D(11) made the volleyball team, but…

[omslaw]

My ex-wife and I share custody/placement. She moved 2000 miles away last June, so our current situation is that the kids stay with me during the school year, and then with her during summer vacation and other school breaks.

My 11 year old daughter recently tried out for the volleyball team at her school and made the team.

They start practicing in August, but my daughter will not be home until just before Labor Day. She’ll miss too much to be able to play on the team.

I understand our situation, but I’m still kind of sad about it. I guess I don’t know what to tell my daughter, or maybe how to tell her.

This is the first time we’ve dealt with something like this.

 

[kingse]

@omslaw It seems to me that she's old enough to contribute to the decision. Why can't she see mom this summer but come back to you in time for practice?

 

[kingse]

If you talk to your ex first and she says no, then it would be bad for you to talk to your daughter and find out she really wants to do that, because you'll already know what her mom will say. However, if you talk to your daughter first and finds out she really wants to but then your ex says no then she's the bad guy.

I hope you can work this out in a way that works for your daughter, although admittedly that won't always be possible.

And as your kids get older, they're going to want more and more to have their own plans for the summer anyway, which may include staying with you so that they can spend time with their school friends over the summer. At some point y'all are gonna have to be flexible about this or it's going to be rough on your relationship with your children.

 

[omslaw]

@kingse It’s tough because the coach emailed my daughter at the same time she emailed me, so the cats out the bag.

 

[kingse]

@omslaw Yeah, I assumed your daughter knew, I was talking about if and when you should have a conversation with her about what she wants to do about it.

 

[omslaw]

@kingse She only gets 10 weeks with her mom. Coming back early would cut that to 6 weeks.

 

[kingse]

@omslaw That might be a trade-off your daughter is willing to make so she doesn't miss out on the entire season, and presumably the same thing would happen next year. My daughter would have wanted a say.

 

[kingse]

@omslaw And whatever her mom's reason were for moving 2000 miles away, that was still her choice, and if it didn't occur to her that at some point it might mean having less time with the kids because they might want to stay with their friends/do activities that are local to you over the summer, she either didn't think it through or she was kidding herself, which was also on her.

 

[tiktok]

@omslaw She’s old enough to have a say in this. If she wants to come home early, and mom says no, then mom sucks. She’s the one that moved.

 

[scoobs]

@omslaw I have a long distance parenting plan and my daughter is the same age, son a year older. I have the kids during school and coparent has all holidays and summer, plus about three weeks during school (they miss a lot). I have been told that the court cares more about parenting time than sports and our schedule causes both children to miss a lot of their sports too. I've been told that the court will be more sympathetic to school and sports schedules once they are in high school but for now they care more about parental bonding. It is really tough on the kids but my coparent cares more about "their" time than our children's preference. Amy attempt I make to reduce visitation time to accommodate school and sports and kids' preference is reframed by coparent's attorney as parental alienation so I've stopped pushing the issue. Good luck.

 

[spookydawg77]

@omslaw Tough situation, especially given her age. If she was a little older, I would be telling her that whether she does the practice or not is between her mom and her. But she's probably too young for that, it's probably something that you and her mother need to discuss and agree on.

Could you talk to the coach and explain the situation, and maybe get agreement that she can miss 2 weeks, so now it's only an extra 2 weeks that you need negotiate with her mother? And then talk to her mother about whether a compromise can be made? You said that she usually spends 10 weeks with her mother, that's not all of the breaks is it? You still have her for some time during the breaks, right? In which case, can you exchange some of that time with her mother? Another possibility could be that her mother comes and spends a couple of weeks in your city with your daughter.

 

[gentleaura]

@omslaw Parenting plans need to grow with the children. Your daughter will simply need to come back from your co-parents house in time for volleyball. It is in the child's best interest to be able to participate in the sports that they want to.

My guess is a judge would rule in your favor, should it get that far.

 

[savasa82]

@gentleaura Agree!

 

[vanpotheos]

@omslaw Would her mom be willing to have her come back a few weeks early? I feel like this is sort of par for the course for sports at the school level. I mean, they are going to start in the summer with pre-season - so maybe this needs to be a conversation and agreement that her vacation can't be the entire summer given this.

I don't think it's unreasonable and really mom should expect this as your daughter gets older.