Help! I'm stressing my wife out

S

smwatoa

New member
Hey fellow dads,

I joined the club 4 days ago and have a beautiful baby girl! The reason that I come to all of you today is to ask for guidance and/or reassurance.

I have been stressing my wife and myself about breastfeeding our daughter. I went into this with an expectation (I know, never good) about how we would exclusively be breastfeeding. My wife and I were on the same page about this. Here is the thing, our girl came early as my wife had to be induced and because of this her colostrum doesn't seem to be cutting it with feedings.

Long story short, our pediatrician said that we should be supplementing our feedings with formula and it is stressing me out. I have this anxious feeling that we are failing our daughter by not giving her the "best" food she could be having. Yesterday, my wife told me that it felt like I was putting a lot of pressure on her, which is true, although it wasn't my intention. How do I get out of this mindset and what would be a more healthy mindset to have at this point?

Edit: I thought it would not need to be said, but the downvotes say otherwise. My wife is overall not angry/stressed with me. It is just this particular situation that is causing both of us stress. We both have felt like our teamwork is better than ever during this time. I just wanted to bring this to y'all because I want to be the best husband/dad I possibly can be. After she said that I was putting pressure on her I immediately apologized and there is zero tension or anger between us.

Edit 2: Well... This did not go how I hoped... Thank you so much to everyone that gave me good input and even some tough love I needed! To those trying to make me feel bad in a post that shows I'm trying to improve myself. Shame on you...
 
@smwatoa The alternative is malnutrition and possibly death. People have done this. A living baby is objectively better than a dead baby fed exclusively breast milk.

Infant formula is a modern miracle that people 100 years ago would have begged for.

And ironically, stressing your wife out reduces her supply. So stop that and support your wife. She is already feeling super guilty about this. And it doesn't make her any less of a Mom and you need to reassure her of that.
 
@pierreb I am really trying to support her as best that I can. I know that she is trying her best, and I fully agree with what you are saying. I have said to myself and her that it is a blessing to have formula, but it hasn't helped me get out of this mindset if that makes sense.
 
@smwatoa Nothing about the next few months will be perfect but you will be better mentally if you do not let perfection be the enemy of good enough. You and your wife will be far better, especially in the long term, if you accept what you cannot change, ignore what doesn't matter, and focus (not fixate) on what you can control.

There's also no point in beating yourself up over what could have gone better. Learn from mistakes and move on.
 
@pierreb Thank you so much for that message... That actually made me tear up a bit, because I know that I really am letting perfection be the enemy of good enough. That was a wonderful reminder and I will be back to read this again!
 
@1tommytom My daughter has not had a mL of breast milk since birth. She is 9 months.

This "Breast is best" is BS and gives tons of women huge amounts anxiety. It creates feelings of inadequacy. Wet nurses have been things for ever. Some women can have babies but not make milk. It's the way it is.
 
@smwatoa You have to. You can’t force your wife to make more milk and doing so will only make things more difficult.

Like Mike Tyson said, “everyone has a plan till they get punched in the mouth.” Adapt.
 
@smwatoa I have a feeling you get into a lot of disagreements when things aren’t exactly the way you want. Big part of being a Dad is doing the best you can with what you’ve got.
 
@smwatoa When you search for something don’t be surprised to see that you find it. Whether that is online searching or library finding.

Ex: is formula bad (google search)

Will give you results that show you why it’s bad or it will show results that are more popular not what is right or correct.
 
@smwatoa From your post, it appears that you are having trouble dealing with things you can’t control or when your expectations aren’t matching up with reality. All the other comments are correct that you need to let it go but aren’t providing a method to do that so I’m going to try and help.

Have you ever tried mindfulness practice? Find a safe, quiet space, put on the below video (or another you prefer) and try to embrace the exercise. You know what you need to do in this situation, now it’s about putting yourself in the headspace to do it.

 
@markchen I agree with everything you are saying, and I will check out that video. I do practice mindfulness and pray consistently. I just love this baby so damn much!! I have never before experienced the amount of emotion and concern that I have during these past few days.
 
@smwatoa Breast is best is based on flawed studies that skew towards populations that are already going to have healthier outcomes from a statistical standpoint.

I’m not saying don’t try but to view not being able to exclusively breastfeed as a failure is the wrong mental take. The failure is occurring as your fail your wife and kid by being rigid and so tied to a flawed want that you could make things worse.

Adapt and change your approach. Your wife and daughter will both still thrive on formula.
 
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