Help for a violent child

[reemal]

Hello, I'm in desperate search for help. I'm a nanny of three and I'm worried about the oldest child. For confidential purposes the kids in my care are A (5 year old), B (4 year old), and C (1 year old).

To start I've been a nanny or babysitter for about 7 years off and on. I've taken many child care classes. I also have cared for children with special needs. When I was hired a couple months ago the mother told me C was a super easy baby, B was the girliest girl, and A was a sports guy. She also mentioned that A has some contact issues. She said he will not keep his hands off of other kids or people in general (she did not say anything about them being violent). She said he just didnt understand personal space.

When I met the kids the first day he seemed really shy. Which was normal because I was new. The more I watched the kids the more I noticed the touching was not soft. He would hit very hard and kick. When I could see it coming and I told him not to or tried to distract him with other objects he would to it anyway. He gets this wild look I've never seen before and grits his teeth hard when he does something violent.

Here is a list of the behaviors I have noticed:

Hitting and kicking

Squeezing his C so hard he can breath

When getting into trouble he laughs and runs like it's a game.

Balls up his blankets and pretends to stab them.

Pretends to stab with markers or any long toy.

Says, "I can't help it."

Says, "we should slam B's head into the floor."

When you're trying to talk to him he will ignore you so bad that he will start having a conversation in whispers to imaginary people.

He does not make eye contact unless he is being agressive.

Will push C off the couch on purpose.

Doesn't express sympathy or empathy.

Asks questions about death and dying constantly.

When he's in time out for a tantrum he screams he's sorry, but when let out he immediately does the thing he was just in time out for again.

I have to constantly be watching him around C to make sure he isn't going to choke C. One time he snuck behind C's highchair and was stabbing C on the top of C's head with keys while his mother and I were getting snack time ready. I'm worried he's going to do something to C that will inflict real damage. A knows what a soft touch is vs a bad touch but doesnt seem to care even if someone is watching. His family is wonderful especially with no violent movies and are very PG around the kids. They have a lovely home and all the snacks a kid could want. B is a very normal child in every way. B can hit too but understands being in trouble. B shows remorse for the bad things she does sometimes.

A does go to occupational therapy, however I'm nervous they dont understand the actual agressive behavior he was with B and C.

I want to bring all of this up to the mother but don't want to offend her. I'm worried about the family. My intentions are to get A help. How do I bring it up to the family? Are there any things I can try to combat the behavior?

 

[alexkline]

@reemal Definitely bring it up to mom and dad in the kindest way. Emphasize that you care about the family and kids and you are very concerned for the oldest as well as the siblings. Its good they are getting him help but he might need something more than that

 

[lcapitan]

@reemal This sounds like a job for a whole team.. let alone a nanny. The parents should have disclosed this type of behavior to you before you took the job.

 

[sheliamarie]

@reemal First things first - this is a job for the parents to handle. The role of a nanny is to be a support and to do as asked by the parents in their interactions with the child. So keep in mind that your role is not to take charge or intervene.

As a mom of a child who used to behave this way and still on occasion has outbursts, I want you to know that this child is struggling internally. The child may seem to not be showing empathy, but its likely a defence strategy. Based solely on the information you’ve provided, I would suggest this child is in need of connections. When a child feels an attachment / connection to the people around them, they usually don’t behave this way - particularly without empathy. I would suggest that you pick up the book Self Reg by Dr. Shanker. It will no doubt she’d light on this issue and give you much more support than I possibly can in one comment. This child is disregulated and simply needs to learn self regulation skills.

That being said, there may also be a diagnosis necessary for the child. The things at the top of my short list would be Reactive Attachment Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It would be inappropriate for you or I to diagnose this child in our minds or here on the Internet. But it’s something the parents could look into with a therapist specializing in play therapy for children. But as a nanny, I would simply read the book by Dr. Shanker and just do your best to support this family. There’s no doubt that these parents are aware the child is aggressive. It’s their business how they choose to handle it.