Starting the process to becoming divorced, and I'm looking for 50/50 schedules to propose. I like the idea of 4 - 3 - 3 - 4 as a step towards 7-7 so each parent deals with each day of the week and knows and is involved with all aspects of the kids activities - BUT, our kids have some activities that happen every 2 weeks, so they would always be handled by the same parent. This brings me to the question of, is there something like 4-3-3-4 or 7-7 that lets both be involved with activities that happen every 2 weeks?
50/50 Schedule that has both parents knowing all the kids activities?
- Thread starter billquinn
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- co-parenting
@billquinn I’ve done 5-5-2-2 for several years now and it works great. I have every Mon/Tues, dad has every Wed/Thur and we alternate Fri-Sun. I love that I have set days, makes it easier to schedule things in the future.
Ex and I both attend almost all games and school events, regardless of who’s “day” it is. For practices, whichever parent has the kids is responsible for getting them there.
I couldn’t imagine only being able to attend 50% of games due to 50% custody.
Ex and I both attend almost all games and school events, regardless of who’s “day” it is. For practices, whichever parent has the kids is responsible for getting them there.
I couldn’t imagine only being able to attend 50% of games due to 50% custody.
@jrbert91
As someone new to co-parenting, and who is having it forced upon them, I'm having trouble with the concept only being around the kids 50% of the time
I was going to ask another question about how parents organize stuff for themselves when the have 50/50 custody that isn't always on the same day - but it seems you've organized it so you always have a couple of days a week to yourself, so you could join a soccer league or whatever on those days.
Most of the stuff our kids currently do don't have many shows/games/events, but I expect we would both attend if there was something big, (that said, when the older one was playing soccer last summer I think my wife only went to one of the games). However, at the moment I'm not sure how friendly I want to be with my wife after this is all done - see my first comment for reasons on why!
As someone new to co-parenting, and who is having it forced upon them, I'm having trouble with the concept only being around the kids 50% of the time
I was going to ask another question about how parents organize stuff for themselves when the have 50/50 custody that isn't always on the same day - but it seems you've organized it so you always have a couple of days a week to yourself, so you could join a soccer league or whatever on those days.
Most of the stuff our kids currently do don't have many shows/games/events, but I expect we would both attend if there was something big, (that said, when the older one was playing soccer last summer I think my wife only went to one of the games). However, at the moment I'm not sure how friendly I want to be with my wife after this is all done - see my first comment for reasons on why!
spookydawg77
New member
@billquinn Why do you want to be involved with all activities? I've been coparenting for 4 years now, and honestly, things go much smoother if both parents aren't involved in all aspects of everything, if there's some things they do with one parent, and some things they do with the other. Keeping things separate avoids a tonne of potential conflict, and I don't know about your relationship with your ex (and it's only early, it will evolve, maybe for the better, typically for the worse), but setting things up to avoid conflict tends to result in much smoother parenting than anything else. 5-2-2-5 works really well for this because it means each parent has the kids for the same weeknights.
It does sound to me like the crux of the issue here is that you're struggling to accept the reality of co-parenting. You do have to let go of the fact that 50% of your kids lives are now going to be lived without you. That's the reality. Don't try and come up with a complicated and hard to manage schedule that will end up being bad for many, many reasons just to satisify one anxiety that you have. The number one priority here should be the kids, not your anxiety about being away from them, and for kids, the simpler the schedule, the better.
What you will find is that what you are considering as important now will be completely different to what you consider important in 1 or 2 years time.
It does sound to me like the crux of the issue here is that you're struggling to accept the reality of co-parenting. You do have to let go of the fact that 50% of your kids lives are now going to be lived without you. That's the reality. Don't try and come up with a complicated and hard to manage schedule that will end up being bad for many, many reasons just to satisify one anxiety that you have. The number one priority here should be the kids, not your anxiety about being away from them, and for kids, the simpler the schedule, the better.
What you will find is that what you are considering as important now will be completely different to what you consider important in 1 or 2 years time.
spookydawg77
New member
@billquinn I mean, both parents can still deal with anything from the kids lives, they just need to communicate with the other parent. This may involve letting the other parent know the contact details of the person running an extracurricular, or sending details of how things work, etc. There's been a few times where I've called places up and say "Hi, I'm such and such's dad, I'm not sure how things work because it's usually his mother that deals with things, but..."
It's different. Not necessarily more or less load, but a different load. The constancy of parenting goes away, and for many people, that's a huge relief. I remember feeling like I never got a break from parenting, but now I get a break every week! But, that's balanced by the fact that, at least while you're single, the load goes up when you do have the kids, and many things become a lot harder, for example, if they're young, you can't just duck down to the shops to quickly get something for their lunches or dinner or whatever, you have to take the kids with you every time, which makes such trips take 10x longer and drain you of 100x more energy.
Also, you can't rely on your ex as much as you did before, there are things that before, you could split, but now you both need to do. You both need to be across their school calendars, for example. You both need to maintain contacts with their friends parents for playdates. etc etc etc.
It's different. Not necessarily more or less load, but a different load. The constancy of parenting goes away, and for many people, that's a huge relief. I remember feeling like I never got a break from parenting, but now I get a break every week! But, that's balanced by the fact that, at least while you're single, the load goes up when you do have the kids, and many things become a lot harder, for example, if they're young, you can't just duck down to the shops to quickly get something for their lunches or dinner or whatever, you have to take the kids with you every time, which makes such trips take 10x longer and drain you of 100x more energy.
Also, you can't rely on your ex as much as you did before, there are things that before, you could split, but now you both need to do. You both need to be across their school calendars, for example. You both need to maintain contacts with their friends parents for playdates. etc etc etc.
guardianone
New member
@billquinn Are you asking because you want to share the burden of getting the kids to that activity or because you want both parents to be involved in that activity? If it’s the former, then maybe the parent on whose weeks that activity doesn’t fall could handle all doctor and dentist appointments. If it’s the latter, why can’t the parent on whose weeks that activity doesn’t fall attend the activity anyways?
Custody schedules should be a lot stickier/more consistent over time than activity schedules, so I wouldn’t base a custody schedule off an activity.
Custody schedules should be a lot stickier/more consistent over time than activity schedules, so I wouldn’t base a custody schedule off an activity.
@guardianone Coming in with the hard questions - this is pretty new to me, and thinking about it, I'm not completely sure if I'm asking because I want to share the burden for this activity or because both to be involved. The burden really isn't that much, so on my end if it was something that I had to do every second week it would be fine - although it is a long activity, (6 hours), so if it fell on my parenting day I would lose that time with the kids.
Maybe I'm being too idealist, but the idea that both parents are completely up-to-date with all the kids activities, so the kids can talk to either parent about anything, really appeals to me. On the other hand, I have handled all activities, (not just the 2-week one), and nearly all medical appointments so far in the kids lives, and I definitely want to spread out the inconvenience. There's nothing to stop the second parent from coming to the activity too, but for this particular one it's usually just a drop-off/pick-up, maybe with a bit of chitchat at the beginning & end.
Your comment about custody schedules being more consistent than activities is something to consider - and now that I think about it I think the oldest kid is going to age out of the current schedule into a new one next year, so maybe the right answer is to not worry about it.
Maybe I'm being too idealist, but the idea that both parents are completely up-to-date with all the kids activities, so the kids can talk to either parent about anything, really appeals to me. On the other hand, I have handled all activities, (not just the 2-week one), and nearly all medical appointments so far in the kids lives, and I definitely want to spread out the inconvenience. There's nothing to stop the second parent from coming to the activity too, but for this particular one it's usually just a drop-off/pick-up, maybe with a bit of chitchat at the beginning & end.
Your comment about custody schedules being more consistent than activities is something to consider - and now that I think about it I think the oldest kid is going to age out of the current schedule into a new one next year, so maybe the right answer is to not worry about it.
ighaloeric
New member
@billquinn You have the right to attend your kid's events! It's the best thing for the kid to have both parents there. You can include this in your parenting agreement.
@ighaloeric We're not trying to keep each other from the kids events & activities - if anything, I want more equal presence from both parents than we have had in the past, (whether both of us are present together or not).
@billquinn We started with 7-7 and moved to 2255. It's worked so much better for us (divorced 2019). My ex has been non-committal about activities with kids so knowing that I can put them in activities on my nights has helped a ton. When they have played sports, whoever has them that day takes them to practice and we both go to games.
I think some stuff you just have to let go off or take turns depending on what it is. For example, my daughter's therapy is on one of Dad's days. We take turns taking her since we both wanted to have an opportunity to speak to the therapist if needed. School activities, whoever can make it goes. Sometimes that's both of us. When it comes to stuff like that we don't worry about whose day it is.
I think some stuff you just have to let go off or take turns depending on what it is. For example, my daughter's therapy is on one of Dad's days. We take turns taking her since we both wanted to have an opportunity to speak to the therapist if needed. School activities, whoever can make it goes. Sometimes that's both of us. When it comes to stuff like that we don't worry about whose day it is.