Maternal V Paternal Reaction to Crying

[vantai324]

I’m a father to a 2 month old boy. I live in the same house as my wife and we are a good team when it comes to parenting.

To preface this, I’m a very involved dad. Me and my wife make a good team. Our son is not super fussy either. It’s my first child but I’d consider him an easy baby (knock on wood)

When he cry’s, my wife’s reaction is much more urgent. We must help him at once. I care, and it makes me so sad to see his little lip quiver. So it’s not for a lack of
Caring. But my wife thinks his crying doesn’t bother me and I don’t react like she does to help him. Something must be wrong and he needs help.

Now I’m getting in my own head and questioning my parenting skills. Why don’t I react with as much urgency as my wife, do I lack feelings, why don’t I have the pain to stop is crying immediately.

Like I said, I care a lot. And I’m not letting him self soothe himself. I just like to give him a minute sometimes.

Is this a maternal v paternal thing? Sorry to split this up by gender but I feel women instinctively react differently.

Or am I just an emotionless jerk.

Ps: I did not discredit my wife’s opinion. I just get up and react right away now. But I’m still having some doubts about my parenting instincts

 

[parentingpod]

@vantai324 A newborn baby's cry is specifically calibrated to trigger a deep biological response in its mother. And I mean deep!

When your wife has that immediate/ urgent need for the baby to be taken care of, it's because her body is programmed and deeply dialed in to protect her baby at all costs, even at her own physical detriment.

Human babies are not fully developed, even at birth. They still require a massive amount of care and even being laid down is cause for them to panic.

Her body used to house his body and that incredibly deep connection isn't severed, simply changed, after he was born. He can cry to trigger her to stop eating, to stop using the bathroom, and to take care of him in seconds.

When my daughter was a newborn, I asked my husband to watch her while I took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I heard her crying. I texted my husband and asked him to go change her diaper again. He replied, I just did. And I replied back that she needed it changed again. He had no idea how I knew. I didn't understand how I knew, until I researched how an infant's cry changes, based on what they need, and that as her mother, I could discern those incredibly tiny changes.

It's so deeply biological and hard to explain, but it will go a long way when you react as quickly and as urgently as she feels the need to.

 

[davidcrosby]

@parentingpod Also, if she’s nursing, hearing that baby cry is PAINFUL.

 

[katrina2017]

@vantai324 Your wife is biologically wired to respond to his cries in a way that you aren’t. It’s TORTURE when it’s your first and you aren’t used to it.

 

[savedfromaddiction]

@katrina2017 Agree.

 

[jesussavessalvation]

@vantai324 There's nothing wrong with you, you're a person. We have a different reactions to different stimuli for so many reasons from life experiences, to personality in and of itself, to multiple different factors.

I could not handle my daughter crying. It tore at me. And I really had to do my best to control the anguish that I felt when she cried.

When my son cried I was able to handle it better than my wife was, I don't know why. She would have the same reactions I was having when our daughter cried but in reference to our son.

We're not sure how or why this occurred but it's how it worked out.

 

[cogito_ergo_sum]

@vantai324 I think it's person to person.

I (mom) am the one who will wait for a minute and listen to see which kind of crying it is. My husband has a much stronger reaction and wants it to stop ASAP.

In fact we discovered that if he wakes up to crying, he's angry before he even wakes up all the way. It's just a weird brain-ear connection. We solved it by having him wear earplugs at night and I attend to crying faster than I would during the day.

 

[vantai324]

@cogito_ergo_sum Ya I guess I shouldn’t tie it to gender. That’s very interesting and a good solution on your part

 

[dardego]

@vantai324 Some people have an anxiety reaction to crying that motives them to do something about the crying sooner. I have it and when it acts up, it’s like the crying is similar to metal scraping. When it’s not acting up, I like to wait and hear our what kind of crying it is too. I don’t think you’re being a bad parent at all.

 

[goldtruth]

@vantai324 If you want to confirm or calm your doubts, then I recommend taking a bit of time to learn about the development and neurodevelopment of babies (and also moms, pregnancy literally rewires mom's brain). There are so many resources available and having some general understanding may help guide conversations with your wife around developmentally appropriate choices. For example, letting a baby of 2 months cry is different than letting a 10 month old baby cry for a minute or two.

 

[micklb]

@vantai324 I also think this is a person to person thing. My husband always wants to respond to any crying right away and I (mom) typically wait a minute. I don’t like all of this biological talk nonsense because I guess that means that I’m biologically wired wrong? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either of our instincts, we just have different approaches.

 

[amm]

@vantai324 I think it’s easier for non-birthing people to really… prioritize? Not sure if that’s the word I want, but to not let a cry skyrocket to the top.

When my son was crying, even when I was crying, I would get mad if it took people too long to help him. It caused a physical reaction for me. It made it hard for my husband to figure out what worked for him, he felt like he couldn’t do anything right.

I had to let him get into his own rhythm. Hormones take up to a year to balance back out, but hell… my son still pulls the heart strings. I know he’ll be fine if I leave the room in 5 min (he’s 2), but I just can’t bring myself to let him cry.

Even if someone else’s young baby cries around me, my brain still is like “wherebabyfindbabycheckthemfeedsnugglebouncepoorbabywhybabycry”

 

[snafuy]

@vantai324 I think that what you are experiencing is very normal.

Certainly, we experienced the same dynamic. And I’ve observed the same dynamic in other couples.

Both of you hang in there, and keep doing what you’re doing.