Help with a 17 year old’s attitude?!

[shelbylynn92]

I’m not his parent, but his older sister. I’m turning 22 in a couple weeks, so not a huge age difference between us. A quick rundown of the story is, our mom has severe mental illness and I was kicked out in high school and she later lost custody of him. He went to stay with his bio dad (not the same as mine) who he hasn’t seen in over a decade. He was unruly and they didn’t really get along too well. His dad isn’t a bad person, just out of his depth and not ready to be a parent to a kid he didn’t know at all. There was no abuse at his dads. I think the biggest issue was that his dad did not realize how developmentally behind he was. He expected a normal teenager who is pretty independent, and that’s not this kid. So he came to live with me and my fiancé. I didn’t want to pull him out of his school his senior year, so I drive ~20 mins 4 times a day to take him to and from school. His dad doesn’t help pay for things at all.

He doesn’t know how to drive. I don’t know if I really trust him to drive because he has a SERIOUS attitude problem. I’m an EMT, I see horrific accidents due to teenagers all the time so I’m cautious. He doesn’t think he needs to learn all the rules of the road and thinks that anything that happens is some other drivers fault. He also thinks he doesn’t need driving lessons, because it’s self explanatory, so teaching him to drive has been…a challenge. I’ve since had our uncle take over this task and he was difficult for him too, not really listening to him teaching and just saying he knows everything.

He doesn’t know how to cook. Well, he DOES because he isn’t stupid, but he says he doesn’t. I ask him to cook with me sometimes and he will. I also told him that the internet and cookbooks are at his disposal if he wants to learn anything because that’s what I do if I want to learn a new dish. I try to have him make his own meals just a couple times a week so he can practice, but he refuses to actually cook and just uses our freezer food which we keep asking him not to do because it’s more expensive and he needs to learn.

He has ONE chore. That is doing the dishes every night. He complains and asks why he seriously has to do it every night. Because dishes are used every damn day, that’s why!

He lied to me about his grades. His GPA was extremely low- D average. He told me it was an A/B average. He wants to go to college. I told him he needs to get his GPA up. He’s hardly in any classes right now- just 4, and one is gym and the others are electives like fashion. I told him realistically he needs all A’s and B’s this year to repair his GPA to have a good shot with college. He also wants to take community college classes through his school next semester, which requires good grades. Despite all this, I found out he’d been lying again and his grades aren’t great. He says he will work on it, but has fought me on it.

He said that his teacher in one class is a huge bitch and isn’t great at keeping his attention in class and he shouldn’t have to put up with her. I’ve told him that’s how the real world is. You aren’t going to like everyone. He said that he simply won’t deal with difficult people because he shouldn’t have to. And the issues he was having with her, were his fault. Like not turning in assignments to the right places, which I nicely explained to him.

He has a girlfriend. I try to remind him to do nice things for her. Like ask if she has any choir concerts we can go to. He said he doesn’t have to do that stuff. I said, sure you don’t have to but when you’re in a relationship you should do nice things for your partner and it be reciprocated. You should support your partner. I asked him to find out her homecoming dress color so I can buy him a matching shirt and we can pick out a corsage. He rolled his eyes and said she can match him. I said that it’s a lot easier for the boy to match the girl than the other way around. Also it takes two seconds to ask her what she’s wearing! I also asked what things she likes so we could pick out a corsage that suits her, he said he didn’t know and that he doesn’t have to know things. Weeks ago, I asked if he was going to make a poster or get her flowers or anything to ask her to the dance since it’s tradition and he said no, he doesn’t have to and she should just assume. I’ve met her and she is the sweetest and cutest thing and is always doing nice stuff for him- bringing him stuffed animals, making him jewelry, etc.

He wants a job. I asked him to ask a coffee shop for an app while I got a drink. He was rude when doing this and the barista kinda blew him off which was totally fair!

He mostly makes electronic music on his computer all day and night. Not super motivated to do much else.

I could go on. I took him in hoping that I’d be able to get him on track. I love him with all my heart and I want what’s best for him. I got him abruptly when shit hit the fan between him and his dad, so I had no time to prepare. I also have never raised a kid before and suddenly have a teenager when I’m barely an adult myself at 22! I also work full time and am in school full time. There’s also the sibling to parent dynamic.

ANY advice on parenting a teenager would be so much appreciated. I’m so stressed. I cry sometimes because he can be so rude for no reason and isn’t grateful. Some days I just leave the house for a few hours cause I don’t want to deal with it. I try to do so much for him so he doesn’t have to struggle like I did. I want him to have a good life. I need advice from real parents because I’m out of my depth!

TLDR: 17 year old brother thinks he knows everything and is an adult but in reality has no life skills and isn’t very willing to learn, and he has a constant attitude with everyone which isn’t serving him well. I am worried about how he will fare when he is set loose in the world and want to set him up to be a successful adult. I’m his 22 y/o sister who has never parented before.

ETA: He has possibly been diagnosed with a conduct disorder in the past. I’m not sure the validity of this or not. Our mother has borderline and his father very likely has OCD. So truly I know this is a trainwreck of a situation.

 

[giacmosuaviet]

@shelbylynn92 I think this is pretty typical teen behavior. However he doesn’t have the kind of support system to fall back on when things go wrong (minus you), which could spiral things downward. Try to lean into his strengths, have FUN doing things together if you can, and do your best to be a positive force in his life. He’s probably learning more than you think from you. If you can find some more strong male role models for him, that would probably help. Also, I like using humor to defuse teen angst. Try to be on his side vs against him. Really listen. You’re doing your best and honestly sounds like you’re doing really well.

 

[varden]

@shelbylynn92 I read the whole thing.

First, as a mom I’m proud of you. Really proud. Consider yourself hugged.

Second…the attitude problems you’re describing are major red flags for future substance abuse issues. Everything is someone else’s fault and he shouldn’t have to be responsible for anything or put himself out for other people…everyone I’ve ever known who had that attitude was an addict.

My absolute best suggestion is to put him in a position where he’s being mentored by men who take no shit. He needs to learn self-discipline and he needs to learn it from men who command his respect.

You can talk good sense to him till you’re blue in the face and it’ll roll off him like water off a duck’s back as long as he has the attitude you described. He doesn’t deserve the girlfriend and he will do nothing but hurt her as long as he’s like this. He needs to experience the consequences of being a selfish prick in order to grow out of being one.

There’s a book by Danny Silk called Loving Your Kids on Purpose that describes how to foster responsibility and good decision-making in your kids; you could probably glean some helpful tips on how to handle him effectively without getting frustrated.

Good luck and God bless you!

 

[shelbylynn92]

@varden I appreciate that so much. I often feel very unappreciated so it truly means a lot. It feels like nothing I do is right or good enough!

That is my concern as well. I’ve been an EMT for years, grew up with a mother with substance abuse problems and a personality disorder, and I also went through a dark period when I got kicked out and had some not so great friends- so I know the warning signs for heading down that path pretty well by now. I’m so glad someone else noticed because I was afraid maybe I was being too dramatic or jumping to the worst case scenario…I have had nightmares of finding him ODed, which I’ll admit probably also stems from my trauma as an EMT, but it is a real concern of mine. I just feel like I’ve seen how this story ends a million times with the way he’s been acting lately and I want so much better for him than that. He is very smart when he puts in the effort. He’s also very nice when he wants to be! He just picks and chooses those moments, and those moments haven’t existed since he first moved in with me.

I have been trying to shield him from fallout due to his attitude as much as possible…I try to have small punishments at home, like if he doesn’t have all the dishes done like he’s supposed to then he doesn’t get to go to his girlfriends or whatever he wants to do, hoping he learns from it. And I try to talk him through every consequence he gets at school, like he was pissed he had a bad grade because he submitted the assignment to the wrong place so I tried to talk him through exactly where he went wrong and how to handle it going forward. But he did not care, it was still the bitchy teachers fault…I just don’t want to see him suffer the consequences of being an ass but maybe that’s exactly what he needs to learn to not act like that anymore. Maybe if he sees it’s not getting him anywhere, he will knock it off. Just worried since he often blames it on everyone else.

He likes my fiancé a lot. At least he did in the beginning and they talked quite a bit. He thought my fiancé was the coolest person on the planet for a minute. I’ll admit we had a lot more leeway when he first moved in due to understanding he needed an adjustment period and a lot went on between him and his dad. Also, my fiancés mother had just unexpectedly passed away and I had some health issues, so we weren’t as on top of things. And school wasn’t in session then either. He’s since realized that my fiancé is going to reiterate whatever I have said or tell him to ask me, so now he doesn’t talk to him much anymore. He’s not really rude to him, but doesn’t seem to idolize him like he did in the beginning. I think he sees him as an extension of me and he doesn’t wanna listen to me.

I think maybe having our uncle mentor him would be good. He’s a very “take no shit” kind of man and helped our cousin who was also acting out around this age. I’m hoping that an older strong, positive male figure will help.

Also decided that I’m going to take him on a day trip where he picks out the stuff we do, just one on one, to see if maybe he will open up and I’ll figure out why he’s been acting the way he has been. Maybe there’s something going on that I don’t know about. He used to tell me everything before we lived together, even when him or his friends did stuff they shouldn’t have been doing.

I am DEFINITELY going to buy that book tonight because it sounds like exactly what I need. I feel like I have a limited time and have to make up for lost time since he’s almost 18 at this point, but I think it’s doable.

 

[varden]

@shelbylynn92 The main thing is to preserve your relationship with him, because love will prevent/mitigate a lot of emotional problems. Pick something he really likes and make a point to do it with him once a week.

Make sure that he has consequences rather than punishments, and those consequences flow naturally out of him not taking responsibility. It’s better if those consequences don’t come from you (teachers taking him to task).
He needs to feel like he’s being treated like an adult. Don’t phrase his chore like you’re an adult making a kid do a chore; tell him you need his help because adults pitch in and share responsibilities when they live together. Maybe you could ask him if there’s another task he’d like to do instead?
Suggest a few he’d really hate; he’ll probably stick with the dishes just to avoid the other stuff.

I have both sons and daughters; sons will do a favor for their mom/sister long past the age when they’re okay with “taking orders”, so to speak. Phrase things you’d really like him to do as favors he can do for you, and let a male mentor be the boss figure. This will help prevent him from developing resentment against women.

I recently got my oldest son (about to turn 15) into the Civil Air Patrol; you might want to see if there’s a squadron close by that you could take him to check out…

https://www.gocivilairpatrol.com/programs/cadets

It’s super cheap; there’s no military obligation at all, they have a weekly meeting and special events on the occasional Saturday, and camp opportunities. It would be a great way to meet men who can function as mentors and make good friends his age who’re going places in life.

Oh, and another angle…you might want to give him a good multivitamin with plenty of Vitamins B and D in it; if he’s deficient in either/both that will give him a proclivity for negative emotions. As will not getting enough exercise and/or sleep. A protein-rich diet and at least an hour a day of outdoor exercise is really necessary for a teen boy.

You’re going to update us, right? I’m now emotionally invested.

 

[shelbylynn92]

@varden Don’t have any good updates unfortunately :/

He blew up on me yesterday because he wouldn’t come out of school for 20 mins and I told him that it wasn’t acceptable because he knew I had somewhere to be and made me late. I told him I’d been talking to him kindly for months about his attitude and it needs to end now. When I was dropping him off to school in the first place he went on a tirade about how he’s self made and everyone else is fake…I politely explained to him that it’s rude to talk that way about other people and that he doesn’t have a job or anything and I pay for all his stuff so I don’t know how he thinks he’s self made.

He asked me questions, like examples of when he’s had attitude, and what my GPA in high school was, etc. When I answered, he flipped out saying I was comparing us and I told him, no, you literally asked me and I answered! I also told him I want better for him than I had and that I know he is smarter than his grades reflect. He asked if I had any bad teachers and I said yeah, I also have three jobs, was in EMT school, was homeless couch surfing, and relied on canned and boxes food from my school every Friday cause I couldn’t afford my own food, and I managed to still get by. I told him that I get that the situation with his parents sucks and that’s why I took him in cause I want more for him than I had.

I explained that it’s been a lot of sacrifice to take him in and that I’d appreciate more respect.

He said it didn’t matter if he was rude because he still did the one chore he has. I told him I don’t like how rude he talks of his girlfriend at times and he got really angry and said that he loves her. I told him that he needs to act better then.

He kept saying the teacher/school thing isn’t his fault and when I explained how it was, he started calling me irrational. I told him how rude he constantly is to me and he said I’m just irrational and crazy and not making any sense and it’s freaking him out- which is exactly the kind of thing our borderline mother says Every time I’d talk, he would talk over me repeating over and over that I’m irrational and crazy.

He said that he’s been in a high school psychology class for a month now and based on what he’s learned that I’m cold and cynical and a bad parent and don’t provide a warm home. I told him if he’s gonna be under my roof then he needs to start respecting me. He laughed and told me not to kid myself because it’s my fiancés roof, not mine.

He told me if I grounded him at all he’d leave. I told him that his actions have consequences and I can’t just keep letting this disrespect go on. I told him he can’t just run away. He said he’d rather be at his dads. I told him that I didn’t think he meant that but that those are his options, staying with me or dad. He then blew up saying I threatened to send him back to his dads. I told him, no, you are the one who brought it up!!!!

When we got home, he told my fiancé that I am irrational and crazy and out of control. Fiancé told him that he will never speak to his sister like that again as long as he’s under our roof and he needs to apologize. Brother would not apologize and kept repeating that he has nothing to apologize for because I’m irrational and crazy and he started crying and said to leave him alone. He had no problem berating me but did not seem to like being called out by my fiancé.

We continued getting ready for plans. I hugged him and apologized for raising my voice at him and said we would talk later. I said that I am happy he lives with me because there was a point I thought I’d never see him again and I played this one song every day that reminded me of him. And that we can work through our shit. He didn’t say anything. He had a bawling fit as we were leaving and said he just wanted to be left alone. I’m at work today and he hasn’t talked to me or fiancé.

Starting to think this whole situation is well above my pay grade. Not sure what to do. At this point I want to take away all his privileges and not let him see his girlfriend because if this is how he treats women, then I’m not gonna subject a teenage girl to it. But all that’s gonna do is breed resentment and anger and who knows how that ends.

 

[mally1992]

@shelbylynn92 He sounds so much like my 17 yr old son. Same stuff with teachers, him acting like I’m crazy, nothing is EVER his fault, also threatened to leave (go live at his dad’s) and when I didn’t crumble/beg him to stay - he twisted that into “I don’t want him.” I could go on…I wish I had advice for you. I, too, worry about him adulting, he twists that as well. I’m exhausted & looking forward to an empty nest. His brother was a normal teenager, selfish and unpleasant for like a year or two; came out the other side as an adult I’m incredibly proud of. We have a lot in common, talk all the time, we’re very close. It’s what every parent imagines & hopes for.

The younger one has been hard for several years already though and who knows what’s to come. We have nothing in common. I hope one day we’ll have a better relationship. I hope he finds something that drives him, that can also support him financially. I hope he’s less selfish and delusional as an adult. I never worried about these things with his brother. I just wanted him to be happy, as all parents wish for. I hope your situation improves. You’re an amazing sister, he’s incredibly lucky to have you. Hopefully one day he’ll see that.

 

[varden]

@shelbylynn92 Wow, that is way too familiar (not from my son, but from the addict I knew). Jumping around from topic to topic, forgetting what they say right after they say it (contradicting himself, forgetting he brought up the tangent you replied to), and calling you crazy.

He needs to hear these things from men he can’t emotionally influence. He’s got too much baggage from mom to listen to reason from a woman right now.
Can you talk to the school counselors and his dad to see what kind of programs you could get him into?

Sending you big hugs; you’re doing great and, as a mom, I’m so proud of you.

 

[justme12345678910]

@shelbylynn92 First of all, you're a great big sister! Thank you so much for caring so much about your brother. It really sounds like he's been through a lot and he's not dealing with his emotions or his trauma very well. Is there any way you could get him into therapy or get him a mentor of some sort? He needs to sort through his stuff before he can move on and be a productive adult. Don't give up, he'll get there.

 

[nursec]

@shelbylynn92 Unless he’s your kid you have to let them learn by their own mistakes.

 

[shelbylynn92]

@nursec Well, he’s my kid in that he’s my brother he’s my responsibility at the very least so I’m trying to do my best by him since he hasn’t had great examples from our mom and his dad

 

[nursec]

@shelbylynn92 Best thing you can do is spend time with him. Force it if you have to. Drive with him. Show him what’s good ninja does on the roads. How to park. His ego and hormones are running the show so you got to alpha his ass. Show him what he’s doing wrong.

 

[jadah]

@shelbylynn92 Just want to say you're doing an AMAZING job! It may not feel like it when you get all that pushback. You're showing tremendous maturity despite all you've been through and faced recently. My only advice would be to focus on the things he's doing right. It might not be a lot or a big thing. Maybe he picks up his socks or makes his bed. Acknowledge it and give him some positive attention. I know it sounds cheesy but I've done that and noticed my teen is more receptive to me when I'm focusing on the good things he's doing or done. It's to cultivate appreciation for him which may someday get reflected back to you.

It's not an easy job taking care of a teen when you're thrown into it. Congratulate yourself for the good you've done. You're making a huge difference even if you can't see it now. You've been there for him when he's needed you. Hope the encouragement helps!