I feel like I can't move on..

[finallywoken87]

I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow and have been facing some weird emotions this week. Maybe it's the raging hormones idk. We lost our first at 8 weeks with a missed miscarriage. I had no clue anything was wrong which I think made it really hard to accept at first. I'm at peace with the loss, as much as one can be, I guess. But this new pregnancy has been a mind f*&$k. I keep telling myself at each milestone that ok, now I can relax. We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks again at 8 weeks, again at 9 weeks, yesterday at 11 and 5days. Doctor said everything looks great and my lab work has all been perfect.

I have moments where I'm ok. Where I'm confident my body can do this. But then odd things like planning our gender reveal for this weekend make me feel.....angry? Like how can everyone be so excited, so casually excited about this pregnancy? Is no one else worried this might end too soon? Our nurse yesterday was taking my vitals, making small talk. She asked "is this your first baby?!" I smiled and said yes, but in my head was thinking "if we ever make it that far, sure, this will be our first living baby".

Of course, even if my family and friends were scared, I know they wouldn't tell me that. But I just feel like everyone is SO EXCITED and so confident that we're bringing THIS baby home...except for me. Every cramp, every headache, I'm convinced is the start of the end.

I just want to enjoy my pregnancy and be blissfully unaware of the other possibilities. But I don't know how to get there.

 

[andreytaranov]

@finallywoken87 I just want to say you’re not alone. I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant after a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. We saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks. Baby had died a few days after the ultrasound. Pregnancy is tainted for me now. As If I dream too much I’ll jinx it. The anxiety sometimes feels like being drowned. I just make it through one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[popcronandcandyfloss]

@finallywoken87 After a decade of failure I didn't fully, emotionally accept that my daughter would be born healthy until I literally saw her crying face in the hospital. My husband and I immediately burst into tears.

You can't force yourself not to have a rational fear. You've lost pregnancies before, this is not outside the realm of what's possible. You're not crazy or ungrateful. You're protecting yourself and being realistic. I don't think people who haven't experienced loss can understand at all. But that's ok don't worry about other people just enjoy the days you have with your baby - the kicks and the ultrasounds and updates. You are doing all you can do. Each day of life is a gift. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

 

[brokenhumbled]

@finallywoken87 Just want to say I completely relate to the anger about everyone being so “excited” and casual. It brings up a rage in me I don’t understand, like good for you that you’re excited but I’m terrified. Hope we both feel better at some point

 

[overcomer9115]

@finallywoken87 I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. My first pregnancy also ended in a MMC at 8 weeks. I am 26 weeks now. All I can offer is that my constant anxiety has improved the further along I've gotten. Now feeling movement is so reassuring. I felt the same way as you at my gender reveal. It's so hard. I just had to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time. I did my best to enjoy every stage, milestone, and event. Although there was always some lingering anxiety, I've tried to make the most of this time. I hope you can too!

 

[ratluges]

@finallywoken87 You’ve articulated all of the emotions during a pregnancy after a loss really well. I relate to this so much from the unexpected anger to the uncertainty to the being convinced that every cramp is the end. I don’t think any milestone will make me feel better.

I’m sorry you have to go through this and I am wishing you and your baby all the best.

 

[endureforever]

@finallywoken87 I lost my first pregnancy right around the 6-7week mark and I’m about to be at 8w. There’s a part of me that gets scared that if I start getting too excited, then it’ll be taken away again.

We’ve had 3 scans so far and another one this coming Friday and everything is going perfectly… so far. My husband wants me to be excited that everything is going great but we’re still not out of the woods yet and I’m not sure I’ll ever be out of the woods in terms of anxiety and cynicism.

Thanks for being vulnerable.

 

[scrugg8745]

@finallywoken87 Firstly, I'm so sorry that you lost your first little one. Pregnancy loss is such a cruel and unfair thing to experience and a lot of people don't understand it until they've gone through it.

I just wanted to come here and say that there is no pressure to feel anything about your pregnancy - positive or negative

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant after 7 losses and I can safely say that it's been a real journey full of ups and downs. But I've decided that I don't have to feel a certain way about anything I experience during this pregnancy. At the beginning we had scans every 10 days and we really were counting the days. My husband and I would send the percentage chance of loss to each other every single day, then we worked towards finding out the sex of our baby (a sweet little boy) and then towards our 20 week scan etc.

Do whatever makes you feel most in control and put no pressure on yourself. This is all new to you, and it will be for a long time, so make sure you give yourself the time to navigate it.

I feel so beyond lucky and grateful to be into the weeks of viability. Navigating pregnancy after loss is hard as you're working through unresolved trauma and you know what can go wrong and your brain will try to protect you by getting you to think about that all too often.

I hope that you can find your rhythm with this all, I'm starting to get there. But days are still hard, but that's okay

 

[finallywoken87]

Thanks all. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling angry. It's not an emotion I expected at all. Yesterday was a really hard day for me all around. Hoping today is a little better.

 

[realizer]

@finallywoken87 Thank you for sharing this.

I feel the same way. I am still very early but progressing really well this time I don’t want a baby shower, I don’t want to do prenatal yoga, I don’t want to get my books out again from under the bed. I have animosity towards a friend who just had her baby today after trying for one month, that she will never know the pain some of us suffer. It’s so hard. Thank you for expressing and validating what so many of us feel.

 

[rein_29]

@finallywoken87 I can relate from earlier in my current pregnancy. We found out the gender early and told family and friends at 12 weeks but didn’t want to have a gender reveal or any kind of “celebration” until much later in the pregnancy because it felt odd and too early. Finally at 35 weeks I was able to enjoy a baby shower but it still feels slightly weird like what if something goes wrong. I’m under a really good care team and so far everything has been fine but it’s impossible to completely stop the worry after loss.

There likely will be some times you start to feel excited later in the pregnancy, so my best advice is to embrace those feelings instead of overthinking it and going back to the worry.

Edit: a word