I miss my son’s twin

[pudnanewell1986]

The wife (34F) and I (34M) agreed last year to try for a baby. We were incredibly blessed and got pregnant within 60 days and were over the moon. Fast forward to week 8 where we had to go to the ER for abdominal pain...Turns out she had a heterotopic pregnancy.

Trigger warning: unpleasantness ahead

For those who don’t know, a heterotopic pregnancy means two eggs, both fertilized but at least one stuck in the Fallopian tube. Usually, “plan B” and try again is the “remedy”, but with a viable egg, we chose to fight for our babies, which meant surgery and at best, only the implanted egg in the uterus would be viable and the one in the Fallopian tube would have to be sacrificed. By some miracle, it remained so.

Fast forward to the gender reveal; it’s a boy! I immediately had that “YAY” and subsequent “what would have been” feeling.

Our son was born reasonably healthy though small. He’s 9 months now and thriving. Every time he does something new, I get that same double edged feeling. For the most part, it doesn’t affect me too much day-to-day.

The other day, he was playing with himself in the mirror. It broke me. I cried. More than I’d like to admit. I know neither my wife or I are to blame, and I’m incredibly thankful for the boy I do have (especially after a horrendous pregnancy for my wife) but I can’t help but miss his sibling, even though we never met.

Sorry for the long post. Not sure why I posted it, maybe I’m hoping it will help me in the long term. Hold your kids tight. I know they’re tough to deal with sometimes, but man... aren’t they just everything and then some? Much love to all you parents.

 

[incristalone]

@pudnanewell1986 My sister recently has a stillbirth and was told by her therapist that grief and joy can coexist. You can mourn your son’s twin and still find joy in the things your son is achieving. It’s not a bad thing. That sounds horribly traumatic and infant and pregnancy loss just sucks. What you are feeling though is normal, healthy, and valid.

 

[pudnanewell1986]

@incristalone Thank you, and thank you for sharing. 2019 was a rough year. Somehow, amidst what’s going on, 2020 has been more promising than what 2019 ended up being.

 

[aymb]

@pudnanewell1986 I haven't lost a child myself, but I think that as life goes on it'll get easier though. My aunt lost her 15 year old in a house fire about 15 years ago, and for the first few years all she thought about was her daughter and everything she did was for her. Now when her daughter is mentioned in memories at family gatherings, she joins in laughing and shares her own memories, while also making sure to visit her grave and have a proper cry on her birthday. I think it only took her about five years to get to that state of acceptance.

You'll never not miss your baby and cry for them, but it WILL get easier with time.

 

[aandromeda]

@incristalone Grief and joy can coexist... wow, I love that so much

 

[witsend]

@aandromeda “By accepting that we are all on this balance beam of 50 percent positive and 50 percent negative emotions surrounding our life experiences, my ability to sit supportively beside the emotions of my kids, my spouse, my friends has shot up exponentially.”

https://www.joplinglobe.com/news/li...cle_bd166670-be58-5b0c-a882-5335f38b9ec8.html

 

[riff]

@witsend Thank you for sharing this.

 

[jraad]

@incristalone Reminds me of Kahlil Gibran on Joy & Sorrow: "When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

 

[scdanladd]

@incristalone This is very true. I recently met an acquaintance who had just had a baby. They confided in me that they had lost a fullterm baby last year. They are very happy about having their little one now.

I had miscarriages myself, and I could not help thinking that baby 2 would not have come into existence if baby 1 had not died. It's the same with every baby born after miscarriage or stillbirth. The rainbow baby would not be here if the previous pregnancy had had a better outcome. Being alive is a weird thing.

 

[imchance]

@scdanladd I felt/feel the same after my first miscarriage and subsequent positive pregnancy weeks later. I wanted that first baby. But I wouldn’t have my son if that baby had been viable. It’s a strange thing - to feel joy in something painful. I felt it the entire pregnancy. That and fear that I hadn’t “waited” long enough and that something bad was going to happen. For some reason I thought I had to menstruate before getting pregnant. It turned out the miscarriage basically actually acts as menstruation and you can become pregnant just days later. I was shocked at the time. Took months for me to process.

 

[scdanladd]

@imchance I feel that. My happiest pregnancy was my first one. I was glowing, so ridiculously happy, touching my belly all the time. That lasted 8 weeks. I never got that feeling back. I used joked that I am the president of the association of panicky pregnant women. After an appointment all was well as I had just seen a living fetus. Then as time went on, I started worrying again. It got better when I could feel the movements but I never got that careless happiness back.

I had a miscarriage, a menstruation, a healthy pregnancy with my first child.

When we tried again, I miscarried at 7 weeks. It hurt way less because I only lost one pregnancy, not the chance at children per se (which was what my first loss due to financial stuff felt like), and I knew I could carry to term by then and had my rainbow child already.

It was like your pregnancy: I started spotting on the 10th of the month. Stopped bleeding on the 19th. Had sex on the 22nd and 25th or 26th. One of these resulted in my second child. My obgyn was kinda speechless. In retrospect, this is kinda what my second is like. Her way or the highway.

A friend studying to be a doctor told me that she had been told by an older obgyn that a healthy pregnancy directly after a miscarriage is quite common. She explained it with the body already being prepared and hormony.

 

[robcallow]

@pudnanewell1986 My daughter was stillborn at 5 months, and though I have my son now and I love him very much I think about her everyday and wonder how different things would be if my son had a big sister.

These feelings may not go away, but they're 100% normal. Hang in there, and consider counseling if you feel your grief is interfering with your life.