Are wasting our time on this?

R

rvanengen10

New member
I am looking for advice in general, on right or wrong.

Back in 2019 I had a little boy, whose biological father went to prison, has been on drugs and won’t stop. He’s basically non existent to his biological father.

So, I ended up meeting a man late of 2019, & we started dating in 2020. So, when we met, my son was only a couple months old. He was adamant, he never wanted children; that we ended up aborting 1. Per, feeling that was my only choice. This was 2020.

We split February of 2023, & during those in between years, my Son looked to him as father, called him father, etc, he was Dad. & he loved it. School events, planning his birthday parties, he was with him for 3 of them, & he’s almost 5. Well, we fell pregnant again, & I knew for a fact, he didn’t want it, & I was so prepared to go on to be alone to raise the child. I ended up miscarrying. & we split a few months after that. Because we couldn’t get on the same page about alot of stuff. I requested counseling, etc. as a way to maintain a healthy relationship. That did not happen.

So, fast forward a couple months, June of 2023, EX, meets a new lady, & I’m super happy for him. However, some things came down upon them getting to know each other, that was against any of our beliefs, on how we originally wanted to raise my son. After a hard back and forth, of course. He wins, because at the end of the day, my goal is to keep them 2 together.
However, it turned into, not being able to show for emergencies, because he has plans with her. I would have to cut any type of work loss, & be there for my son. Every time he was sick, I had to stay home from work.
I knew he didn’t want children, & there was 0 obligation to stay, I provided him the out. He didn’t want the out. Instead, it turned into a lot of schedule issues. (I should note, she doesn’t want her own children either)

It was addressed to me, that she didn’t like the fact that we talked often. So, our normal conversation started turning STRICTLY to my son, & about my son only. I think that’s really were we lost the communication we had.

I had allowed my son to continue on, he is almost 5. He did come home 3x and tell me that he absolutely did not like “Dads Gf”, & he came home one time, telling me how great of an experience he had, that he was talking about when he got home!! I reached out, to the GF & commended the experience, & offered in a way, my acceptance. & she still to this day, has not said a single word to me. I think that was November.

Due to the nature of my son, & how she was presenting herself towards me, lying on situations; I requested boundaries. Which were NEVER followed.
For example: me and my s/o had just started dating, & I asked that for the holidays, since the break up was fresh on the boy, & both of our relationships were newer, I suggested the idea, that we don’t force the holidays with our s/o on little man, as he may not adjust well.

Hahahahahaha. Total disregard. To the point that my son came home the day after Christmas MAD. He was so mad, that prior to his next visit pick up, with dad, he was hiding & claiming that his dad hit him.

I then explained that for now, I don’t think his GF should be around our boy, & we figure out what’s going on there.

As soon as he picked him up and left; he calls me, to then let me know that she might be over for dinner.

That was January 2024, & at this time my son has not seen or heard from again.

He did reach out about 2 weeks, to see how he was doing. I provided the update, & unfortunately conversation went a way in hopes that he could be with little dude again.

However during these last few months, he opted to move in with her. So, now I’m like yo, the distance is not going to work, it would be best if you were back at the prior place (his permanent home, & where my son’s bedroom). & when I asked for that, he basically told me that he is NOT having any type of communication or visits with little man, until we see a counselor. So, it’s now been 2 weeks of me trying to get him to see his son, & then another 2 weeks before he may allow it????

Am I wasting my time here?

EDIT TO ADD: Since there are some misinterpretations, & I just want to make things as clear as possible.
  1. She (New Gf)& He never wanted children of their own.
  2. He was with him for every single holiday, the “Step Dad” just didn’t want to follow a suggestion to help my boy feel comfortable. Which made my son, super not happy and started to make false allegations up about being hit by his step dad. So that is why the ultimate decision of separating the 2 came into play.
  3. The idea of allowing them see each other, came from the Ex. Which is why we are now in this debacle, but still hasn’t called or seen him, because he wants to wait for a counselor, to tell him what to do.
  4. I have personally always been, everything is about little dude. How, who, where, why’s and what’s. I will never ever force my child to go somewhere he doesn’t want to be.
 
@rvanengen10 I woould say spend NO time or mental effort on this. DO NOT go to counseling and all that crap.

This is not his bio dad-- son doesn't care, ex-boyfriend is a flaky guy with other priorities who doesn't want kids.

Why bend over backwards to force a square peg into a round hole? (How's that for a stack of metaphors? lol)

Tell ex-boyfriend "Hey, it would have been great if you could have stayed in his life, but, at this point, we tried and it's proven to be more trouble than it's worth. Nobody seems all the worse for it, so lets just roll on from here. I wish you all the best. No need to stay in contact."
 
@rvanengen10 Even though this is who your son knows as his dad, he is young enough that he probably won’t remember him well if they do not continue a relationship going forward. The stability that you can offer your son on your own is more valuable than the instability he is experiencing with this new GF, new home, and inconsistent non-biological dad. I encourage you to just focus on you and your little man.
 
@rvanengen10 Brutal honesty here. This man isn’t his father at all.

It’s challenging enough to be a stepmom to your partners biological child let alone a child he is in no way related to or responsible for.

I wouldn’t accept it from a partner to be honest. It’s too much and I highly suspect she feels the same and won’t ever entertain accepting that he needs to coparent youe child.

You’re also being kind of high conflict. Even if he was your exes child, you have no right to say she can or can’t be around him or that you have to do holidays with your ex.

In this case, he isn’t your exes child so you have every right to deny him visits if you don’t like who he’ll be around with your ex.

Cut it loose, cut the loss now while your son is young and take it as a huge lesson about taking it really slow with potential stepparents in the future.
 
@rvanengen10 You are absolutely wasting your time. Let this man go. Stop trying to “co-parent” with him. There will obviously never be a court order cause that’s not the real father and they will never be on child support. It’ll always be a back and forth and honestly, anyone he settles down with will always look at this situation sideways. I know I would. I wouldn’t entertain a man that is coparenting with an ex for a child that is not theirs. Your son will never fully feel apart of this mans “new family”. This is a set up for him to be let down later. That man has no obligation to you and your son is not a priority to him. As far as you trying to encourage a relationship…stop. Like you said in the comments, your son doesn’t ask for him. You are creating a circus, please move on with your life. Focus on your young son and start creating fun memories with him.
 
@paradis Yep I was just thinking about what will happen when he starts a family of his own.

It will become even more apparent to him (and your son) that he feels differently about his own children and quite rightly want to prioritise them and providing for and nurturing them.

I would not blame any woman for telling him she won’t put up with him continuing on with the pretence.

A fun uncle that checks in periodically with a child to a very chill ex that knows she has no say over his or my life. Maybe if be ok with a bit of that. But not what she’s asking of him. Telling him he can’t spend holidays with his partner and has to spend them with you is wild. You do not share a child.
 
@secondstoryempires You misinterpreted. He doesn’t want children, she doesn’t want children.
I also did not say he couldn’t spend the holidays with him, because he was 100% with them. It was a suggestion, & even though he didn’t listen to the suggestion, it backfired in his face, by his boy.
 
@rvanengen10 That could change, he could have a baby at anytime and you can’t control that. Seriously, leave this man alone and move on. If he checks in here and there with your son, cool but please stop trying to co-parent with him.
 
@rvanengen10 I appreciate that you are trying to find a common ground, with your ex, in favor of your son's experience of calling him "dad" and having him in his life during his very young years. However, I would likely accept the fact that this man and you are not together, he's moved on, and he's now putting caveats in as to if he'll see your son again (only after a counselor is involved?). Note that I said YOUR son.

You've said this man wants to be child free, he has a partner who also wants to be child free. They've moved in together into her place (clearly he is moving on...).

There is a lot of history between you, but at the end of the day, it's just that - history. Your son is 5 now, and truthfully, I think you're wasting your time trying to keep this man involved when clearly he's not 100% sold on being part of your son's life - all this back and forth and questions is just delaying the inevitable.

I'd just let him know therapy isn't needed and that at this point, you'd like to cut ties. He has no legal right to see your son and you've got no obligation to ensure they stay in touch. I get that your son calls him "dad' but he's not technically his parent.
 
@vanpotheos I actually cut all ties, literally 2 minutes prior to reading this. He has great uncles, & wonderful male grandparents. At the end of the day, he will be well taken care of. That’s for sure. 💕 he’s loved by so many. This one guy, won’t break who he is. & I won’t let him break his spirits.
 
@rvanengen10 You have no obligation to this man. It's a waste of time trying to co-parent with someone who is not the father, your son doesn't want to visit, and he is likely going to fade out of your kid's life anyway.
 
@rvanengen10 I think most people on here are right. This dude was a dud.

Unfortunately, this truth only came out after he saw how it may cause issues with potential partners. He folded on you guys instead of starting new relationships firm in his commitment to be your child’s parent and with relationship boundaries regarding this decision.

Fortunately, it’s not impossible. My child’s dad and I got back together when I was pregnant by someone else. We broke up several years ago when our son was a toddler. He pays support, gets our son on weekends, comes to school stuff, etc. He in a relationship now, but he has always maintained his commitment to us when he was dating. I’ve had more problems with guys I date wanting him out of the picture.

Good luck!
 
@mosultima Literally! We had 0 co parenting issues until he started dating again. Which, I really thought I was doing the right thing at first, it’s what they both wanted. Until it really became one sided, & he is sooooo blind to it. It’s all my fault. Everything is. I mean, there was literally 0 obligations to even send him off, & I did it. For the benefit of my boy. But, now it’s putting a strain on his relationships, that she’s literally told me that she won’t even talk to me until I go to the counselor. & that was before our first part ways in January. So it’s like, it’s almost so hard to believe, that his intentions are pure for the boy. On top, of the fact that there has been 0 contact since I’ve even agreed to an another opportunity. Which is so weird to me.

There is literally 0 reason we can’t do both. 1. rebuild your built bond, & we go to counseling.
 
@rvanengen10 Yeah, girl. It sounds like he’s making hoops to jump through after the fact when this type of thing was supposed to be established before the relationship started.

When you find the right man, he will show you and your son that nothing and no one could or would ever come between him and baby boy. Now you know what to look out for, what to ask/discuss, and what boundaries and throughways to establish with potential “stepdad” partners. Not every partner is stepdad material. Those guys are special, and they can take time to find. And as long as they stay out of the frame and your son has positive male influences, that’s okay.

You got this!
 
@rvanengen10 Don’t take this the wrong way but i think you should get counseling and work on detaching yourself from this man because as much as you want to make it about your son and that being the reason why you are trying to keep in contact with this guy… you are doing more damage than good for your own unhealed wounds and using your son to do so. Not ok

I get that being a single mom is hard, this guy (not siding with him) has been there for your kiddo but he is not obligated to, if he wanted parental responsibilities he would want a child of his own. The longer you keep this up, the more damage your son is going to have!

Also just like you wouldn’t let your ex tell you who you can date etc, why do you think you have the right to call shots on your ex’s life? Again there are things you need to take a step back and try to work through your feelings, for both of your sake. It might be hard but you got this momma 💕
 
@rvanengen10 Yep.
Child is too young to remember but old enough to get hurt and traumatized. This man will disappear soon or will stick around causing problems for longer. He isn’t the bio father, he isn’t paying child support, his GF OF THE MOMENT, is causing trouble.
Let them all go and focus on your child, he is only 5 and you had already 3 Relationships! It’s not this man (or any new one) responsibility to care for your child. Work on avoiding problematic behaviors.
 
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