37F 36M 10Month Baby Multiple Miscarriages Prior

[kirwinnar]

A little background first. We took 4 years to finally have our first son. We experienced 3 pregnancy losses (4 babies, one pregnancy was twins) one failed round of ivf and 6 failed cycles of medically assisted timed intercourse. Every test under the sun and the only “issues” are that I have one blocked fallopian tube and a blood clotting disorder(factor v leiden). Every single one of our 4 pregnancies including our miracle baby ended up being conceived without any western medical assistance(just acupuncture and herbs from an oriental medicine doctor), go figure . We fought hard to enjoy our lives through those difficult 4 years but it was still very very challenging. We now have our beautiful 10 month boy and I’m wondering if we should start trying for our 2nd.

Here’s my pros and cons list:

Pros

1. My husband and I have handled our pregnancy and baby better and more happily than anyone I know. We split the baby work, house work, financial work very evenly and it works for us. We feel confident we could handle the “challenge” of 2.
2. Our baby is amazing. Everyone that meets him is in awe of how sweet and playful he is. Everyone at daycare is in love with him. How could you not want another one??
3. My mom is incredibly helpful and would likely be full time support for the first 3 months of a new baby’s life.
4. Even though our baby had several additional medical challenges (and a lot of doctor appointments) in the first 2 months, I still almost daily thought and have continued to think “I want another”.

Cons

1. I switched from salary to full commission when our current baby was 8 months old. My husband and I know it is the more lucrative route for me in the long run, but my industry has long sales cycles and commissions do not always get paid right away (sometimes even a year later). We took the leap because we know it will be worth it, but we are burning savings right now(which we have plenty of - can survive and have a reasonable plan and budget in place) BUT it just seems a little crazy to add another expense right now. Unfortunately we don’t really feel like waiting a little longer for the 2nd is possible for us given our ages and how long it took to have our first.
2. With this career change, I also wouldn’t have paid maternity leave and if I did take time off to be with the new baby, I’d probably still have to find a way to get some work done. With our first baby I had 4 months paid maternity leave and I think that heavily contributed to how well we handled everything.
3. We feel it is unlikely our 2nd will be as “easy” as our first. Maybe our first hasn’t given us a realistic picture??
4. We love our first baby so much that we’ve started to worry about messing with this dynamic.

As another side note, we’ve always wanted to adopt(we just thought we’d have more than one bio child). We know it is best for adopted children to be the youngest child and it is easier to adopt children at older ages. So - do we just forget having a 2nd bio child and plan to adopt at some point in maybe 3-5 years?

Thanks for your help!

 

[diwaligifts]

@kirwinnar I personally think given time to conceive, finances and medical issues- it sounds prudent to relax! Enjoy your life with your, what sounds like, amazing little one! The more emotional and physical pressure surrounding an age timeline and worries swirling around, the less fun it sounds while your baby is still a baby!
If it were me I would put the cards away for awhile and look into adopting in a couple years. Sometimes I think we can spoil what we have always seeking the next thing (I’m guilty of this) and if it were my choice- I’d say give your body and mind some time to rest.

 

[sunsetrose]

@kirwinnar You guys are amazing - and I’ve also seen friends who’ve had fertility issues who make it look so easy! Maybe a byproduct of the absolute desire and gratefulness to finally have them!

I’m 5m postpartum with our second and we have a bigger (easier) age gap of 2y4m. It’s a lot.

My toddler is in daycare 4 days a week and my mum has him normally 1 day a week. I have found the newborn stage easier in the fact that I don’t watch her breathing every second, I have less anxiety around general baby care and don’t stress about the small stuff that you tend to when your a first time parent - BUT I’ve found it incredibly, immensely harder in other ways.

If I have a rough night with baby, I can’t just sleep in till whenever Bub wakes up - I have to get up at 6-7am with the toddler and get her ready for the day. Same in the evenings, it’s a juggle of toddler’s bedtime and whatever the baby throws your way.

You also can’t say ‘I’ll do bedtime and you chill’ anymore - because whoever isn’t dealing with toddler has baby. Sometimes baby is asleep butt no guarantee.

My second has been a really high needs bub compared to our first - we had massive problems with breastfeeding resulting in a mental health decline for me (absolutely no issues and fed my first for a year!) and generally she was a screamer for 3-5 hours a day for the first 3.5 months.

She’s more chilled now but still way more high maintenance than our first.

All that said, we went into this full knowing that we do not like the newborn and baby stage, and that this baby might be more work than number 1.

We STILL DID IT! Because we knew in the grand scheme of things it’s a short (really shit) period and we wanted another human to raise, another amazing toddler and another personality in our family.

We’re 100% 2 and through and so so happy with our decision. We feel relief every stage we get through, every baby item we sell or pass on, and I’m actually trying hard to savour as much as I can because I know now that this is my last time doing this.

It’s overall a very very weird and conflicting set of emotions and I don’t think anyone can tell you whether you should or shouldn’t go for it.

You both need to sit down and talk it through and perhaps instead of ‘try or not try’ just take the pressure off, stop birth control and tracking cycles etc and just see if it happens.

Set a final date (ours was to be my 39th bday) and once that comes you can stop and be happy with your lot in life.

I wish you all the happiness and hope you can find a decision you’re both happy with!

 

[johnkilma]

@kirwinnar Such a toughy. I'd like to add: imagine the stress and challenge of those 4 years being transmitted onto your baby. Stress and difficulty makes a big impact on the family dynamic and it's hard to protect your child from the impact of it

 

[haloman123]

@kirwinnar I read your list of PROs and was like "what can they possibly have on the cons list?!". In particular, your PROs #1, #2 and #3 sold it to me - it soulds like you have a great dynamic and support system which will make a huge difference (in the good sense) if you do decide for a larger family.

As for your cons, I can't comment on all, but:

1. Finances: I'd say caution is definitely needed there, but maybe try to think longer term, if you're likely to have enough disposable income to sustain your desired lifestyle, rather than focusin only on what you're making now. I say this as in the past we've made a housing decision based on then-current income levels, which we (surprisingly) soon realised was too conservative, we could have afforded a bigger place, and now regret being in the one we are. So try to factor in your expected financial growth (with caution, always havign a plan B!) when considering finances. For example, is either of you likely to get a salary increase in the next 1-2-3 years? How would that affect your overall finances? Etc.
2. I wouldn't be too pessimistic either; yes you might get a more difficult baby (I too heard this so many times for parents of more kids, that the first was a 'trick' baby, tricking them to have another, and the 2nd or n/th was a tornado), but you might also get another chill one. If I were you I'd (mentally) prepare for a less chill baby, and try to ask yourselves if that will be too much to take on? But in the end you never know what you'll get.

Adoption is also such a beautiful option! It depends a lot how you feel about it though, but for example, if you do decide to go for another, you can set a time limit for how long you will try (as another commenter was saying) and if that doesn't work, then adopt. Or if you're sure adoption would be a better option for you from the start, do that directly when you feel ready, in a few years, which give you some time to sort out finances too. And this way you also skip the stress of TTC (as I'm sure it took a toll on you the first time) and even skip the newborn stage (if that's something you do not find particularly appealing).

Hope you manage to make the right decision for you & your family!

 

[sapiens]

@kirwinnar I find it astounding that you would only qualify for 4 months maternity leave! However, presumably, you would gain that time again after working for a year or so..? In which case, I would leave it for the year, get the maternity leave and try using your acupuncture method. If it works, why knock it?