5.5 month struggling with daycare

[handlotion]

Hi all - we started a daycare transition period for my LO last week and it’s been touch and go. He has been EBF, contact naps and co-sleeps since he was born, so he is very attached. We are starting super slowly with a few hours and trying to work up to one nap there.

He’s been great when it comes to playing when he gets there. However, nap time results in full on meltdown, hyperventilating with stress hives. Unfortunately, his caregiver is not able to calm him down and we have to go get him at that point. When he gets back, the only thing that helps settle him is nursing and he passes out while he hyperventilates a bit in his sleep.

He’s okay to be rocked to sleep and we do that quite often and he nurses to sleep sometimes - we just go with the flow.

What can we do to support him with this transition?

Anyone else have a baby that struggled with adjusting to daycare?

How long did it take to get baby to stay for a full day?

UPDATE: he basically has another massive meltdown today less than 1hour after we dropped him off. The nanny has said that we should look into another solution, maybe a nanny that comes to our house. She said she’s never seen a baby like this and she doesn’t know how to calm him down. Seems like she is firing us.

My husband said maybe he is too attached to me and I had a meltdown thinking I caused this by insisting on breastfeeding (even though we’ve been trying to get him to take a bottle for a while and my husband hasn’t been super on top of it).
All the mom guilt came crashing down because you question everything you’ve done.

We calmed down and are taking it as a sign that my baby is communicating that he is not feeling safe in the care of this person. We’re regrouping to find another solution.

 

[spiritedbyfive]

@handlotion I am not sure if this would help but is it possible for you to put him down for a nap there yourself to get him used to going to sleep in that environment? I wouldn’t leave after either so he keeps a positive association when waking up. But I wonder if you guys do that for like a week or however long if he’ll start to settle there more?

That’s a hard time for both you and him! Sending warm hugs your way! You guys are doing great!

 

[eleader22]

@handlotion Are you maybe able to go to daycare for a few days to rock baby to sleep and transfer him to the crib, so he gets used to falling asleep in the same environment but with something familiar? Can you work on “stacking” comfort associations, like patting his butt whenever he’s falling asleep at home so he’s comforted when your daycare provider does it? Maybe play a certain song?

I know it’s hard, but it might be helpful to put a pause on nursing to sleep during the adjustment period. When my baby had to learn to fall asleep for my husband (my maternity leave ended and my husband’s started, also at around 5 months), I stopped nursing to sleep for about a month. There was a rough couple of days at the beginning, but once we got through the transition period, she was able to fall asleep for my husband so much easier. After about a month, I returned to occasionally nursing to sleep, and it doesn’t seem to have affected my husbands’ ability to rock her to sleep.

I might also consider a pause on contact naps at home — after my husband was able to rock her to sleep pretty consistently, he started to transfer her to the crib once she was asleep. If she woke up for the transfer, he would try to rub her back or pat her butt for a few minutes to see if she could fall back asleep. If she woke up after 30-45 minutes (which she did a lot of the time at first), then he would rock her back to sleep and let her contact nap. We also started rocking her to sleep and then transferring her into the crib for a short stretch of sleep at night — started off at about 30 minutes (just long enough for me to pump and get ready for bed!) but she now sometimes does as much as 3 hours in the crib. Again, after her ability to sleep for at least a little bit in the crib was established, we started doing a few contact naps here and there and it was totally fine!

 

[handlotion]

@eleader22 These are very good tips. My husband is on leave so we can try to actively work on this. I am back to work but can probably make my schedule flexible to try to put the baby down for a nap there. My husband went there last week for 1 nap and he did fine with him. I’ve already put associations in place with patting him on the back and putting a certain lullaby on, but sometimes I sing and pat him. My husband sings and pats too.

The main thing with the nursing is that sometimes his nap time and hunger coincide so I guess I will have to tickle him awake and then put him to sleep after. I will talk to my husband and see if we can put together a plan based on this advice.

 

[handlotion]

@eleader22 Today was a better day and he did fall asleep with the nanny, but then woke up and was upset. We had to get him again and it seems he was hungry. Don’t think the nanny tried to feed him. He jumped on me and was trying to get to my boobs as soon as he got home.

I have a question about how you stopped nursing to sleep. We don’t have a sleep association with nursing to sleep, because he falls asleep by being rocked as well. It’s when the hunger and end wake windows overlap, only I can calm him by nursing and then he will fall asleep because it’s also the end of a wake window. I tried to tickle him and stop nursing but he just became super upset.

Did you just nurse him 15-30 mins prior to naps?

 

[blessedj316]

@handlotion I just want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. We went through something similar at the same age, 5.5 months. Also a contact napping EBF baby. For better or worse our baby started at 3 half days a week, not full time. At first she would nap 5-10 minutes while there and eat .5-1 oz. It was so so hard to see - I know she cried a lot, I don’t know if it ever got as bad as you describe (they never had us come get her, for instance). I would say it took 1-2 months for her to adjust to being there, and it maybe would have been faster had she been there full time. She now absolutely loves being there, takes decent (not great) naps and eats plenty. I really wish I had thought to ask if I could stay and play with her there for a couple times so she felt safe there in the beginning like some people have suggested here. I guess I felt awkward/intrusive but that’s silly if it’ll help your baby! Just wanted to say I know what you’re going through and it DOES get better. They do eventually learn to nap differently and the tough beginning will hopefully feel like a distant memory

 

[megbower316]

@handlotion This sounds so tough! And something I am dreading with our own. The other suggestions have been good here and I hope they work. It may just be that it will take a while and hard on all of you but LO will get there in the end. Every time he sees you at the end of the day and builds his trust up again he will get more and more resilient. Good luck, you have done a marvellous job with LO xxx

 

[megbower316]

@handlotion I've actually had a further thought based off a documentary I once watched about parents who couldn't be with their babies in hospital for whatever reason and how to reduce the stress of the child when they weren't there. I think the same stuff could be replicated here and reduce the stress your LO is having. They basically stated you needed to have a sensory approach to this situation and approach every sense with something that will remind them of you.

Smell - Give the daycare your smelliest or most worn shirt/scarf etc to put on their shoulder where your babies head will be as they are rocked.

Sound - record yourself singing and talking for 15mins and send the recording to day care staff to play while baby is being rocked.

Sight - this could either be to go to a dark room so they cannot see that the caregiver is different or if this doesn't work then you can try as above videoing yourself for the care staff to show baby while the LO is being settled down.

Touch - similar to smell but is there anything of yours that baby loves? Mine loves zips and the tassle bits on my scarf. Is there anything they play with on your clothing that could go in with them. If not is there something really soft like a blanket or stuffed animal they can take

Taste - pumped breast milk (which I'm assuming you are already doing).

Further to this it would be helpful to go in yourself like others have suggested to know that this is a safe space to sleep. Go for as many days as possible and then start to taper off almost like the Ferber method of only going in after 5 mins then 10. Eventually all of this together will reinforce in your babies mind that you do always come back and that day care is a good place to be. I hope this helps x

 

[handlotion]

@megbower316 Thank you this is very helpful! I’ve definitely been wearing a scarf to give the nanny. I feel like her perfume is so strong because the baby comes back smelling like her. I will ask her if she can stop wearing it for a few days. I love the idea of a video as well. It could be helpful for when he wakes up and needs to hear my voice.

 

[megbower316]

@handlotion I definitely think hearing and/or seeing you will bring so much comfort