it’s the rule in our house until she can pay for her own phone. She knows that he was in an altered state, but it doesn’t bother her like the kissing 2 other girls did.

Unfortunately after breaking up w/him for a week our daughter caved & they are now “back together”.
They are in a musical together and see each other every day, but we have not allowed them to hang out otherwise since the break-up, which was about 2 weeks ago.
We don’t live nearby so it always has to be arranged with adults for them to hang out.

They went out almost 2 months before this incident, and they were never alone - a parent was always home if they hung out at one of our houses, or else they were in public. His mom and I spoke early on and were on the same page with supervision.
.
Now our D says his mom invited her over after their performance to hang out.
Aside from not really wanting to enable them dating, I’m not sure what to say if the boyfriend’s mom brings up why they haven’t been hanging out.

If my kid went away and did what he did, I’d want to know. But I also know my kid will be furious and say it’s an invasion of his privacy that I even know about it.

He’s a genuinely sweet kid who at first was great. Him kissing other girls was stupid, but getting high and drunk at 14 really bothers me.

Thanks for your thoughts!

ETA: Great discussion, appreciate all the different views, that's what I'm here for. D told me about the cheating on her own, and actually clued me in to the circumstances when I asked what he said about how it happened. She said he told her he "didn't remember". Before ever touching her phone I said I could only think of 2 reasons someone wouldn't remember kissing someone, and that was drunk or high. This was later confirmed when I checked her phone. I agree with everyone who says the relationship is between them, and my job is to be a cheerleader or shoulder to cry on as needed.

That said - he JUST turned 14, and got drunk and high on pot. We all know this happens, but I personally don't condone it, and I think I would want another parent to tell me if they knew my kid did this. Hubs and I disagree a bit on this, he'd rather not know.

The original question suffers from late-evening worrying on my part, probably too dramatic.
The text reading is understandably controversial, and honestly I don't feel great about it. Reading all my kids' texts is not something I set out to do as a parent. When we got her a phone at 12, we told her it was our phone because we pay for it, hence the restrictions in place then (no social media at first), time limits, etc. When she can support her own phone she can fully make all those choices. We're OK with that family choice, especially now.
Sadly we're in a situation where recently we've had to severely limit her privacy in a lot of areas due to an eating disorder. Lots of things on phones become a tool of the ED, and we have to inspect everything from youtube to camera use to help eliminate certain behaviors, which is the unfortunate reality of the disease. I COMPLETELY admit that my anxiety around her condition has caused me to read way more texts than I would ever want too. ED takes a lot from kids. What I will do moving forward is treat the phone use more like we do eating, slowly allow more independence, checking in verbally with her along the way. I'll stop reading her texts, however I'm sure she won't trust me now, at least for awhile. Hopefully we'll get back to a good place as we work through everything.

Also, most kids are savvy enough to delete texts, use snapchat, etc. Yeah, over-supervision can just make them smarter at covering their tracks, I do hear that too. Anyway, figured I'd give more on my perspective, thanks for helping me think this situation through from all sides!

 

[kyrieeleison01]

@butterfly123 I would be more concerned about my daughters feelings and how she’s handling a break-up and dealing with someone she adored, cheating on her.

She’s 14. Remember how we felt when we were 14 and went through a breakup? Sounds silly to even say, now that we’re grown and know that was just an adolescent moment. But to her, it’s her world.

Focus on how this affecting her, more than the other kid and their situation.

Parent to parent—I send all my love.

 

[dialogos]

@kyrieeleison01 Kids have such big feelings at that age. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 18 and I didn’t even really like him that much. I just felt like every single one of my friends had boyfriends so I kind of caved and got one as well. He dumped me before a party and I was really upset. I think part of the reason I was pissed and upset was because I felt like I was supposed to be upset. I was oddly kind of relieved, to tell the truth, because I was not ready to have sex and things were headed that direction.

My youngest just turned 17 and he is not dating anyone. My oldest started dating his girlfriend when he was nearly 17. I was not ready for a relationship at that age. I was kind of terrified of it.

 

[bianca123]

@butterfly123 I think his parents should know about the drugs and alcohol but not the cheating. The former are illegal and very dangerous for his brain. They are responsible for what goes on in their home. They need that information to parent well. The cheating is between the boy and his girlfriend, a moral issue. I think if he needs to learn that morality now, it must come from life consequences (e.g., breakups).