Just rambling the things my husband and I talk about regularly. We are both on the fence about having another child. We have an 18 month old little girl who is the light of our lives. She’s so wonderful. Do we want to roll the dice again taking a risk with another pregnancy, birth, child health genetics? I had to be induced at 37 weeks because I had late onset gestational hypertension. I hemorrhaged and needed 2 blood transfusions. I was readmitted 5 days postpartum with severe postpartum pre eclampsia and had to have 2 gall bladder surgeries. Do I want to go through that again even though I won’t have to worry about gall bladder issues this time around? My OB said I have no reason to think I won’t have a healthy pregnancy or delivery, but my pre eclampsia risk is 25%.
My husband is 39, will be 40 next year. I’m 32, always wanted to be done having children by 35 but I also didn’t want to conceive after he turned 40 because I read somewhere risks go up for the baby with an older dad (so if we had another I’d prefer to get pregnant in the next 9 months). I avoided so many things while pregnant (even though I understood correlation does not equal causation) and was soft spoken but neurotic with doctors and ultrasound technicians the entire pregnancy and every pediatrician appt as I’ve been scared of a complication. I have one sibling, 2.5 years younger. I have a lot of issues from my upbringing, some (unfairly to my sister) stem from not feeling like I was a sibling but a caretaker to her and a glass child ignored but also burdened by my parents. Things are better now that I’m older. But I know firsthand that sibling relationships are complicated and do not guarantee positive bonds (my parents each have at least 6 siblings, and have had many arguments and estrangement as along the way). I always craved a close family bond, and had desperate attempts trying to recreate “sibling” relationships with cousins and friends. For this reason, in my imagination I would have 4 kids, and be a part of a family I wish I had, one I could create and foster positive relationships and raise well adjusted happy humans that love each other. But I logically know I can’t have children to satisfy my own inner child, that’s not fair to kids at all.
But I don’t think I could handle 4 babies and toddlers. Could I be the mom I am now (one I am very proud to be, as I’ve worked hard on being an aware, present, and nurturing parent) to 2-4 children? Or would I be stretched too thin and not be a good mom at all? Money worries me, but we are stable. We have a big apartment with multiple bedrooms, and will buy a house when I’m done with my student loan in a few years. We are doing fine, my daughter has everything she needs and we have options for free childcare while we work. But do I want to risk pregnancy, birth and complications? Do I want to be tighter on money with 2 or more Kids or should I spoil my daughter? Can I afford to send all of my kids to college and take nice vacations and help them with things if I can? Will they resent us if we couldn’t afford those things because we decided to have more kids?
Will I look back and regret not having more children? Will my daughter feel lonely especially as her cousins grow more nuclear with their families as they grow older? If I give her a sibling and she has a complicated relationship with them will she hate and resent them and us and feel like she was never enough for us? She is the most social FOMO child I have ever encountered and she loves babies. I have worked hard on my noise sensitivities (cptsd), and will always work hard to keep my emotions regulated, but I do wonder how much being pulled in multiple directions will affect my patience.
Yes I have a student loan I’m aggressively paying down with a. Set end date. Should I make permanent reproductive decisions on temporary situations?
I love my life, my daughter, my husband and our marriage. How will I know when it is time to not expand my family?
Thanks for listening. It’s my first time posting here. I’ve read “Creating your Perfect Family Size” and “The Second Baby Book.” Still on the fence.
My husband is 39, will be 40 next year. I’m 32, always wanted to be done having children by 35 but I also didn’t want to conceive after he turned 40 because I read somewhere risks go up for the baby with an older dad (so if we had another I’d prefer to get pregnant in the next 9 months). I avoided so many things while pregnant (even though I understood correlation does not equal causation) and was soft spoken but neurotic with doctors and ultrasound technicians the entire pregnancy and every pediatrician appt as I’ve been scared of a complication. I have one sibling, 2.5 years younger. I have a lot of issues from my upbringing, some (unfairly to my sister) stem from not feeling like I was a sibling but a caretaker to her and a glass child ignored but also burdened by my parents. Things are better now that I’m older. But I know firsthand that sibling relationships are complicated and do not guarantee positive bonds (my parents each have at least 6 siblings, and have had many arguments and estrangement as along the way). I always craved a close family bond, and had desperate attempts trying to recreate “sibling” relationships with cousins and friends. For this reason, in my imagination I would have 4 kids, and be a part of a family I wish I had, one I could create and foster positive relationships and raise well adjusted happy humans that love each other. But I logically know I can’t have children to satisfy my own inner child, that’s not fair to kids at all.
But I don’t think I could handle 4 babies and toddlers. Could I be the mom I am now (one I am very proud to be, as I’ve worked hard on being an aware, present, and nurturing parent) to 2-4 children? Or would I be stretched too thin and not be a good mom at all? Money worries me, but we are stable. We have a big apartment with multiple bedrooms, and will buy a house when I’m done with my student loan in a few years. We are doing fine, my daughter has everything she needs and we have options for free childcare while we work. But do I want to risk pregnancy, birth and complications? Do I want to be tighter on money with 2 or more Kids or should I spoil my daughter? Can I afford to send all of my kids to college and take nice vacations and help them with things if I can? Will they resent us if we couldn’t afford those things because we decided to have more kids?
Will I look back and regret not having more children? Will my daughter feel lonely especially as her cousins grow more nuclear with their families as they grow older? If I give her a sibling and she has a complicated relationship with them will she hate and resent them and us and feel like she was never enough for us? She is the most social FOMO child I have ever encountered and she loves babies. I have worked hard on my noise sensitivities (cptsd), and will always work hard to keep my emotions regulated, but I do wonder how much being pulled in multiple directions will affect my patience.
Yes I have a student loan I’m aggressively paying down with a. Set end date. Should I make permanent reproductive decisions on temporary situations?
I love my life, my daughter, my husband and our marriage. How will I know when it is time to not expand my family?
Thanks for listening. It’s my first time posting here. I’ve read “Creating your Perfect Family Size” and “The Second Baby Book.” Still on the fence.
you just sort of reassess and figure things out along the way. It’s hard to know in advance what family configuration will feel right.