I Feel like My Family Needs More Structure and I am Terribly Burnt-out

[psalmofmercy]

I am posting this here because y'all are by far the kindest and most supportive parenting community. I am a SAHM and I think I might be in burnout but I really do not know. I feel like for the past few months I have just been coasting at home. I feel like I don't pay nearly enough attention to my children but simultaneously it also feels like the only thing I accomplish.

For reference, I have two boys, my oldest is 25 months and an almost 10 months old. My toddler plays independently well enough and just hangs out most of the time. I have him help me with chores and what not but I don't really do any of those pintresty crafts with him. He is speech delayed and I worry so often that it is my fault. Maybe I don't read enough to him or talk enough. Our family is a one vehicle family that live in the suburbs, I don't live in a safe enough place that I'd feel comfortable walking anywhere but we so spend about an hour or so outside everyday so that the boys can get some fresh air. I do wake up super early with the kids on days where my son has speech therapy so I can take him there. I talk on the phone with my mom a whole lot. Probably too often.

I just feel bad because I am so lonely and bored a lot of the time. I actually really, really love being a SAHM. And I used to be good at it. But something happened where suddenly everything just seems so hard and I just don't do as good of a job. My husband is very likely ND and works a customer service type job so he comes home also very burnt out. I di try to prioritize the boys attachment the most, so a large part of my day is also spent holding them and nursing them and contact napping. I enjoy all of these things and it seems to be mutually beneficial. I just feel like everyone could benefit from more structure and I don't know how to do it. I feel like I just need q swift kick to pull me out of survival mode to be a better mom for my kiddos. Thank you to all who read this and for all the advice. Even typing this up seems like it took energy I don't have lol.

 

[animore]

@psalmofmercy I understand the suburb and car situation but is there any way you can get out more? Ideas— library, playground/rec center, soft play/indoor playground, public pool/baby swim class, outdoor playground, la leche league meeting, mom group (look on Facebook for your town or area), or even a trip to Target or something. Can you take Uber (I believe you can request one with car seats or if you bring your own the drivers are obligated to allow them)? Take public transit even if it’s super slow and inefficient (the bus ride itself is an interesting sensory experience for babies/toddlers)? Have your husband carpool (even one day a week) so you can use the car to take the kids out?

As a fellow SAHM I feel like leaving the house keeps both baby and myself sane. It’s interesting how an otherwise mundane trip can become so entertaining for them, something like looking at flowers at Home Depot. I don’t know how difficult it would be but if possible it might help your kids burn off some energy and you will feel refreshed too I think

 

[psalmofmercy]

@animore I should be able to soon because I have to take the car twice a week for my son's speech therapy. The only hurdle before is that I would have to wake the kids up so early to get my husband to work. They would obviously for good reason be cranky for, and it is hard on me and very upsetting for my husband to hear my toddler that cranky. But now I am going to take the vehicle anyway which I think will make me feel much better

 

[jamie2]

@psalmofmercy That was my thought. Try to maximize time out of the house on the days you do have the car. We do toddler story time at the library once a week and my daughter loves it. Sometimes we pack a lunch and spend all afternoon at the park.

 

[johncw12]

@psalmofmercy Just checking in to say I’ve been feeling somewhat similar here! I do my best, but still feel bad and like I should be doing better somehow. My goal is to get out of the house every day somewhere, whether that’s the grocery store, the park, grandma’s house, a museum, or just walking up and around the block. It is always super stimulating for my 2.5yo and it also mainly serves to keep me sane. The fresh air and change of environment is so good for both of us. I find that I feel bad for not entertaining my children or playing with them when we’re at home, but I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t my job to do that. My job is to care for them and love them, and let them facilitate their own world experience.

 

[godsendwoman06]

@psalmofmercy I know exactly how you feel, and for me it was my health and fitness levels. The pregnancies and breastfeeding have taken a lot of of my body and I was very nutrient depleted and still am if I'm not diligent. I take a really high quality multi vitamin, and have to be sure I'm eating lots of grass fed butter and free range eggs, and veggies, and it's hard but even 10 min every few days of low intensity exercise (even a slow stroller walk counts) really really helps keep my cardio fitness up enough to have the energy I need to be present.

 

[psalmofmercy]

@godsendwoman06 Thank you for this! I definitely have had issues with my iron in the past, which made me feel super bad, and since I have started on an iron prenatal vitamin. I used to be so much better about daily exercise but I really need to prioritize it again.

 

[troy1]

@godsendwoman06 Thank you for sharing this! I think this is me. My nails break so easily and I’m just living for my next sugar hit all day

 

[godsendwoman06]

@troy1 Not shilling this, it just really really helped me get on track: adapt naturals has a multi and they also have what they call the core plus bundle. It's expensive, but it was so worth it for 3ish months to get the core plus bundle to get my body back on track, then I switched to just the multi. My nails were brittle, my hair was bad, my skin was getting bad, and I had only enough energy to do the minimum cooking/cleaning/playing with my kids. Now I'm not kidding, my husband tells me my hair looks amazing all the time, I hop around all over the playground with my kiddos, and my house is actually clean (though not tidy, lol) most of the time.

 

[2reshane]

@psalmofmercy Just a comment about speech delay - my oldest wasn’t saying more than a couple words at age 2. I read all the time to him and he was an only child still at that point. We started speech therapy with EI, and then my 2.5 years he was starting to speak more. He’s 9 now and is still fairly quiet. I think he and I were so attuned to each other he simply didn’t have to talk, and he’s not a chatterbox anyway.

Compared to my second, who never stops talking, and my current baby who is speaking well at 13 months (well in the sense that he has a few words and babbles a lot and clearly understands me) will also probably be a chatterbox. So I wouldn’t worry you have done something wrong, but if you are concerned about his speech check out early intervention programs in your area (ours was run through the local school district).

 

[psalmofmercy]

@2reshane My oldest has started speech therapy, and his language is picking up a whole lot. I think you might be on the nose about him being a quiet guy in general. My second is also much, babblier, lol. Thank you for this. It does make me feel a little better.

 

[2reshane]

Oh and a comment about burnout - I really enjoyed the SAHM thing for a while, and still would like some parts of it. But I found myself feeling burned out because I needed intellectual stimulation. I’m super nerdy, I love school, love thinking about complex problems. I just get bored by the routine of domestic chores. I knew I was spiralling when I was trying to maximize efficiency with laundry and dishes, like I was looking for a puzzle to work out and solve.

There is a certain wonderfulness to the relative simplicity of SAHM work. Defined tasks, not particularly hard (other than dealing with troublesome or difficult toddler behavior) and a slow pace. Working outside the home adds so much complexity and stress. BUT for me it’s needed. I need to challenge my mind and I need the time away from my kids so I don’t get touched out.

 

[beardedbloke]

@psalmofmercy I feel you. You’re doing a great job!

 

[psalmofmercy]

@beardedbloke Thank you! I needed this.

 

[heavenstudent]

@psalmofmercy Two kids those ages I think it is 1000% okay to be in survival mode. Your kiddos will be just fine!

One thought would be can you do something when he gets home from work? We do toddler gym and swim lessons at the YMCA on weekday evenings.

Or he could uber to work one day a week to give you the car?