Advice for juggling three year old and newborn

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seanieshamrocks

New member
I’ve got two questions really, and I hope this is the right place for both of them!

I have a just turned 3 year old girl and a 9 day old newborn. My 3yo has adjusted well to the new addition, better than I could have hoped.

It’s been easier than I thought to distract and entertain her during the day and prioritise her needs over the baby a lot of the time, despite my newborn being EBF, largely because my husband is still on paternity leave. He has to go into work in two days and I’m anxious. I had a caesarean birth, so I can’t lift, drive or walk too far at the moment. My walking distance park is a bit too far for me to go solo. Our weather is good (sunny and warm) in England at the moment. We have a garden with a sandpit, water table and swings/ slide/ playhouse, but I’m after some ideas of how to entertain my 3yo and engage her in some new play on Friday. Any ideas?

Second question relates to sleep. 3yo has one breastfeed at bedtime then usually turns over and goes to sleep. Since baby has been born she hasn’t gone to sleep straight away. Instead she has messed around using all sorts of delaying tactics mainly, but also genuinely doesn’t seem as tired at her bedtime! I’ve tried tandem feeding at night with variable success; one night my husband had to take her out for a drive to get her to sleep. He hasn’t done bedtime for a long time because naively we thought because I’m always around for bedtime and he isn’t, and she was a reliable sleeper. Do I need to l get my daughter to go to sleep independently or just give her longer to adjust (and will this her better?!)? I don’t know how I’ll manage double bedtime when my husband goes back to work.
 
@seanieshamrocks I’m in a similar situation, with a 2.5yo and 2 week old! Please don’t worry about getting out and entertaining your toddler right now. The toys you have in your yard are more than enough until you’re healed and able to move around fully, pick her up, etc. It’s okay if this summer is “boring” for a while.

As for bedtime — I’d say just give her more time to adjust. A new baby is a big change and even when our kids handle it well, the change is going to affect them one way or another. Can your husband help with bedtime even once he’s back to work, or does he do shift work that has him away in the evening? Either way just remember sleep will probably be all kinds of funky for months (if not a year) between baby and toddler, so go easy on yourself and give any issues a couple of weeks to sort themselves out before stressing over an intervention.
 
@katrina2017 Thanks. Yes I probably just need to give it a bit more time! My husband can do bedtime but on the days he works he isn’t home til 9pm and I don’t think I could hack moving bedtime that late!
 
@seanieshamrocks Have you tried children's podcasts and stories? It's a good alternative to screen time and engages children's imagination. There are also read aloud stories on YouTube which my 4yo thoroughly enjoys.

Sleep is a tough one since things can be unpredictable with the newborn. I had my youngest when my oldest turned 4 and I had the most success with putting the youngest down first and then putting my 4 yo down. It sounds like your 3yo could be trying to get more time with you, which is normal given that she went from an only child to sharing you. She could also have changing sleep needs. I would keep bedtime routines consistent and try not to take her out, unless you're prepared for it to set a new precedent. It's okay for the kid to play quietly in their room before bedtime. My oldest has been doing this since he was 2. He'll play for a little bit on his own and when he's tired he'll climb back into bed and go to sleep. The sleep educator @heysleepybaby talks about how it's not our job to make our kids sleep, we just provide the environment, routines and boundaries. She actually even has a blog post about doing bedtimes with more than one!
 
@tenesia Thank you so much for this. I think I’ve just spent my 3yo life so far being with her totally til she falls asleep so she doesn’t know any different yet. I wish she could fall asleep by herself as that would have made this a lot easier!
 
@seanieshamrocks Ah yea that's definitely different and will take time for her to get used to. How does she react if you leave before she falls asleep?

You could try setting limits to help her adjust. So let her know that from now on you won't stay the whole time. If you use timers, then you can use that practice, eg count down to went you're leaving (in 5 mins, then 3 mins, 1 min) and when time's up you leave the room.
 
@seanieshamrocks Following as I also have a 3 year old and a 9 day old! also had a c-section! The nights have been rough with the toddler waking up and demanding cuddles to fall back asleep while I’m trying to tend to a gassy baby…

We bought the toddler a doctor play set so she can “help” me and the baby. I hope it will entertain her a bit
 
@seanieshamrocks Have you looked into any childcare for the 3 year old? She should be eligible soon for the 30 hours a week?

I'm still sending my toddler to nursery after my newborn comes, I don't feel like her days would be enriching enough stuck at home with me and a baby.
 
@mariet9 Yes, she’s going to nursery two days a week already. Ordinarily, I would only have her one day a week solo with the newborn with my husbands shifts, but he’s doing an extra shift this week on a day he doesn’t usually work.
 
@seanieshamrocks I don’t have experience with this but I do think 9 days is quite early and she may still just be overexcited from the change and new addition to the family! I imagine at the end of the day she has a lot more to process about each new day of life with her baby sibling.

So I would give it more time while also slowly working on ways to encourage independent sleep. I would ask your husband to work on a routine with her (bath, storybook, long drawn out song and cuddle or massage). Then hopefully you can do this routine when he’s back to work and not around in the evening, finding a way to involve your newborn as well.
 
@seanieshamrocks My toddler is very into reusable stickers! It's a nice crafty type activity that I don't need to supervise too closely, since it won't end with markers/paint/glue everywhere. Melissa and Doug have lots of options, I especially like the puffy stickers since they are easier for my 2 year old to use independently.
 
@seanieshamrocks I had a 2.5 yr age gap, so have been in a similar situation. I don't have very specific advice, but thought it was worth saying, have faith that you will find ways to muddle through that work for you and your kids ☺️. Also don't be afraid to ask for help - I enlisted the help of a friend the first day I was on my own with two. Having another pair of hands around to help me, and other kids for my older kid to play with, really helped.

Also I found explaining things really clearly, and in advance, to my older kid helped, so he knew what to expect - e.g. explaining that I could play while baby was asleep but I would have to feed her when she woke so he would need to play on his own for a little bit.

Be flexible and try not to worry about changes to your usual routine - it is a time of huge adjustment, but you'll find new ways for everything.
 
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