Cleaning/chore advice mom of 4

[cbaker06021984]

I need help with a lens shift or advice on how to manage cleaning a home with so many people in it. Me and my fiancé have 4 kids afes 10, 8, 5, and 8 months (3 are mine from a previous marriage). I add the last part because although he loves the kids and treats them like his own I feel more responsible for their messes where I’m more likely to ask for help with baby messes, except now we’re in a vicious cycle of I am the default cleaner for basically everything. I am home so that also makes sense for the most part, but I’m working also (I babysit 4 other kids-not at the same time) so we have that extra mess that is also my responsibility because it’s literally my job lol.
I have always been the type where if something is bothering me I take care of it not complain. I hate being a nag. My fiancé says things don’t bother him and he’s got plenty of messes of his own too. The problem is he makes little remarks like “you have sooo many baskets of laundry to fold” “I’d rock the baby if the chair was clear” blah blah blah. I get it I know I’m behind, I’m not a lazy person I’m a busy overwhelmed person.
So I enlist my kids to help and they are big helpers. Then one day daughters teacher says my daughter has nothing to write about because all she does is clean on the weekends.
How do I balance keeping a clean home with living and interacting with my kids? I literally quit watching tv 2 years ago because I don’t have time to. I decluttered things I hated cleaning up, had a rummage sale where I sold nothing big but made $600! I gave away half my house on buy nothing sites seriously. I Marie condoed my house. I spent 5 hours making a chore chart so no one had too much to do but it failed. I’ve found spots for everything we have. I can’t sit down and relax without feeling guilty I should be doing something productive.
I don’t feel like I should be so stressed about cleaning there has to be another way. I can only keep a house clean for 2 days maybe. And I’m fine with that but the little nags kill me inside and the unhappy children of course I don’t want that.
I want to pass blame to my fiancé for not being involved enough in his own home (I’ve literally had to give him tours of his house to know where things are and then labeled things). I understand that he works 50 hours a week though and I don’t want to put too much on him. But I have too much on me.
How much of this should be on me? On the kids? On him?

 

[morehumble]

@cbaker06021984 It sounds like the weight of the world (so to speak) is unfairly resting on your shoulders.

I don't believe in operating a household like that, whether you're a stay-at-home parent or not, because its detrimental to the person who has to deal with all of it. Everyone contributes to the mess so everyone needs to contribute to the cleaning. If your family isn't supporting you, have you tried having a family meeting to address this? Its important for your mental health that your partner stop making derogatory comments that undermine your efforts (ie: about the clean chair). He's an adult. If he sees you're struggling and there's no where to sit maybe he should step up instead of make childish comments. (I would have had some strong words in that situation myself.) Children will need to rewire routines & thinking, so they can all pitch in to help as a family. It will take time and persistence, with a lot of parental involvement to fix.

One thing I think really helps is a simple one at a time rule, and I enforce it not do it. You want to go downstairs and eat breakfast? Great, but not before your bed is made and room tidy from getting ready in the morning. You want to go play with toys after breakfast? Great, but not until you've cleared your place at the table and put the food/fishes away you used. You want to go outside? OK great, after you've cleaned up the crayons & coloring book you took out. No new activity starts until the first one was cleaned up. One thing at a time. And if they try they get stopped in their tracks, sent back, and they do it before moving on. I dont do these things for them i enforce the rule and help them through it if they need to be kept on task. It takes way less time to clean this way than to try to clean the entire house everyday after a pile of kids did 15 different things. They will eventually learn that they need to clean up after themselves if they don't want to spend their entire day getting sent back to clean up their mess!

We don't have a concept of chores because its associated with negativity. We remind a clean house is a happy house. We work together to do it. Sometimes this is how we spend quality time together talking as we do things like laundry together. I also don't give treats for doing basic life responsibilities. I'm against this because of the entitlement it brings. When they move out are you going to give them $5 allowance for taking out the garbage? Are you going to take them for ice cream cause they cleaned their room? No, you're not. They need to learn that the reward is having a pleasant environment to live in. Things like having clean clothes. Dishes to eat off of ect. Not everything in life is candy and smiles, so I don't try to keep up those kinds of facades.

"Your job" isn't to do everything for everyone in your house! Its to teach your children to be responsible for themselves, so they can thrive in life without you. If you always do everything for them, how do you think they're going to fare when they move out? Your adult partner should already understand that. You can't do everything for 5 or 6 or however many people are in your home. You are one person. The only individual you should have to carry the weight for is a baby, because they literally can't. Toddlers and up should be starting to learn to actively take responsibility for things too. They can do these things if they're allowed and you teach them.

 

[katma]

@cbaker06021984 The 10 and 8 year olds are absolutely old enough to start doing chores.. including their own laundry (with your guidance and supervision the first dozen times.) Look up age appropriate chores and you’ll see they can do way more than you’d think! I don’t know how you feel about it, but for me.. my job as a parent (of 6 so far.. ages 14, 12, 8, 4, 2, 10 months) is to raise my children to be capable adults when they move out. Taking care of house and home is one of those things.

As for your husband… he’s your partner. Just because genetics didn’t help make your 3 kiddos doesn’t mean he didn’t willingly take them on, too, when he married you. He’s already said he doesn’t mind helping.. let him!

But seriously, start assigning your kiddos chores. They live there and make the messes… they are old enough to start helping clean up after themselves.

 

[zondaar39]

@katma How do you get your kids to stick to doing their chores everyday? My two oldest 8 and 6 have to empty the dishwasher and set the table each day but try to get out of it every time. It's stressful because we need those two tasks to get done so we can get out the door in the morning.

I often say, I love having kids but I hate raising them. Taking care of them is easy, but raising/parenting them is hard!!

 

[katma]

@zondaar39 Lots of nagging lol. Also, consequences. You can try a natural consequence one day so they can see why it's an important chore. (You didn't do the dishes, so now you don't have a clean cup, etc.) Also, the things they love to do, aren't allowed until after their chores are done. They want TV/gaming time? Sorry, chores aren't done! Want to stay up an hour later on the weekend? Only if those chores get done.

Trust me, it's a battle to get mine to do chores too.. raising them is hard! Thankfully, my husband is good about having my back and getting on their case too. If I tell him they are giving me a hard time about it, he has his own consequences for that.

If the above doesn't work.. ive seen charts where a list of chores is set, along with a time amount (this works if you have a strict time limit for electronics) where they can earn extra time by doing extra chores. (Nothing big.. a couple of minutes each, but the time adds up! )

 

[zondaar39]

@katma Thanks those tips are great!

 

[string_theory]

@cbaker06021984 We have four kids too, 12, 9, 5, and almost 2. What works best for us is a nightly reset where we all pitch in with assigned jobs and then I handle the rest. After dinner, husband and 9 yo do all the dishes from the day and clean the table and counters. My 12 year old switches the laundry and sorts the clean clothes (she and 9 yo are responsible to put their own clothes away). The big kids feed the pets. It’s 5 yo’s responsibility to clean up the toys off the floor but we all usually pitch in for that. Then they all shower and go to bed, and I am left to start the dishwasher, washer, and dryer, take out trash and recycling, and sweep the floor. During the day is when I will fold the laundry I’m responsible for (I don’t generally work for pay during the week but we do homeschool, so I can fold while kids do their school).

 

[forgiven_ent]

@cbaker06021984 To start with, if he says it doesn’t bother him then listen. His comments may just be the truth as well. You do have a lot of baskets of laundry to fold. I realized I was doing this with my husband just yesterday. We were cleaning up for company to come over and be just plainly stated that the stairs needed to be vacuumed. I start thinking he’s upset about that. He just looks at me and is like “I didn’t say any of that. Just noticing the stairs needed to be vacuumed.”

I don’t do chore charts. I never follow through. What I have done is everyone gets a job (something very simple) and spend 10 minutes on that job and then everyone gets a little treat afterwards. An m & m or a small candy or even a quarter or a dollar.

Once that becomes a habit you can add one more chore.

In the process I like to throw stuff away because the less there is to keep clean the less time spent cleaning.

It sounds as though there needs to be more communication between yourself and your fiancé about expectations. Then you need to take his word for it unless he has a history of being dishonest. The whole guilt cycle isn’t going to be sustainable in the long term. Resentments will build and it just won’t be a fun time.

 

[watchman1956]

@cbaker06021984 I have 4 kids and I find it works better for the kids to be in charge of ‘areas’. Entryway, dining room, dishwasher, trash and recycling are daily, with each child doing their chore before we all watch a tv show after dinner.

I try to do one fun outing with them a weekend (sledding, hiking, children’s museum, library) and they have one big Saturday job that they do before the outing- this is assigned as needed where the daily chores are pretty much the same day to day.

When parents of 1-2 kids see this it looks overly structured but it’s what works for us.

For laundry the older kids do their own, I do the towels and baby’s and mine. And yes it usually is in a pile on a chest in baskets, but I do try to keep it off the couch. I usually fold and put away while they’re doing Saturday jobs.

I’m single so no comment on your partners comments. That kind of stuff drained my energy though when I was married.

 

[surendra283]

@watchman1956 That’s what I was thinking about the comments. He has time to make them but not clean the chair and rock the baby? He works outside the home but it’s still his home and he would have to clean and parent on his time off if he was single. When is her break from cleaning and parenting? We started doing the areas thing too, less fighting. But my oldest is the most stubborn with not doing chores.

 

[momovich1]

@cbaker06021984 We have 5 kids and both work full time. My kitchen and living room must be clean - no excuses- when I sit down at night that’s what I see. I have given up having the kids keep their rooms clean- just shut the doors. My teen is slowly learning she needs to clean it to not be embarrassed when she has friends over. Laundry will never be completely done. Bedrooms and laundry just need to be functional and not pretty. I started identifying the “pretty” spaces in the house versus those that just need to function. I would love a pantry that looks like it’s from Home Edit but it’s not going to happen with this many people.
I reduced down to 2 towels per kid, 1 blanket, 2 sets of sheets, and cut their clothes down in their drawers to make laundry more manageable.
For cleaning the playroom and bedrooms they all help eachother - three cleaning together is quicker than them each trying to do their own rooms.