Just need to write it out

[shannonhartwell24]

I’ve just got my period again and have now been trying for 8 months. And while I didn’t expect it to be quick, I wasn’t really expecting it to take this long either. And apparently 8 months is my limit of being able to just brush it off - this is the first time I’ve really cried over my period arriving.

I’m just about finished doing my Masters - thesis is due in 12 days! - and I’d kind of planned/expected that I’d then be coming up to maternity leave by this point, with baby due Sept/Oct/Nov. But now instead I’m booking work (relief worker) all the way through into January. It’s just hard having to truly acknowledge that it’s happening a lot slower than I thought, and somehow booking work is one of things that makes it seem real.

I don’t even look at or read about baby things any more. I try not to think about plans about how I’m going to raise my child, what activities we could do, how I’ll decorate the nursery. Because it’s gone from making me excited to making me feel this sense of dread that none of that will ever matter any way. I know it’s only been 8 months, it can take up to a year or even two, but it just wasn’t meant to be this hard.

Edit: just want to thank everyone for their support. I’m currently sitting waiting for some blood tests, so hopefully we can get the ball rolling if we do need a bit of help. Fingers crossed for everyone and thanks for reminding me I’m not alone

 

[tzipora]

@shannonhartwell24 I’m with you, friend. 8 months of trying is when my best friend got pregnant on try #1. She told me the day she got her positive test, and I’ve barely been able to get out of bed since. She’s 12 weeks now and it’s hard to believe I’m still waiting.

 

[shannonhartwell24]

@tzipora My SIL (whom I love dearly) got pregnant first try with both babies I’m very glad that they were done with kids by the time I started trying

 

[jlf1101]

@shannonhartwell24 Similar story here… I’ve had 3 sister in laws get pregnant (one twice!) while I’ve been trying. It’s so hard.

 

[katrina2017]

@shannonhartwell24 Cycle 8/9 was when things started getting hard for me. I'm on cycle12 now and admittedly the excitement is gone. My months have been filled with overwhelming thoughts of what I am doing wrong. Regret for waiting to start trying. Thought of what could be wrong with me or my husband. Looking up statistics that make me feel worse and over analyzing my data from OPKs and stuff. Sex feels like a chore and its been a hard place to try to pull myself out of. Now that we are on cycle12 at least we are in the place to do more fertility testing and either get some answers or ease my mind. I had no idea that was what TTC was going to be like. I hope you don't have to wait much longer

 

[adkchappy]

@shannonhartwell24 I'm starting cycle 8 and I have been crying for the last 24 hours. I'm a labor and delivery nurse so I'm around pregnancy and babies all day. I get asked 12 times a day when I'm going to be pregnant. I can't handle it anymore.

 

[thisorthat549]

@adkchappy I can't imagine how tough that is. Sending you some strength as it sounds like you need it

 

[8weaponx]

@adkchappy I do the same job in the UK and had two losses before having my son. Some days, it’s just impossible. Sending you a gentle hug, I hope this is the cycle for you!

 

[dchristian]

@shannonhartwell24 I get it, I have been trying since November 2021. I don't like my job, but I thought I would be there much longer. 18 months later and I'm still there and no baby in site and I wonder if I will ever leave or if I should give up. It's hard. It has been the last 3 months where I have felt like it would happen just a matter of when, to not being confident it will ever happen for me and maybe I need to reevaluate my life. It's hard.

 

[jenallison]

@dchristian I was in the same boat. After 8 months of trying while working at a job I hated, I said screw it. I ended up landing a new job at my dream company. We took a break from TTC but now that I have passed my probationary period, we're going to start trying again. Sometimes it's not worth it to put your entire life on hold for something that you have no timing control over. All the best to you!

 

[fsblisschild]

@shannonhartwell24 I just wanna say I feel the frustration, I’m at cycle 11 and this one has hit me hard. I don’t talk to anyone about it other than my partner but it gets sad and lonely.

 

[shannonhartwell24]

@fsblisschild I talk to my mum as well. She had to take clomid for her first pregnancy so she does get it. The sad and lonely is the main reason I wrote the post though. It’s nice to know other people are going through the same

 

[elementalstyle]

@shannonhartwell24 I feel you, 8 months was my breaking point too. I’m heading into cycle 11 now and I’m just feeling defeated. I’m not excited about it anymore, I just assume it’s a negative.

 

[hospitaller96]

@elementalstyle Cycle 15 and I don’t even test anymore. There is no point looking at the negative test if I already know. It’s lonly. Lonliest i have ever felt.

 

[medkarn]

@hospitaller96 I did only one test in the 2 years of trying as my cycle is so regular. I tried once when MS was very weak just to feel what it's like doing a test.

 

[shannonhartwell24]

@elementalstyle Yeah, that’s how I feel. Like I’m devastated my period started, but also…I fully expected to not be pregnant anyway.

 

[peter95faith]

@shannonhartwell24 I feel you OP. In my case I have been on and off TTC since last 10 months or so. Even though we could not try every months (due to stress, international travel to take care of parents etc) I still hoped to get pregnant sooner somehow. And since that has not happened yet, I have started to lose hope and started feeling sad about it. I can totally get how you must be feeling. During these months even if I was late for 3 days or so my hopes would get high for those days and I would start imagining the journey. But then AF would arrive. I try to console myself that when it is meant to happen it will. Sigh! Congratulations on completing your masters! It is a great achievement and I wish you the very best for your TTC journey. Hugs.

 

[shannonhartwell24]

@peter95faith Thank you! Can’t believe it’s almost done!

In one respect with TTC I’m very lucky - my periods are VERY regular. So I never really get a chance to convince myself it’s late. Small comforts

 

[nncsmth]

@shannonhartwell24 I felt this. We started officially trying last August, and in February I started feeling a sense of dread that it was taking longer than I thought. I'm approaching my 31st birthday and I thought I'd be at least pregnant by now, if not close to having a baby. Work front is busy and great, but I just feel so overwhelmed by the unknown. I am seeing a fertility specialist just to get everything in order and make sure our chances are good, but I'm no longer hopeful and optimistic for a surprise like I was almost a year ago.

 

[deaconmike]

@nncsmth Amen, I’m in pretty much the same boat and can related to everything you’re saying