Bringing up the custody EVERY single time we communicate

[birdie1214]

Ex didn’t get custody he wanted in divorce but insists on asking/starting arguments about it every time we talk

My ex was never an involved parent (our son is 7) and when it came to divorce he acted as if he should get more time just because “it’s what’s fair” to him. I drew up the divorce papers and just like everything else in our relationship he thought I would continue to be the secretary to him and his child’s parenting - parent teacher conferences, home work and school programs- all things he has access to but thinks I should manage and explain and set up for him.

Mind you he has a previous child (16) who we had every other weekend. When I left she only came a few times to see her little brother and now she sees him at my house.

He does not participate in any activities unless it’s on his schedule and what he wants to do and does a great deal of telling our son how unfair of a person I am.
If I ask, and I always text because I want proof, about a situation I.e. do you want to pick up son from school at this time or at my house at this time on your days? he insists on calling and asking why he can’t have more time. I stopped answering the phone because I want a text answer and not a fight every time I am trying to figure out a simple parenting plan.
How do I request a text answer without even more conflict and having to go back to court - which is a huge pain and takes forever.
As well as tell him that if he wants more time take it to the judge - which he knows he will never win.
I’m exhausted about having this conversation and to be honest it gives me so much anxiety

Ps. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and they do NoT want me
To leave their little brother with him. They hate him.

 

[nomiplease]

@birdie1214 We established a very regimented pick up and drop off routine. Schedule is the same every time (2-2-3), pick up time is always the same, picking up parent drives (no dropping off), and same location. When the kids are in school, we pick up from school and drop off to school so there is literally zero interaction with the other parent, which is amazing.

This eliminates any of that unnecessary communication. Yes, the schedule changed for vacation and unforeseen things but it is EXTREMELY rare and our conversation around it is limited to text.

Setting those boundaries are difficult but so necessary.

 

[newcombe2]

@birdie1214 I agree with other comments about moving to only texts or email. In addition, I recommend that you have one and only one response to any questions or comments from him about custody. "I intend to follow the judge's order." Repeat that, and only that, whenever he brings up the subject. Don't tell him to go back to court. You don't really want that in writing and he is smart enough to connect the dots anyway.

I suggest that you ask your attorney what is your appropriate response if the 7 year old starts asking you about the custody arrangement. There is no one correct answer for this and your lawyer will know more about what your local judges prefer. I think you need to have a prepared answer ready.

 

[birdie1214]

@newcombe2 Thank you.
This will be a great answer for me
To repeat and repeat until he chooses whatever it is he is going to do.
I am thankful the likelihood of him returning to a judge is very slim but not impossible.

Me learning to handle this without giving myself a heart attack is also gonna be the trick too.
Thank you.

 

[xlembonis]

@birdie1214 In my situation, it's "You can file a petition for modification of the parenting plan with the court." They never do. They stopped asking directly after getting that response a few times.

Instead, they started complaining to the child(8) when they were 5 about it not being fair. Doesn't matter that they have no one else to blame for having less parenting time. They should've been more involved in the early years instead of running off to the desert to find themselves. It didn't work. They're still a train wreck. They still neglect the child when they have visitation.

When the child started talking about it being "not fair," as might happen to you, I just started saying that "parenting plans are grown-up talk and you don't have to worry about that." That's on the advice of the kid's counselor. When I was pressed one time, I explained, "Parents don't get to choose. A judge chooses the parenting schedule and they only care about the kid. It's their whole job to care about kids." Then I reiterated that it's grown-up talk and no one should be bothering them with this. FYI, a parent discussing the parenting plan with the child could be considered engaging in abusive use of conflict. Definitely worth mentioning to your attorney.

You might want to consider getting a coparenting platform. We use the free version of Talking Parents. I've heard that My Family Wizard is good.

 

[birdie1214]

@xlembonis Thank you. Yes I know parent alienation is such a vague and broad area of concern.

I want my kids to be happy and the less I can see them hurt at such a young age the better. I’m time I expect that I will let my little guy experience it more first hand.

I agree that parenting starts at birth. My ex never made it to the desert but he lived(s) in his shop smoking cigarettes and drinking beer when the rest of the family was inside being a family.
I’m so sorry we have this in common but I appreciate your experience and advice here.

Thank you

 

[saved071275]

@birdie1214 My husband was in a similar situation. You just set the boundary and then follow through on it. Every time. All the time. Boundaries are okay to have and to enforce.

Personally, DH only communicates over email and text is reserved for something important and time sensitive, so rarely. His ex used to blow him up daily with calls and texts and now she only emails here and there. There was definitely an extinction burst where she went crazy over not being able to get ahold of him constantly to fight or complain like before, but it petered out when she got tired of basically yelling in the wind (unanswered emails). Tell him once over email you don’t think phone calls are productive and you’ll be communicating over email from now on and only about items that are relevant to the present or future care of your son. Period. Then do it. Silence his calls and texts. Continue to email updates or information about the kids he needs to know. Ignore anything he says or emails that is just argumentative and not about the present care or your son or legitimate. If he complains about anything you don’t communicate that he should be obtaining himself, again email back only once that he can find that information via doctors, school, etc. and never address it again if he complains again.

Look up grey rock communication as well. It’s a good skill to stop getting caught up in back and forth.

 

[birdie1214]

@saved071275 Thank you so much. I will for sure be looking into this.

 

[massave]

@birdie1214 I would just say no and end of discussion, hes got his chance to bond with his son and he shouldn't push it.
Dont know if it helps but my therapist said no is a full sentence.

 

[birdie1214]

@massave I forget that NO is all that is needed. I will work on making that a habit more often.

Thank you

 

[massave]

@birdie1214 Im still having to learn it with my ex partner but its affective

 

[gigimo]

@birdie1214 Talking parents or our family wizard!!! Tracks all conversations and allows you to log/comment as well. You can even set up a calendar if you wanted to. (Not that's it's your responsibility). Your ex sounds frustrating and entitled to your time. Hope the situation gets better.

 

[birdie1214]

@gigimo Thank you. I appreciate that advice. And I appreciate your wording of entitled to my time. You’re right, that is not an option he has anymore.
Thank you

 

[visilda]

@birdie1214 I can see your frustration through the post and I too was once in your shoes and know it is not easy.

I would like to point out it is never easy trying to co parent when there is so much anger and animosity left in the relationship. When we first split he disappeared literally for six months. No calls no texts no visiting the children, he just did not care.

But after a point I asked myself how can I turn this around for my kids, because after all it is about them, whether you like his father or not, whether you're other kids like him or not. It is about your son. Your other two children do not make his visiting decision for them, and neither do you. You honor the agreement.

You say that he hasn't been involved in the past. Which shows you care.... Why is it an issue now that he is trying to be more involved?

Some tips though, court throws out texts as a form of communication, always email, it is easier, and avoids having to sum everything up and both of you can communicate more effectively. Sometimes texting you have to keep it short and sweet. Email you can get everything out, and get a response that way.

Yes keep encouraging the court thing, but have you tried to work this out with him??

I used to be angry and try and find all this reasoning as to why I should give my children's father a hard time. But the truth is no one benefits from it, its exhausting and stressful.

My approach?

What can I do to make him the best father he can be.... And sometimes that means saying yes more. And you will be surprised how easier things get.

My children's father is a great co parent. And because we have gotten a better understanding, he respects the schedule and sticks to it. And I always tell him if he wants more time to let me know in advance, I hope this rant helps in some way. Much love to you.

 

[birdie1214]

@visilda Thank you for your feedback.

I agree that I have a lot of pent up anger and resentment. Something I am working on for me and my children's sake.

I often think my hang up is that I spent almost 8 yeas trying to "fix" or make his relationship with his daughter the best it could be and every step of the way it was pulling teeth. So much so that I was the one who communicated with his ex about the daughter. He just sat back and watched and now that I am gone they have no relationship. My genuine fear is that this is how it works for our son. I'll do all the work and both him and my son will look to or blame me for the fate of their relationship.

He wants the world to think he is a good dad but when it comes to putting in the effort - there is none. He takes him for his schedule time, feeds him etc. but they sit at home and play video games. He doesn't allow friends over, won't take him to the park, there is NO emotional support. So the problem he is NOT a good co-parent.

I want him to be held accountable for the person he is. Not the person he thinks I should I con my son into thinking he is. I say nothing about his dad good or bad. I address my son's experiences with his dad and remain very up beat and positive in any conversation about his father if I have to talk about him.

He refuses to email and he doesn't have a computer only his phone. And we have had many difficulties with he said she said on the phone. If I text, he calls - I no longer answer.

I just want to get a simple answer about simple issues that do effect his time and schedule without there always being so much conflict about other issues.

 

[visilda]

@birdie1214 Oh girl you are preaching to the choir.

I totally understand what you're saying, and it is never an easy walk because you want to give your child the best of everything and everyone. As your child's parental figure you want to shield her from experiences that will just disappoint them in the long run.

But this is just one of those things long term that your child will have to come to a conclusion on their own. Who is there and who is not, who is putting in the time effort and attention.

It is easier said than done. And you will hit plenty in the rough patch department. But you have to keep the big fight. I know this doesn't help. But just find the silver lining in the role you are playing and it will get better.

 

[birdie1214]

@visilda This is actually a huge help. These are good reminders for me to slow down and focus on all of these scenarios rather than the nightmare in my head.
Thank you.

 

[visilda]

@birdie1214 Thank you, It is hard to be in this space, no one truly understands, and I honestly feel people will come for you in any and every way possible to make you feel like somehow it is your fault things arent working out,

But its always a two way street and there is always room for improvement. I guess I just dont want to get to a point where I will sit here and say I am always right when I know he is feeling some type of way as well.

If you ever want to vent. I am totally here to listen. Private message me lets keep in touch.

 

[birdie1214]

@visilda Thank you so much. Yes it’s a hard road to travel and I appreciate all sides because when I get upset about it, I end up with tunnel vision.
Thank you so much.
Same to you. Having another who “gets it” is so awesome.

 

[stefana]

@birdie1214 You shouldn't be fighting about anything as the court order should be detailed and clear.

You don't have to enter into every fight you are invited to.