Any tips on mentally coping without a consistent routine? (4 w/o baby)

[charchard]

Prior to having a 4 week old baby, my life was basically dictated by a very strict routine. However since she's been born, I've had no routine and it's really affected me.

I think the main thing is that I just don't feel ...well, I guess I feel constantly out of routine. And because I feel out of routine, I really struggle to find reason to do anything i.e. make my morning tea, do my skin care routine etc. cause it mentally feels like, what's the point?

It's like the baby will be demanding at all sorts of hours of the day, and I don't know how to structure my life around that. Arguably because it's just not something I've ever done. And it's not like I don't have the time, because I do have plenty of time in-between baby sleeping (even including all the house chores) but it feels like I lack the motivation.

I know it's a mindset thing, but I'm not sure what to do. It's like my life revolves around her and her demands, and I'm not sure how to balance my own. With that said, there is still structure in my day, it's just a struggle to balance myself with the needs of the baby.

So far, the only thing that I've been able to do is consistently brush my teeth before heading to bed.

Any tips on what helped you?

 

[suebu7]

@charchard I think something I’d do differently with my second baby, is right off the bat, establishing a “bedtime” and “morning wake” with the baby for my own mental well being. Even if they’re getting up every 2 hours still. Whatever sleep comes after 7pm is bedtime. Whatever wake up is after 7am is the official morning wake up.

Maybe have a different areas for “nighttime sleep”, for example we’d put my son in his pack and play downstairs for naps during the day but once we tried to get him in a routine, I’d put him in his bassinet upstairs with the monitor after a certain hour. But we’d have to tiptoe around the house when he was sleeping downstairs. And i remember just keeping him downstairs with us until we went to bed so it never felt like we got a “break” i guess?

Now that my son is 8 months, bedtime is 7 and he sleeps through the night, and I’m able to kind of mentally check out from 7 until i go to bed and it’s a huge relief. Once that started, i started my skincare before bed again, I could schedule chores or something for that time, hard days got a little easier because there was an end time. So i feel like trying to recreate that sensation with the next, again even if they’re still waking up a bunch, could provide the same mental break.

It’s definitely a lot of mental Tetris but you’ve got this.

ETA: another piece of helpful advice i read on Reddit, a modern take on “sleep when the baby sleeps”. Don’t do anything when the baby is sleeping, that you could do while they’re awake. When they’re asleep, lay on the couch, scroll through your phone. When baby is awake, lay them under a play gym and do the dishes. Pop them in a swing for 10 minutes and run the vacuum. Don’t try to be productive 24/7, take breaks.

 

[alkoneronchikom]

@charchard Do you have a partner or supportive family/friends who are helping you out?

The first 8 weeks were probably the roughest for us, but it got better. In terms of routine we hadn’t gotten it figured out until about 6 months. By 7 months we had gotten the baby’s routine down really solid! Until then we just operated in survival mode while we made the adjustments regarding what pre-baby things were realistic to maintain. Especially because we aren’t paying for childcare, instead both of us work full time and take turns being “primary” parent.

Is hiring a sitter for a period of time during the day or week something you can afford? To give yourself a guaranteed time-slot to do build in self care/routine?

 

[charchard]

@alkoneronchikom My partner is looking after the baby 50/50 with me, including chores. So there's no issue there (although obviously baby can be overwhelming at times)

Like I say, I think it's a mental thing of realising that I'm worth investing in instead of just choosing to zone out on the couch. It's not that I don't have the time, it's just how I see time I guess.

The baby routine feels mostly solid, I think. Except when she regresses.

 

[fishbowl3]

@charchard I am the same way in that I need a routine to function well. What helps me is thinking of my routine by actions and not by time. For example, regardless of when I wake up, I check on baby, then brush my teeth and wash my face (morning routine). I then play with baby, including feed and diaper change, until the next nap. During the first nap, I do dishes and washes all bottles and parts/prep new bottles for the day. I continue like this with different tasks (including relaxing) for the rest of her wake times and naps of the day until my husband gets home. So even though the times aren't the same, we follow a flexible routine each day to keep me on track and sane.

 

[theporters08]

@charchard Is it possible to let a few of those things go or switch them to lower effect things? I love tea in the mornings but I couldn’t make the fancy loose leaf tea I had made pre baby, we got a Kierig and I got tea pods but tea bags could also work. For brushing my teeth, I’ve switched to pre tooth pastes tooth brushes and have them stashed around for when I have a moment… the first 6 mo are such survival mode that it’s really hard to get things done. I recommend the book How to Keep House while Drowning. I remember how difficult it was to function without a routine. You got this!! Good luck