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@bigred009 Husband checking in... Have you ever thought - instantly buried in downvotes

@johnofwoodgreen You... Give the kid coffee? I'm not saying it's unhealthy or anything... But they currently have 10,000 energy, and I have 5. Why would you give them any more? Source: one of them is actively biting my shin.

@jayy_c24 Making the rain stop when you go under a bridge.

@johnlittleelm Because in marriage you know how your partner ticks. Sometimes if she doesn't want to know its because she enjoys the suspense so making her squirm is like flirting.

@catangel Boobies (boobies) are a favorite food

@diegos23 Yeah, cause it's actually not that hard! disclaimer:must be completed without small hands to help

@diegos23 "We don't. My wife and kids are up at her sisters lake house. This is when I clean" a dad posting on reddit with a beer in his hand.

@sunnsideup I don't KNOW, Margot!

@divices This is kinda like Bruce Willis in the 6th sense... Turns out, it was the dad napping the whole time, but he only closed his eyes for 15 seconds and dreamt the whole thing, and now he's in trouble with the wife cause naps are forbidden while on duty, so maybe it's more like that movie...

@redpanda Hey man, I gotta tell you... that really blows. I mean... fuuuuuuuck. That sucks. Sounds like it will all be good in 2-3 months, but in the meantime, ouch. You mind if I have a beer and shake my head slowly about how awful that is?

@johnybelievesinchrist Oh, I thought you meant "why did he place the cup of poop in the bathroom?" ... Cause thats where poop goes

@johnybelievesinchrist Well, poop goes in the bathroom.

@scott007 "daddy look!" "oh... Wow. Go get your mother, she needs to see this."

@vman10 I'm gonna try that podcast