Am I over l reacting?

[daniellebouchie]

Went out for a much needed dinner and movie with a friend tonight. I was very excited to switch up my Friday evening and have some time away from my kids. My husband texted me that my daughter was screaming for me and being difficult at bedtime. Then he complained that my son was giving him a hard time too.
I’m out trying to enjoy my time then start feeling guilty for being out. UGH!
Why did he feel the need to share this!?

 

[chanty]

@daniellebouchie If I were in your husband’s shoes I’d be actively hiding this information from you, at least until the following morning, since I already know how nonsensically guilty my wife feels when she takes any time for herself and I wouldn’t want to exacerbate these feelings any further haha.

So basically, I’d say that no, you’re not overreacting. What your husband did was inconsiderate. At best he’s unaware of your feelings and at worst he’s actively trying to stop you from taking time for yourself in the future.

 

[daniellebouchie]

@chanty Thank you.

 

[redeemedbylove]

@daniellebouchie I don't think you are. When you're the one that's with them most of the time, they tend to be really attached to you and always want you to do everything. It's good for them to see that other family members and such will be there for them when you're not and that even if you leave for time that you'll be back.

Maybe, try and see if you can do more self care and me time for yourself and let them get used to your husband taking care of them for the time.

 

[daniellebouchie]

@redeemedbylove Thank you.

 

[katrina2017]

@daniellebouchie This just means he needs to do it more often. We had this issue briefly because I was doing all the bedtimes. We started switching off- one would take one kid and then the next night we’d take the other kid. So they both got used to bedtime with each parent.

He should have handled it, let you enjoy your time, and maybe told you about it in the morning.

 

[daniellebouchie]

@katrina2017 Thank you. The nights he is home we have started to switch off , so he has put her to bed many times.
Yes I wish he would have waited until the morning to tell me.

 

[peggyleggy]

@daniellebouchie I, SAHP, do the thing your husband does…majorly embarrassed to say. We have talked about it in therapy.

My husband feels the same way as you do. You can feel whatever feeling you are feeling.

On my side, I am having a hard time parenting and my s/o is my parenting-partner and I don’t feel comfort contacting another person to vent. It isn’t respecting my partners time.

When I reach out I am using my husband as my processing sounding board. We have talked about how helpless and guilty he feels if I do that. I still do it but I explicitly say what action I need him to take, which is normally just be empathic.

 

[chanty]

@peggyleggy The difference here is that you’re the SAHP though. You’re reaching out for support as you go about fulfilling your daily tasks, which I don’t see any problem with at all. On the other hand, OP is the SAHP trying to enjoy what seems to be a very rare, short break from those duties, and she can’t even go a few hours without getting reminded of them.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about communicating your emotions to your partner, imo. What one should feel guilty about, imo, is bombarding a partner with unnecessary information about something they’re actively trying to take a break from during said break (as long as that break is fair and deserved, of course).

 

[kmar123]

@peggyleggy Yeah I do the same when I'm up in the night with our daughter. I text him my thoughts because it helps me through it. (I also text him random things I think of that he needs to know for our life.) He glances over it in the morning, says "I'm sorry last night was bad", responds to what needs responding to, and moves on with his morning. Sometimes he feels overloaded with texts, but he's never asked me to stop.

OP needs to make it clear next time that she doesn't want him to text those things while she's out. There's also a good Good Inside with Dr. Becky episode about this very thing. Something about taking someone else's discomfort into your own body and turning it into your guilt and how to not do that.

 

[theinvisibleman30]

@daniellebouchie Omg grow up man

 

[wren84]

@daniellebouchie Because you’re his parenting partner? He’s probably just feeling helpless.

My husband doesn’t ever leave me to do bedtime by myself. I dont ever leave him to do bedtime by himself. That would be an insane task. Sure we could do it but I won’t even like I’d absolutely be texting him too when shit goes south. That’s like the worse possible time of day to take some me time. We do me time around morning or lunch and that’s pretty much it. Our kids expire like milk on a warm day past 3 pm.

 

[daniellebouchie]

@wren84 I get that but it’s tricky to see a movie during the morning or lunchtime ! Me time should not have to fit some time constraint.
My husband leaves at 6 am for work and comes home at 7/7:30. Most of the time I do the bedtime routine alone.
Shouldn’t he be able to handle it once in awhile?

 

[wren84]

@daniellebouchie I suppose I’m comparing it to my 4 kids and neither of us can do it alone without immense stress.