How to address cutting

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mark419

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My daughter is 14 and recently started having severe bouts of depression. She’ll be fine one day and the next she’s in hysterics. I should also mention she struggles with an intellectual learning disability. She has a difficult time comprehending some things and she’s totally fine on others.

Just this week I found her with horrible things written in her legs and arms (I’m a loser. I hate myself. I’m stupid. I want to die.) And she took scissors to her legs, and a kitchen knife to her wrist. She didn’t cut very deep and she came to me right away crying.

I already have her set up with an appointment to see her doctor and she’s been seeing her counselor at school. She’s also not allowed in any rooms by herself right now.

I don’t know what else to do. The doctor can’t get her in for a week and a half. I’m l struggling with some marital stuff and business delays so I’m overwhelmed.

Any advice for handling this? I feel like I’m drowning.
 
@mark419 As an ex-cutter, a very serious case too, one of the only coping strategies that helped me was "the 15 minute rule" . If you Google "15 minute coping strategy for self harm" you will find some information.

Essentially, when you feel the urge to self harm you make a deal with yourself to wait 15 minutes and set a timer. Do something else for 15 minutes to distract yourself and then re evaluate your feelings once the timer goes off.

Self harm is truly an addiction. I started cutting at age 12. I am turning 35 this week and I haven't cut since I was 18. However, in times of extreme stress or deregulation cutting is on my mind. It's still the first thing I want to turn to.

As a parent, please validate your child's feelings and experiences. Be firm with your boundaries but be gentle with your child. Help them regulate by keeping your own emotions regulated. Much easier said then done.

One thing I wish my mom would have realized is that I wasn't trying to give her a hard time, I was HAVING a hard time.
 
@louisphan Yeah she keeps apologizing. I’ve told her repeatedly to stop apologizing. I’m not not mad. I’m just scared. I’m trying to give her outlets too. It’s absolutely terrifying because it’s like she feels absolutely helpless and can’t explain why she’s doing it.
 
@mark419 Hi, former suicide intervention responder here.

What you've just said here? Reflect that to her. "It seems like you're feeling helpless, like you can't put into words why you feel so compelled to hurt yourself." When she apologises, "it sounds like you feel guilty about letting me see how bad you're hurting."

Of all the teenagers I talked to over the years, the vast majority of them did not want to tell their parents what they were going through. Half of them it was because their parents were the problem. The other half, it was because they never wanted their family to feel even a fraction of the pain they were living with on a daily basis. So when your daughter apologises to you, the odds are it's because she doesn't want to cause you the same hurt that she's feeling.

The best thing you can do for her is to reassure her that this is why you are here. You are her mom, and the most fundamental part of being a mom is taking the feelings that are too big for your kid to handle on their own and holding them for a bit so that your child doesn't have to carry them all by themselves. You've been doing that since she was a baby, when she cried because the world was big and strange and she was small and new at all this. You put bandaids on her scraped knees and kissed them better. You hugged her when she had a bad day at school. And now you'll hold her and listen as she talks, and when she tells you about all the things she feels that make her angry and sad and empty and conflicted, you'll tell her that you hear her, and that the words she says make sense to you, and that having those feelings doesn't make her bad or frustrating or a disappointment to you.

And on a more personal note: it's okay that you are scared. You are allowed to feel how you feel about this, and it doesn't make you any less capable of helping your daughter. Make sure you have somewhere to express those feelings and a support system of your own. Put your own oxygen mask on so that you can keep helping others.

You can do this, momma.
 
@mark419 Two of my teen daughters have done self-harm/cutting at different points, and they were both subsequently put on Prozac. It’s not a miracle drug to cure this, but that coupled with counseling seems to have helped lessen their emotional intensity, their lows aren’t as low, if that makes sense.
 
@mark419 My daughter started at this age. I was at a loss how to help her. School counselor gave her some good tools. Elastic bands to twang if the urge got too much. Bluetack to fiddle with to keep her hands busy. She recommended adult colouring books to keep her occupied.
Make sure she knows she can talk to you. I thought I was available whenever but apparently she felt she was always bothering me so we made an arrangement. She would ask me if I wanted a walk after dinner and that way we created time where she felt listened to.

For my daughter the reason seemed to be how overwhelming she found school. It's a very large campus and she was going from noisy classroom to even noiser corridor and back to noisy classroom. She struggles with excess background noise and she was drowning in dread about having to face day after day I the same situation. We got her loops to help cancel the noise but she didn't like wearing them. Now she Flexi learns. It's not always smooth sailing as she's found this outlet now so it's almost a default go to in stressful situations. Luckily with her being at home most of the time I can notice her mood decline before she actually cuts and take positive actions to help her feel better.

Good luck to you and your family.
 
@minster01 It means she does her school work at home but is still enrolled on the school system so she can get support and take her exams there. They still monitor progress my job is to create an environment fit for her learning.
 
@mark419 When my daughter was going through this, I tried so many things. Many programs, therapy, trips to the beach, pitting all sharp objects in safes…

Finally in a partial program they told me to take away her razor blade. I knew where it was, but was afraid that taking it would cause her to really lose her shit. She even told me that taking it away would make everything worse.

But once they told me to, I knew I had to, so I did. I don’t believe she’s cut since and now she’s in college.

I read that even though kids can cut themselves with a screw from a light switch, (therefore it’s impossible to remove everything dangerous) knowing that you’ve locked everything up in an attempt to keep them safe is a mental reminder that they are loved and their loved ones don’t want them to hurt themselves.

I hope your daughter is ok. I’m truly sorry and I don’t wish this on anyone.

It’s so very difficult, because as parents, our every instinct is to protect our kids from harm. You would throw yourself across broken glass to keep them from getting cut. And you protect them from the people out to harm them in the world. It’s your job and it’s ingrained in you. But when the person that wants to harm them is them, it’s hard wrap your head around, and so much harder to protect them.
 
@mark419 I would make sure any medication in the house is locked away as well as any strong chemicals. Our psychologist advised this as once a coping mechanism (cutting) is taken away and they panic they may try something else. We also never left her in the house alone at any time.
 
@mark419 Just here for to provide sympathy and support for you. I am so sorry that you have a trifecta of major stressors right now. It sounds like you’re doing right by your daughter. Can’t wait for this to be a distant rough chapter of your life!
 
@mark419 My daughter did this for about a year. We immediately got her in therapy and she was put on Lexapro. We validated her feelings. Told her that we weren’t mad but we were scared. I told her about my own depression and how I know how it feels to feel helpless and that I know how it can feel like everything is so dark. We told her if she had the urge to cut to come to us immediately and we’d sit with her and not judge but talk to her. The therapist tried many coping strategies like some that have been mentioned here. At one point, she got the scissors and cut all of her hair off and when we asked why she said it was to avoid cutting her body.

At about 1 year, we discovered in therapy that she had experienced trauma as a child and that’s why she was going through this. It shattered us all finding out what happened to her. But, once she told us and we knew - she turned a corner. She became a different kid and now she is happy and healthy and no longer struggling with cutting or suicidal ideation. I would ask your child if she has suicidal thoughts. I would not shy away from talking about it and I would check in regularly with the therapist once she’s going. Be gentle and empathetic. Do not be judgmental (you don’t seem like you are.) You will get through this and I know it feels so hard but it does get better. A lot of the above advice is great.
 
@mark419 My daughter was a cutter we celebrated
every 15th she goes another month without cutting were at 18 mos right now. Took everything sharp out. Started therapy and seeing a psychiatrist nurse.
When I started to see that she was only trying to cope with everything life's dealt her I began expressing to her how proud I was to see her try and cope by herself. But that this isn't going to be a good long term coping skill. The first time i lost my shit she just moved to her legs. Broke my heart to discover she was still cutting..... glad we're past that. Hang in there and get you and her support. You got this.
 
@mark419 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been dealing with it on and off for about a year now but thankfully (fingers crossed) everything seems to be going better. I found out my child was cutting on her upper arms about a year ago at about 14. It wasn’t until they were already scarring. She assured me that it was fine it would be happening anymore, until it did. I noticed new, fresher marks. I tried to talk to her about why and what was Happening and she said she just didn’t know. I told her it had to stop.

I wasn’t sure about what to do and especially since they weren’t like medical attention bad kind of marks. We talked more and I asked her to just come to me when she felt the urge, we can talk or go for a drive or do anything to help keep that from happening. That seems to work for only a short Time until the cutting progressed to much deeper and scarier cuts and now talks of suicide.

We had now at this point a year later had 3 trips to the ER, one ending in a short stay at an inpatient mental health facility which was very very stressful and scary to me but it actually did help, new medication and a weekly therapy session. It has been a long and very terrifying year but it does seem to be actually getting better. therapy has helped tremendously and even to the point where it helped her prevent another trip to the ER because quite frankly I think our i sharan e coverage is maxed on that and I can’t afford many more of those.. some days are still tough though.

I just want to say hang in there. Take it day by day. There’s not much else you can do besides create a safe space and get as much professional help as you are able to. I know how terrifying and stressful this is. I doubt most of us has ever thought we’d see our babies go down this path but it happens. I’ve learned to be grateful for the good days.
 
@mark419 I'm sorry you are going through this. My FS (19) was doing this. I told him that it was not allowed in my house in no uncertain terms, then I empathized with everything he was going through (for like an hour I just reflected back to him all the difficult things he has dealt with), he cried and didn't talk, then I took him out for lunch and a walk, we watched a comedy movie later on, and he did chores the next morning and we talked more. And he seems to be better and to have stopped.
 
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