I'm a single dad of a 5 yr old . I won sole custody of him when he was like 16 months old from his mother in court . She has like 4 other kids wit this dude who use to beat her ass all the time . And after my son was born he beat her up like 3 different times in front of my son . So like I went there to her house and her boyfriend was there and we got into a fight n all that . Long story short he got arrested for domestic violence and I took her to court to get my son to live with me . Well during court the judge flat out asks her you either want this dude who beats u up all the time living in your house or our son you cant have both . So she deadass picked this dude and my little man moved in with me . Well that was like almost 3 years ago and she hasn't been around sense . Like she gave my son this phone number and he messages and calls her all the time but she always blows him off or tells him she dont like talking to him cause it makes him upset . Like wtf of course it makes him upset his fukin mother dont fuck with him SMH . So like I never talk bad about her and I always try to make excuses for why she ain't around but like he is 5 now he asking mad questions that i dont know how to answer. So I was just wondering if anybody else is in this type of situation and got any ideas how I can answer all these questions my son has now about his loser mother SMFH
Just wondering ....
- Thread starter ekim
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ashleyripka
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katrina2017
New member
@ashleyripka I'm going to give a different perspective on child therapy. My 6yo daughter was upset about her dad. I'm a single mom. She was so upset it was really starting to affect her life. So I did what everyone advises on Reddit and took her to a child therapist. She told me she was so uncomfortable and she didn't like being asked questions by a stranger. It really hurt her to be asked about it by an adult she didn't know. Later that night, she snuggled in bed with me and we had a long talk. She was so much better after that.
As a parent, you're the adult the child trusts. No therapist can do a better job with a child than a trusted adult (an exception is for sexual abuse, which should always be dealt with by a therapist).
As a parent, you're the adult the child trusts. No therapist can do a better job with a child than a trusted adult (an exception is for sexual abuse, which should always be dealt with by a therapist).
ashleyripka
New member
@katrina2017 Great point, I totally agree with you and get your point. it’s definitely up to the kid and the parent. Each situation is different. I have seen a regular therapist for the past 5 years, sometimes my insurance changed therefore my therapist changed. I have met some not so great therapist for my self and my kid. However, I have met some incredible, talented, amazing therapists. It just depends. I have dealt with closest to 15 therapists combined adult m and pediatric. I have loved maybe 3 or 4. I have seen some only once, good doctors/psychologist are hard to find. The good ones cost money and the cheaper ones are usually booked on revolving appointments each year or they’re not accepting new patients
For ex, Out of all the surgeons that I have met... I would ONLY let a select few operate on me and sadly it’s the same for a psychologist.
I am almost always there during the sessions. Now with Covid there’s a lot more teletherapy, it’s good because my kid just thinks he’s playing, he doesn’t really understand the full meaning. he has art therapy every other week, for 30 mins and he enjoys it. She doesn’t really ask him any questions about his personal life. She just encourages him to express himself and asks him questions related to the activity he’s working on. He knows her by name and they have a good relationship.
I would recommend to interview or give the Therapist a trial period. Ask questions about their approach, goals or expectations.
For ex, Out of all the surgeons that I have met... I would ONLY let a select few operate on me and sadly it’s the same for a psychologist. I am almost always there during the sessions. Now with Covid there’s a lot more teletherapy, it’s good because my kid just thinks he’s playing, he doesn’t really understand the full meaning. he has art therapy every other week, for 30 mins and he enjoys it. She doesn’t really ask him any questions about his personal life. She just encourages him to express himself and asks him questions related to the activity he’s working on. He knows her by name and they have a good relationship.
I would recommend to interview or give the Therapist a trial period. Ask questions about their approach, goals or expectations.
@ekim I tell my almost 4 yr old now that he's asking questions about a Dad he's never met and probably never will meet that some people just aren't healthy enough to be in our lives. I also reassure him that it's nothing he's done or nothing he can do to change that. I wish your little man the peace he needs for his little heart and you the comfort in knowing you are rocking the parenting thing.
@domnino I try to let him know it's nothing he did ya kno but like he sees her on fb with her other kids n her boyfriend n shit n it makes him so mad he gets upset n asks why she doesnt want him like her other kids SMH sometimes I just dont know what to say so I just hug him and try to make him feel better
@ekim The little guy will be okay if you give him all the love he needs
Support his mother as much as you can and give her any help she asks for. She is in an abusive relationship from what you have said and she needs help. It can seem impossible to leave such relationships and she could fear for your son
The little boy will be fine if you raise him fine, don't you worry. It is a pity it is all on your shoulders but he is worth it.
Support his mother as much as you can and give her any help she asks for. She is in an abusive relationship from what you have said and she needs help. It can seem impossible to leave such relationships and she could fear for your son
The little boy will be fine if you raise him fine, don't you worry. It is a pity it is all on your shoulders but he is worth it.
@ekim My daughter is only 3, and has only started to occasionally ask questions, so maybe this is limited help... but... I think there's always space to talk to kids in an honest, but age appropriate way. Eg - mommy made some bad choices, and unfortunately that means she doesn't get to be in your life the way I do. I'm so lucky to have you in my life every day! Etc.
Really the best thing you can do with kids is let them be sad. Be there. Ask them if they want to talk about it. Tell them it sucks and you understand why someone would be sad about it. Just validate the shit outta their feelings! Don't try to get them to look on the bright side til they're ready.
Sounds like your you're doing a good job of showing up for your kid!
Really the best thing you can do with kids is let them be sad. Be there. Ask them if they want to talk about it. Tell them it sucks and you understand why someone would be sad about it. Just validate the shit outta their feelings! Don't try to get them to look on the bright side til they're ready.
Sounds like your you're doing a good job of showing up for your kid!
alxspntral
New member
@ekim I have sole custody of my daughter, got it when she was 2. Mom just... left. In and out of prison and jail. Flophouses. Different dude's places. She had 4 more kids in the next 5 years.
The version I told her when she was little (she's a teen now) was:
Sometimes people's bodies get sick and they don't feel good, like when you had the flu last fall. Sometimes people's brains get sick and when they do they don't usually make good choices, and parents who don't make good choices aren't safe for children to be around. The part of her brain that loves you isn't sick, I promise... she still loves you very much, but it's best if you're with me while her brain is sick. She may get better someday and we'll see what happens then, but she may never get better, in which case we'll be a tiny but perfect family and we'll pray for her safety and the health of her body and her brain.
The version I told her when she was little (she's a teen now) was:
Sometimes people's bodies get sick and they don't feel good, like when you had the flu last fall. Sometimes people's brains get sick and when they do they don't usually make good choices, and parents who don't make good choices aren't safe for children to be around. The part of her brain that loves you isn't sick, I promise... she still loves you very much, but it's best if you're with me while her brain is sick. She may get better someday and we'll see what happens then, but she may never get better, in which case we'll be a tiny but perfect family and we'll pray for her safety and the health of her body and her brain.
@alxspntral This is an amazing response.
@ekim Don't make excuses for the mom. Tell the truth in a simple, age-appropriate way. It's not bad-mouthing mom to acknowledge her hurtful behavior for what it is. It's more important to help your kid understand that mom is the problem, not him, than it is to make excuses and leave her thinking that what she's doing is ok and that he's wrong for not being ok with it.
lionofgod90
New member
@ekim I have a good therapist supporting me to support my child. I have also had 100% custody since they were 2 and 4 and when the questions started rising and they started to be affected by the situation I reached out for help. We tried some art therapy but didn’t go anywhere , eventually found a good therapist specialised in trauma who guided me through the process (still does). When children will be ready (they are now much older but still under 10 the oldest) I am hoping to slowly introducing them to her.
It might be beneficial speak to one so that they can show you pros and cons of different approaches to these issues . It’s hard to be in these situations , wishing you all the best x
It might be beneficial speak to one so that they can show you pros and cons of different approaches to these issues . It’s hard to be in these situations , wishing you all the best x