I need some serious help

[brianmd]

So here's the problem. My youngest twins cry when I drop them off at school and refuse to go into school.

1. We live in japan.
2. The are 2nd grade elementary. Almost 8 years old
3. Bad home environment, mean/violent mommy. Overly caring daddy (me)
4. We speak 2 different languages, but they can understand a lot of what I say, we often mix the language.
5. Two different approaches to discipline. Wife = be mean, it's good for their growth. Me= talk to them about it and have them explain why it isn't ok.
6. I work a full time and go to college. So I've had less time with them lately, but this has been going on since b4 then
7. Wife lets them take days off school whenever she is off and tells them it's ok to do so if they don't like school or want to go to school ( she is against school education, I feel it stems from her experiences since she has not had success with college and has lost every job she has held due to poor choices. She has mental illness)

There r many factors, but im losing my mind here. We r ok going to school, but then one starts to cry when it's time to enter the school. Im getting sooo stressed it makes me yell and scream at the kids and sometimes I bang something like a table or wall. I know it isn't goof to show them that and I try really hard, but the kicking, screaming, rolling on the floor, scratching, punching, and tantrums for 1 hour when im late for work really really gets to me. They don't do it for the their mother, just everyone else. I ask them why and they said its cus she's scary and hurts them.
I dont want to do the same, but their tantrums really affect my ability to go to work and im the main provider in a 9 person household.
Help please. Psychologist cost too much here and are not covered under insurance for this situation. Plus, the wife and other family refuse to accept it or go to see one

 

[the0prayer]

@brianmd I am not sure what "being mean" is exactly. But that stance and letting the kids not go to school whenever they don't feel like it does not go well. It does not create any consistency at all.

First, I recommend your wife receive the mental health services needed

Second, I would try to be on the same page with your wife in terms of approaching the kids. I am not saying you should be mean too. I think both of you have to talk together to form a mutual plan.

Third, School is somewhere you go every day, period. The hurdles should be discussed and resolved but that is the ultimate goal. Especially, when they are in low grades in elementary school.

 

[brianmd]

@the0prayer Thank you for the advice and support.
It's difficult to speak with her since she takes no responsibility and she blames me for her problems, I.e. financial, mental, unconcontroled rage.
She says I caused her debt and must pay pack her debt, even though it's from way before our marriage.
I tried to speak with her. I begged her to see a doctor. I even said I'd go with her. I begged to see family councilor. I begged her to speak with school psychologist about kids. I asked her to create a discipline plan and to make things better.
Literally her respons was " shut up, you don't know anything, just do what I tell you to and give me your money. All of it. So there will be no problems,"
Like, we r getting divorces soon. I've asked her for help and receive the answer, "it's your fault, deal with it by yourself,"
Not playing the blame game, God knows I'm wrong with yelling screaming at kids.but she is totally unwilling to support any other opinions except her own. And refuses to get help. She went docs but stopped because she didn't want to take the medicine they gave her.
I totally agree with you on all aspects and I will work my way to see if I can give it another shot.
I really appreciate your opinion and advice.

P.s. I dunno if I can be on same page with discipline. She punches. Pushes. Slaps. Throw things. Litterally child abuse. But im in a tight position with visa and not being able to support kids alone. Language barrier and such. There is a high possibility they might go into japanese foster care

 

[brianmd]

But, thank you.
Any suggestions on what I can do to improve the bounds. I want to improve mine and their situation. I want us to enjoy our time and be confident to go to school

 

[rekri]

@brianmd The school issues seem like they stem from being abused. The abuse is a much bigger problem. And speaking of which, as their parent, how are you working to protect them from their abusive mother?

 

[brianmd]

@rekri It's a work in progress. There r a few things preventing me from leaving and taking kids. Japan is not very I
User friendly in these cases. I already reported. And she doesn't do much when im there. We also argue a lot so im also wrong. We messed up. But im the only one to admit this and make changes. She said , we don't need u. Just give me money and leave us....
This is how it is in a nut shell

 

[heartnsoul19]

@brianmd You are codependent person. U re enabling your mentally ill wife abuse towards your children. You shout at your children because ur pathetic self is craving validation from your disfunctional wife. You have no self respect and u need help! Report your wifes abuse asap. File for divorce and take children.

 

[brianmd]

@heartnsoul19 Hi there, Thank you for your advice. As far as pathetic self and craving validation goes, you are only reading a post and haven't been in the same room. Most days I don't see my wif because she isn't usually home, she's usually staying at a bar or someone else's house while her mother and sister and I watch the children ( mostly her mom and sister because I work full day and go to college) sure, you are right about the yelling and being equally at fault, but maybe before calling someone pathetic you may want to walk in their shoes a bit.
Nonetheless, I appreciate your input and will consider what you wrote.
Thank you

 

[brianmd]

@heartnsoul19 Great job bro. I'm sure you are living a comfortable life. Seems like you have a lot of time, so im guessing you are younger. Have a great night. A little advice, it's a fine line between hurting and helping. If you want to help others, please consider which side of the line your stepping on.