How do u do it?

J

jeremygray36

New member
My 34m wife 35f wants a separation after nearly 12 years together. I won't pretend things were perfect but I love her very much. She says we can live together for now and deal with the actual divorce later. I have tried turning pain into motivation. I have been holding out hope if she saw me putting up effort, fighting for her she might reconsider. Today she tells me that her friend asked her out and although it's not my place to say anything she wanted to talk to me first. How does one deal with watching their partner slowly grow further and further away. She's made it very clear that it's a done thing and no amount of changes promises or anything else will change her mind. We have been very kind to eachother I am trying to take this all like an adult but I hate all of it. I know acting out or pushing her away or trying too hard to hold onto her won't help I don't think anything will. I guess I feel helpless to just watch her slowly go. In the mean time our oldest 9f is having a hard time understanding we have talked with her openly. We framed it like it was mutual for the sake of her relationship with her mom. Now about once a day my daughter holds me crying asking me not to divorce or separate with mom. I just hold her let her cry tell her it doesn't work that way and I'm so sorry I love her so much. It's so hard to tend to her feelings when I feel the same. It's hard to feel like I have failed to keep my family together, and my daughter wants me to fix it. People who have lived with there ex for practical reasons while the dust settles. How did u do it?
 
@jeremygray36 As hard as it is, you have to ask yourself what sort of behavior you want to model for your children.

The first chapter is the co-parenting handbook talks about how the other parent has already emotionally checked out and is way beyond in terms of processing and moving on, so keep that in mind.

It sucks, but I living together in a situation like this just seems so terrible for your mental health.

Also, lawyer up. You hear stories how things started amicable/friendly, only to get nasty as things progressed...heed that warning.

Love yourself first and have grace and humility to accept the boatload of feelings that will come upon you. Then, slowly, build back yourself and life.

You got this!
 
@daughterloved Agreed here, they check out entirely way before their final decision is made and addressed with you. Because they don’t know how to deliver it.
 
@jeremygray36 So, she is tired of you, has been seeing someone already (definitely) and wants to give a try. If it works great, she kicks you out, if it doesn’t… she takes you back and continues the “perfect marriage”.
This isn’t a good situation for you or kids. While she plays… you are suffering, so are the kids. You may deal with the legal divorce later but.. you better separate homes and set a parental agreement for visitation and pensions.
 
@jeremygray36 Divorce is hard for the kids, in countless ways. Just keep doing what you are doing: reassure your daughter that you and her mom both love her unconditionally, and that the divorce is in no way her fault. Also, do your best to be consistent and dependable going forward, as your daughter will likely feel very insecure due to her world being upended.

For you - you probably need to get some physical separation. One or both of you need to move out, or perhaps attempt some sort of “nesting” arrangement. But for your sanity, you need distance from your wife, and you need to accept that your relationship with her is almost certainly over.

I had to live with my ex for about 4 months after learning of her affair. And I was still holding on to hope of a reconciliation. It was Hell on Earth for me.

We’d had a family vacation planned with some long-time friends and their kids, which we took, despite the situation. That was the very worst of it. I was in a very familiar situation - on vacation with family friends, visiting a place we’d been before. But at the same time, I was utterly alone, and in entirely unknown territory. And we were all in close quarters, still attempting to keep up appearances. Every so often I’d catch my ex texting or taking a call from her new man. It was excruciating. I’m not a particularly emotional person, but more than once I would make some excuse and slip out to the parking lot or some other isolated place, and just stand alone with tears silently streaming down my face until I could regain my composure.
 
@jeremygray36 Move out ASAP. Take it from my mistake. Her friend asked her out? So you're now in a situation where you're going to be home waiting for her to return from her date? What if she doesn't come home? Are you prepared to sit with those emotions? The more serious she gets with someone the colder she will be with you. Move out or you'll never move on. Get the divorce ASAP. Do what's best for your child no matter what. File before she does. It will give you the upper hand. I'm not saying this to be difficult or argumentative but she already has the upper hand. If you want to ensure as much time as possible force her to move out and keep your child with you. Do not allow her to do anything you don't approve of. Get a lawyer as quickly as possible and start the legal paperwork. When my ex started dating someone we were still living together. I signed a lease and was preparing to move out. When our lease expired 6 weeks before I could move into my new place, I signed the paperwork to remove myself and she renewed the lease. The first argument we got in she had me kicked out. I was homeless for 6 weeks during which time I was not allowed to see my daughter. There was nothing I could do. She continued playing games until long after I got a lawyer. The third time her motion to default was denied she got a lawyer and finally realized she was hurting her case and I was able to get 45/55. Her mother has her 30 nights more a year. Now I have documented proof of parental alienation and the court won't do anything. When sh started dating her new boyfriend a switch flipped and suddenly I was an unfit parent. I spent a year defending myself against baseless allegations that I was unsafe with my daughter. When nothing worked she claimed she was uncomfortable with my "roommate" and the court made me prove I live alone. The court will not upset the status quo so whatever timesharing agreement you have prior to filing will be what you have until you convince the court otherwise. It's incredibly difficult to change something onces it's in place. TLDR; she's not your friend. Get a lawyer.
 
@jeremygray36 As a woman, I can tell you that MOST OF THE TIME, if we initiate the separation, it’s beyond saving. We’ve already mourned the relationship and have given all the chances we are willing to give. I doubt you can do anything but try to move on. Again, I can’t speak for everyone, but very often, women will literally BEG for what we need in a relationship. When we aren’t heard, we take the time to grieve and move on and figure out a game plan, then move on physically. That’s not 100%, but it’s pretty common.
 
@jeremygray36 Don't do this to yourself, brother. Move out as soon as possible for the sake of your mental health. This relationship is over, there's no point sticking around and putting yourself through unnecessary suffering. Spare yourself the nights of watching the clock count down wondering why your wife hasn't come home yet or where she'll be sleeping that night. Spare yourself from getting anxiety attacks every time her phone's notifications go off. Nothing good will come from insisting on having a front row seat to her new love life, just walk away.
 
@jeremygray36 Oh she’s done, done if she’s ready to date. Don’t waste your time trying to win back someone who’s living their best life without you. This shit is gonna hurt like hell, but guess what it won’t last forever.
 
@jeremygray36 Sorry to hear that. I can only say that it will be best for you to actually separate. It’s too painful staying close to the person you still love. If it’s not possible due to financial constraints try to take as much out time as possible. Go to some friend, airbnb, whatever and make her go as well. You will see how much better you feel when you are physically separated.
 
@jeremygray36 Do you rent or own? Are you a two incone family? Make a budget for yourself and get a lawyer. Don't be in weird pre-divorce limbo, move out. Your ex is expecting things to stay basically the same after they upset the apple cart, to suit her best. You're not together now, so that is not your problem any more.

Also, is your wife expecting to date people still married? Weird as hell, man. Her telling you about a possible date is bad boundaries.

If your 9 year old isn't in therapy, get her in therapy. Staying in limbo won't help her, just like your wife staying when she wasn't happy wouldn't have helped her.

What kids need in a divorce is consistency and stability. Write that down because for the next 9 years, that has to be your goal. Being in limbo is not that, so don't do it.
 
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